Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Cambodia...Day One...

So here is the email I sent my mom as I am sitting in an internet place in Phnom Penh, Cambodia...

Hey mom! I'm sitting here in some hole in the wall internet cafe shop thing on the busiet streets I have ever seen in my life....I don't have my cable to upload photos or I would show you some of the stuff I have seen so far...It's still surreal for me...We got here safe and I decided 20 hours of traveling kinda sucks...But I did sleep more than I was awake on the plane...I would have called right now too, except I am 12 hours ahead and it's 5 am there...So maybe next time I will call, but that won't be for awhile...And sending a postcard home is almost pointless because by the time you get it I will be almost home, so I may just hold off on that stuff because internet is cheaper...

So far we have seen major parts of Phnom Penh and been to a majpr Buddhist Temple, eaten lunch in a cafe where I had some awesome burrito thing, and I have shopped in on of the major markets in the city, which was crazy busy...Since I didn't bring enough dress shirts I bought two name brand shirts here for half of what it would have cost me back home...But the traffic on the streets is nuts...Abosolutely no order but somehow there still is some messy organization to it...Our bus driver is awesome...

We have this dude named Issac who's affiliated with the local church here and he is showing us around the city and he's hilarious...Doesn't speak English the best, but that's what makes it funnier...I'm staying a room with the other two college guys on the trip and it really isn't too bad...We have air conditioning that works pretty well and a couple of lizards in our room keeping the bugs away...Not kidding...But they are harmless...No worries...

Kinda weird with all the Buddhism around though...A lot of people bringing offerings to all sorts of houses and idols and such...Something like 97% of the country is Buddhist, but I just haven't been exposed to it like this before...Around the temple was cool because there were monkeys just playing around in the trees and stuff

So all of this is random stuff, but there is my first day so far and I think we will get to write again by the weekend or so...Remeber, no news is good news, so don't fret if you don't hear from me...I'm taking my meds and stuff and so far am fine...Forward this email to everyone who's interested and please pray for all of us and especially me, that God changes my heart while I am here and that He rocks my world over these 23 days...

Ok, I'm out...Time to go get dinner...

-Jake :)

Sunday, December 28, 2008


So, I leave tomorrow (Sunday) for Cambodia for a school cross cultural trip...Actually, I leave on Monday but we are staying the night in Chicago because we take off from O' Hare Airport on Monday morning...There are 14 of us going, counting the two instructors....
I have no clue what is going to happen or what I am really getting myself into...I have never left the country in my life, not even to Canada...Weird considering I have played hockey my whole life...But anyways, This is a huge step for me...I know God is gonna rock my world over there and I know that this will be a solid point in my life that defines who I am...So I ask for prayer, which I hate doing, but I know that we are all here as a body to be there for each other...I ask that you pray that we are safe traveling, that we are safe from the different diseases that are over there, and that we just let ourselves be there and be fully into what we are doing in every moment...There's this quote and I can't remember who it's from, but it says that, "Something sacred is at stake at every moment..." I want that to be truer than ever in Cambodia...

If I can manage it, I will try to blog when I am over there and update you on some stuff, but I'm not sure how the internet situation looks...So, if you don't hear from me withing the next 30 days, I will let you know how it was when I return on January 21-22...



Thursday, December 25, 2008

A Man of God...

Where do I start...

There is this man who was a big part of my journey into becoming who I am now...He invested a ton of time in me and sat and listened to me and my stupidity every week for who knows how long...He has a daughter whom I consider to be one of my best girlfriends ever...His name is Randy Shafer and he is the man...The only bad news I bear on this is that he passed away on December 22...3 days ago...It was expected for the most part...he had been struggling with Stage 3 Melanoma cancer and it got really bad in the last few weeks...But it still doesn't take away the pain and sting that comes from losing someone close to you...I have never had anyone die who I was this close to before...I'm kind of numb to it and don't know what to think all the time...And if I feel like this, then his kids (Emma, Ian, and Jenn) and wife (Beth) are feeling it x10...They have gone through so much seeing him in pain and suffer throughout the last year or so...I mean, to think of my dad or mom dying right now is straight up frightening and weird...I have to tell you though, God is God in this...God is so present in this it's insane...Kind of weird to hear that kind of positive talk when someone dies eh? I don't care what you think, first off, Randy was one of the most Godly men I have ever met in my entire life...He radiated Jesus through his pores...There was no way anyone could know him even a little and not be in tune to how much he loved God...He is such an encouragement for me to be like that...What is also awesome is how Jenn has handled it, just because I am closer to her than the other siblings and so I know more about how she is doing...Watching how she has handled it has brought me to a better understanding of what it means to lean on God...She is a monstrous encouragement in my life...Here is a note she wrote...

I wanted you all to know that our sweet daddy, Randy Shafer, passed away last night (Dec 22). He’s dancing and laughing in heaven more struggle. Thank you so much for all your thoughts and prayers throughout all this. As my mom said, “This has had a strange beauty, and we are in awe of what God can do.”

My family and I are so peaceful, but it all seems very surreal at the moment. We’re celebrating his life on Saturday, December 27th at 3 p.m. at Westwinds Community Church. (And it REALLY is going to be a celebration!) There will be a visitation on Friday, December 26th also at Westwinds. Because of the holidays, weather, etc., the service will also be livestreamed on the web at 3 p.m. on the 27th at

Here’s a link to his obituary, which gives directions to Westwinds and a little more info. It should be updated soon.


I'm numb.
I’m wrestling with God.
I don't understand.
I have so many questions.
My heart is breaking.
But still, God is showing up every step of the way....Just a few moments ago we looked out our front window to see a huge group of people with candles praying outside our house in the freezing cold and snow! I could go on with stories from these past weeks, but it wouldn’t do them justice. Like I said before, ask me about them, and I would love to tell you with tears of joy in my eyes.

I am left with no doubt in my mind that there is a powerful God who loves people passionately.... who fills you when you’re empty.... who carries you when have no strength to stand.... who is your father when you’re fatherless.....

......And that my dad is sitting in His lap right now as I type.

I love you, daddy. My words and tears will never be enough. Your eyes will forever twinkle in my mind and heart. Your gentle voice and arms will cradle me to sleep. I am so proud to have been your daughter, and I will brag about you until the day I die!!! But most of all, I will live my life for Jesus. Because through you, He has instilled A RAGING FIRE IN ME THAT CANNOT BURN OUT.......

Jenn ;)

this is the link to my dad's blog if you feel like an amazing read:

I really can't think of much more to say right now...All I ask is that if you believe in prayer that you do just that for Beth, Jenn, Ian, and Emma....They need strength from God now...And thanks for reading this long one...


Sunday, December 14, 2008

Tonight The Stars Speak...

Holy mother it's been a bit...So sorry....School got nuts with exams and such at the last few weeks...But I am now done with my first semester this year...I could have done better with my grades, but I dug my own hole on that one...

This weeekend I went with some of my best friends to a lake house in Indiana...We had a good time hanging out, but the coolest things that happened was the couple conversations we had throughout the weekend...We just talked about everything and anything...I'm pretty sure we discussed every major problem in the church and what can be done to help it...We also talked a lot about our generation, like birth years 1985-1989ish I think, and how we have so much potential for real change in the world...Like, this wasn't just another pump up talk or speech either...We realize that the generation before us didn't care a lot of anyone but themselves, and the generation after us is too addicted to technology to get outside of the front of a screen to want to do anything...I know this is me for sure...I know I want to do something insane for God in this world...It's freaking possible...There are so many opportunities and places in this world and I have too much dang desire to do something insane for God...There is sooo much freaking power in just trusting God to work in you without reserve...He is too big for us to contain in our bodies...There is no end to it...I have no clue what I am supposed to specifically be doing with my life really...I know what I am gifted in and equipped for, but I really don't care what exactly I do...I know that whatever I am doing and wherever I am, God is gonna do something nuts with me...I just hope I stay as open to it throughout my life...

P.S....If you have never heard of a band called the Glorious Unseen you need to check them out or I will personally cut off your ears with shears :) This song sends me into a state of worship and serenity I didn't know existed...

Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have means nothing at all
Compared to your glory, Oh lord

How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelope me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please

My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak
I cry in your arms now
God grant me the strength to rest in you
I lift my hands and cry

::The Glorious Unseen::
::"Tonight The Stars Speak"::

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Pray Without Ceasing...

Hey...It's been a spell...And I don't know what to write about...I just feel like I should write something..........
Throughout the last week or two I have been pretty overwhelmed...School and everything that goes with it takes my life up and leaves me no time for anything...Including, it seems, God...Not that I haven't had time for God, but I have just filled my day with all kinds of "good" stuff...It's not that anything is that bad, it's just that I need to keep it centered around God instead of steering my own path through the day...

My biggest revelation has come this week though...I was stressing about prayer and about how I have a HUGE list of people to pray for and I feel like if I don't pray nothing will get done and nothing will go right...And then the light bulb went on in my head and I realized that God is not going to alter his cosmic plan just because I forgot to pray for it...Now the danger with what I just said is that people will never pray because they think it doesn't matter and God will do His thing anyways...I have no real answer for that other than to say that we shouldn't be looking for how much we can get away with, rather we should ask how much can we do to get closer to God...

I used to think that if I couldn't pray for everything that I wouldn't pray for anything...Stupid...I would need an hour or more to get through everything and I can't find that kind of time in the day sometimes...My revelation is that even though I can't spend an hour or two silent with God (it would be nice if I could though) I can be in constant prayer throughout the day...My day doesn't hinge upon a quantity of spiritual time...I should be in constant prayer and awareness of God throughout the day, praying as things come to mind and worshiping as I walk...

There is nothing wrong with a devotional time...They are still important...I just need this too...

If anything I have said is off, theologically or spiritually, etc... let me know...I am still trying to figure this out as I go...

Monday, November 10, 2008

Fleeing From Sexual Immorality...

Here you go Jerm.... :)

So throughout this school year I have steered clear of something that has brought me down in the past...This thing has been the root of my downfall into a spiral of sin-repent-sin-repent...For some reason I just decided, before I went into training to be a resident assistant at school at the end of the summer, that I just didn't want to deal with pornography anymore, and everything that goes with it. I am a junior in college now, and have a real possibility of a serious relationship sometime in the next few years...I want to honor whoever that women is with every aspect of myself...After all, I want to date a girl so centered around Christ I fall in love with the Jesus inside her...Well, if I want that in her, I need to be the same...I want her to fall in love with the Jesus inside of me...

If you don't know me, I have had a perpetual struggle with porn since I was about 10-12...It is just my main struggle in life...I know it seems super bad or way worse than some things to a lot of people, but all sin is the same in God's eyes...My sin just happens to affect someone else, someone I may not even know yet...It kills me to know I will look whoever my girlfriend is someday in the eyes and tell her how I have sold myself for something short of her in the past...I could possibly have all that crap affecting how I look at her, not because I want to or because it is supposed to be like that, but because I made stupid choices in the past...

Now I know God is bigger than anything, ever...I know he can and is helping me overcome this...Maybe he can even take away how I have this past affecting me now with girls...I know I just need to keep my eyes on God and let the rest fall into place under His plan...

Since I haven't fallen into any physical sexual temptation in so long, I find that I can look at women in a cleaner way now...I can stare at them in the face without thinking twice and let them know I am interested in who they are, not what they are...My thought life is more pure...

In church today, Pastor Mark talked about how Joseph straight up fled from Potiphar's wife...He saw temptation and just fled, before he gave himself a chance to think twice...He has every reason to give in to her, but he didn't because he was conditioned to flee temptation...He didn't make excuses or try to justify all of her advances...All he knew was God as truth and answered her with, "How could I sin against God?"
Genesis 39

The way out is the presence of God...The way out is prayer...The opposite of addiction and sin is fullness...Fullness from God is the only thing that will make it full enough to leave no room for sin...

God has entrusted me with him, which means I have been entrusted with EVERYTHING...

If you know me, keep me accountable to this...I have come to far to fail and don't want to fall back to where I was for the last 10 years...It was hell at times...This one sin, with everything that goes with it, has single-handedly kept me farther from God than any other sin in my life...

Thanks for listening to all my random thoughts...Sorry if I am too open...

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body."
1 Cor 6:18

"But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people."
Ephesians 5:3

"Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry."
Col 3:5

"It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality"
1 Thes 4:3

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Lord, Save Us From Your Followers...

So tonight was awesome...If you have ever heard of it, the film "Lord Save Us From Your Followers" was shown here at my school and we brought the filmmaker in with it for some Q & A...I'm telling you this film affirms me and brings me back into my mode where I think I can do crazy things for God and its ok...The documentary was pretty much challenging the way things had been done in the past or in large by the church in America today, led by the right wing evangelicals...The filmmaker, Dan Merchant went around just asking a lot of people what they thought of Christians and interviewed and featured a lot of cool things people around the country were doing for Christ, as well as showed the crap that gets represented by the church sometimes too...All the stuff people hate about the church and how it turns them off to Christianity...I don't do this thing justice by trying to explain it though...You have to watch it if you can get your hand on a copy...It's one of the best documentaries I have ever seen...

In recent times, I have really become fed up with the way the evangelical church is represented by and large here in the states...I do recognize though, that I came from the church and just ripping on it does nothing for the kingdom of God here on earth...Tony Campolo said something in the movie that struck me, "The church in America is a whore, but she is also my mother." Dead on. As screwed up as the church is, it still is God's people...I wouldn't ever leave it, after all, who is going to change it if everyone who wants the change leaves? But I have found something inside myself I lost...I used to be freaking nuts for God and had no problem thinking of doing crazy off-the-wall things that were destined to fail unless divinely intervened...I want to completely trust God first and let everything else pour out of that...I want to just put God in my sight and leave it there with nothing else on the horizon...I want to love people just because I love them...Out of God's love for me pours love for anyone, ANYONE...No matter where they are at, how poor or rich, what color they are, or how much patience they drive from my body...I want people to see my love and joy in life and attach it to God without question...This is definitely freaking hard, but sooo worth it...

"Hear O Israel, the Lord is out God, the Lord is One. Love the Lord your God will all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these."
Mark 12:29-31

Frick. It's so simple...How do I manage to complicate this? All I sincerely want in life is to love God and love people...It seems so weird to, but I need to ask God to help me love Him...Weird...And out of that I need to ask Him to help me see Him in everyone I see...That is by far going to be the hardest part...How did two commands given 2,000+ years ago by some Jewish carpenter get to be so hard, but yet at the same time bring the most satisfaction from life?

Friday, October 17, 2008


This isn't anything profound or whatnot, but it is a song that has been speaking to me for awhile now...It is for sure in my top 5 favorite songs of all time...This is a song called "Redemption" by the band August Burns Red...

I trust in you for life to live, and air to breath.
Purity fills my lungs.
I no longer live in solitude.
No longer bound.
My heart beats with great devotion.
This is the start to a new beginning.
On my knees praying for mercy.
Hands raised high, humble and broken. Wanting your grace.
Wanting your security.
Memories of laying facedown, motionless, with such a hollow feeling inside.
Soon I would end this life I was living.
I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands.
I am a fallen victim.
Lord, show me the way. I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way. Take me in your arms. Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.
Be my strength. Be my voice. Be my glory. Set me free.

:::August Burns Red:::

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Prayer Life...

Yo...Welcome back to my life...The last week/two weeks has been alright...What's funny is, I am sitting here not exactly sure of what to write about...That's weird...Usually I can't shut up...Maybe that's part of the problem...Lately I have heard some things about prayer and how important it is to spiritual life...One of my professors says that you can tell, for the most part, the state of someone's spiritual life by their prayer life...I sat there and mulled over those words when he spoke them, realizing the lie I was living...I sometimes think I am doing well spiritually, but I have almost no prayer associated with it...I fill my life up with "Jesus Things" and put a label on it that says "Good Christian Work"...There are so many things I need to be in prayer for: The guys on my floor, my unsaved family, my best friends and the stuff in their lives, stuff in my own life...I think that God will just take care of stuff automatically, which can be true sometimes, but I also realize God is waiting for me to ask for stuff He has in store...He gives us free will, ergo He will not force us to do most things...

Then it hits me that prayer is a two way activity...I must listen as well as speak...James calls the tongue evil, and that's what I feel like mine has brought in on occasion...I have failed to just sit and bask in the presence of God waiting for Him to speak without my interference...And then I walk through my day not entirely positive if I am following his plan for the day...Now I know it isn't as simple as A-B-C...Like God has this perfect plan for the day and I have to follow it second by second, word for word...But I know I need to sit there the day before so I can walk the next day more open to little prods from God throughout the day...

I know He hasn't stopped doing amazing things with my life, they just seem a little farther away since my prayer life has slacked...I refuse to call that a coincidence...He wants to talk to us, just like a best friend you may have that you haven't seen in months...He wants to just be with us and help us along this journey called life...We can be in tune with him throughout the day while "Praying without ceasing", but we must also take that time where we just sit and meditate on God, The Word, And what our day was like...

This amazes me: After Jesus fed the five thousand, he retreated by himself to pray...Before he went into the desert for 40 days, he fasted and prayed...Get that? He got ready for something with prayer and fasting...What am I to do if I haven't prayed and such and something big comes along? Prayer should be a daily thing for the sake of daily stuff yes, but we also need to be in communication with God so we can better handle the crap that is coming our way...

I don't know if any of this fits or makes sense, but its what has jumped into my head...

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Seek God First...

So, this year so far has definitely been way different than any of the past...I am basically in a full time leadership position, and it's considered a job by title...Of course I don't think of it like that, but I have never been paid to invest in lives before...It's kind of cool...Also something I have been realizing is that I have not been trusting God with my future like I thought...One of the areas revolves around girls...I have never dated as a Christian, and I really saw myself cruising through school single, which I have no problem with...My problem lies in the fact that I kept feeling this pressure by something, maybe campus, maybe the nice atmosphere, I can't quite put my finger on it...I kept feeling like I was supposed to be pursuing girls...Not saying that it is wrong to do so, but I was starting to lose my view of trusting in God for the future...I want so badly to have a God-centered relationship to the fullest that I am scared out of my mind to date...There are a few girls here on campus I would love to get to know better, because in no way do I know them well enough to think about dating them...But then I think about other areas...Am I to marry a girl from home? From high school? Someone I don't even know yet? I hate not knowing the future, yet I love the mystery...What I am realizing is that my problem lies in my lack of seeking God and nothing else...Matthew 6 tells to seek God first and all other things will fall into place...Where did I lose that mindset? So much pressure gets taken off that God did not intend me to have...I won't think the girl problem is such a big deal because God's plan is bigger than everything going on around me...I long to be in the middle of that plan, not just for the girl issue, but for everything else as well...This is weird...I haven't had the girl issue at the forefront like this for a long time...I haven't made a big deal about it before...Never was worried...Basically I want to flat out just seek God and not worry about anything else...I want my longing for God to radiate and attract anyone for anything...If I want to have a wife someday with these traits I admire, I better make dang sure I have them too...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

Why is it so hard to trust that?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Cruising Along...

So it's been a bit since I let you all know how things are going...I'm freaking loving my RA job here at school currently...I have a huge range of personalities and its totally cool...Every guy so far thinks I'm cool (Shh....Don't let them know the truth :) But it's just cool to have guys that hang and love being around you and each other...They are from all walks of faith too...I have some dudes who just don't give a rip about God...And I have a couple dudes who put my faith to shame...It's solid...From my "outside" perspective, I can see some of how God is working and moving and how his plan is...I can see why certain people maybe were put here on this floor and why certain roommates are paired...Now I obviously don't know everything going on in God's head, but it's just cool to see how God works and then responding to that...I will talk to dudes about their personal life, about their girlfriends back home...About what they want to be...About how they like this college...About the sport they play here...It's amazing to me how open people will get when you just make them feel comfortable where they are at...Maybe that is part of the problem with how we go about Christianity today, especially in America...We think we are going to bring someone into a church they have never been in and have been slightly scared of, and we think we can convert them in 5 minutes...A personal relationship with Jesus takes time to grow...You don't become the thirteenth disciple overnight...I think that is how we have to approach anyone at all...It's gonna take some freaking time to get close enough to someone so that you can share things about God that you really wanted them to know in the first twenty minutes you knew them...They weren't ready then and we just need to practice something that we all suck at: Patience...Waiting for God's will is probably one the crappiest most beautiful things ever... God's timing is perfect...We have to be able to see the spectrum of that and how we fit in the middle of the beginning and end...We need to realize that our timing here is a blip in the grand scheme...Investing a year or two, or more in someone's life with no strings attached is nothing compared to what the end result will be because of that investment...Stop caring for ourselves and possessions and start caring for people...Wherever they are in life...It is kind of what Jesus did...Where have we gone wrong? When did we lose sight of what mattered? I struggle with this everyday...I am guilty as you...Seriously have some prayer for it in your life, for people close to you on this...I want to stop caring for bullcrap that doesn't matter and start caring for eternal stuff...

Thanks for listening...

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Here We Go...

So...My floor here at school is insane...75 % of them are loud, stay up late and love to talk...Move in day was nuts...I don't sleep anymore...And I love it...I have 25 freshmen out of 28 total dudes on the floor...At one time on move in day there were 17 families moving there kids in at once...Packed...I had to get out of there and get some food...My good buddy Austin covered for me...

So far, even after only 2 nights with these guys I love them...I know God put love in my heart for them even before they came here...I know they will look up to me in some facet, no matter how short I am :) I realize I will have to watch how I do some things and make sure I am a good example...What is so cool about that is that it is keeping me accountable for my actions...I know I need to watch what I do therefore I watch...I love it...I am the kind of person who thrives when people look up to me, and I want to lead them down a good path and be there friend, mentor, brother...I am staying clean as of late and not so much feel God around more, but I am more aware of the truth that he is there and that all I have to do is ask, pray and believe for him to lead me down his will's path...I know I will develop relationships with some of these guys that may last a very long time...I want them to be genuine relationships that I would be proud to say God is a part of, in whatever way that may be...So therefore I officially start this year as the RA of Ormston 4 at Spring Arbor University...I know there will be rough times when I don't want to do the hard stuff, but I know they will be outweighed by what God accomplished through me on this floor...Amen.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Plans For Hope And A Future...

Hey! It'e been a bit of time since the last one...My bad...I have been freaking busy...I moved into school about a week ago for the start of RA training...I am going to be an RA of a mostly freshmen floor here at Spring Arbor University...I'm freaking stoked...I get paid to invest in lives and maybe become a part of their cherished memories...Solid...

Basically all week we have been training non stop and I have learned so much about what it means to care for the needs of people...It has started to hit me that I will have twenty seven different personalities all within one hall in a building...Not to mention, two in the same tiny room...I have my own room, but I will have to understand what the guys are going through...There is going to be a ton of things going on that I can't even begin to fathom...Some good, some bad...Some stuff that I know I won't want to have to confront...I am a people pleaser and hate it when anyone is either mad at me or perceives me as someone I am not...I guess you could say I am a softie sometimes :)

Besides all this rambling giving a brief overview of what I am doing this year, I can't leave God out of it...I am confident he called me into this position for the year...I will have to cut back time with other people and invest even when I don't want to sometimes...I know God is gonna teach me some patience and management this year...I can't just skate by and be somewhat lazy and make it through...I definitely can't do that alone...

Throughout this training I have met some amazing people...Our RA staff is awesome this year...Everyone is committed to a life for God and serving...And they are mature about it...I have learned so much from just watching and listening to other RAs this week...A common theme that keeps hitting me over the head is that so many of them have followed the process of seeking God first, always, and everything else will take of itself...It is so simple yet so hard...For the past year that has been my hardest thing...I have been worried about the future hardcore...Will I date? Who will I date? Will I pass this class? Where will my college money come from? Where and how am I to serve? How will I manage my time? One of the RAs blew me away when I listened to her talk because she always kept saying things along the lines of, "I'm not worried, because if we seek God it will work the way it is supposed to..." That thought process is starting to infiltrate my life and has taken some stress and pressure off to be perfect and worry about tomorrow too much...

I don't really know where I was going with this one...But I had to share how a simple truth has made life living for God clearer for me...Not so much easier, but now I feel like I can just live with God and go with him down this path, knowing that no matter the plan, it will be the best for me, even if right now I want something totally different...

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares thre Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
Jeremiah 29:11

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Serving Leftovers to God...

So in this book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan, my current read, I have come across what Francis calls the hardest for him to write...This is because it is something that we all almost don't want to believe, but something that is painfully true...It is the subject of lukewarmness in the Christian faith...The main point Francis makes is that there really is no such thing as a lukewarm Christian...It can't exist...

"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see."
Revelation 3:15-18

"Spit" out? That's is pretty harsh language...In he original Greek it means gagging, hurling, retching...Holy crap...That is hardcore...There is no middle...Either hot or cold...And if you are lukewarm, God says he would rather have you cold and against him....Wow....Basically, Jesus wants us as a whole package...All or nothing...Whoever thought of calling themselves a "Christian" without being a devoted follower of Christ was out of their mind...Ad this isn't my opinion or Francis Chan's...Read it for yourself...Search the scriptures and see what God says about following him...

"You believe there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that, and shudder."
James 2:19

"We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, 'I know him' but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him."
1 John 2:3-4

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for me will find it."
Matthew 16:24-25

"Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:33

Some people say we can be Christians without being "disciples"...Why did Jesus say this then? "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20

This does not mean we are all screwed because we fail...I will be first in line to say that I struggle every single dang day to give myself to God wholly and let him guide my ways...I beat myself up for it, which is not a godly thing, and I have written about that before...We cannot forget that his grace covers us. Every single one of us has lukewarm areas of our lives, and scripture shows that there is room for failure and sin in our pursuit of God. If you sin, get over it. Humble yourself and come back to God.

"The distinction is perfection (which none will attain on earth) and a posture of obedience and surrender, where a person perpetually moves towards Christ." (Chan 86)

Tuesday, August 05, 2008


So...Here I am...One minute away from turning twenty...It's almost midnight and...wait...Now it is...Happy Birthday to me... :) I sound conceited but I swear I'm not :)

What this all brings me to is reflection...Who am I now and how did I get here? I have been a Christian for about four and a half years...I have drastically changed who I once was before that...If you knew me before I changed schools in 8th grade, the first part of high school, and then met me now, I am not the same person...I am convinced I have been given a new life by God...I still have influences and love that I had the life I did before the fact, but am glad I am where I am for the most part...

I still am struggling with what I call a "main sin"...It's just something that has hung around and pops up and grabs me when I least expect it, and I stay in it for awhile and then get out...Then I go back in for a bit, then out...I hate it...It sucks...What is even worse is that I let guilt take over too...A good friend hit me over the head last night with profound knowledge I felt stupid for having forgotten...Guilt is not from God...Even if it seems to be...Guilt is not an attribute of God...So when I fall once, then feel guilty and continue for some odd reason, God is not in any of that...I lost that thought...Somewhere along the line I lost the simplicity of Grace...I feel as if I should know this, being a leader in "church things" and whatnot...And I should know it...I just put unneeded pressure on myself to try to conquer sin on my own and be a big strong leader for everyone...I cannot conquer this on my own, I have tried and failed...Many times...It is hard for me to fathom right now that this struggle can be taken completely from me...After all, we are human and we are going to fail...That doesn't excuse it, but we have to realize we will come up short...It's our nature...We are not perfect...But we can strive to be...We can strive to be like Jesus, as corny and cheesy as that sounds...I believe though, that we cannot reach for those kinds of goals alone...Satan will be right alongside us too, trying to turn us bassackwards on ourselves and make us forget who we are and where we have come from...We are all on this journey towards somewhere...I like to think that I am on this road and there is no end...I have a goal yes, but the road doesn't end...That's the beauty of it...Somehow, we get to be in God forever...On earth, it is in the form we see with our eyes...Human flesh...I love who I am here...But I also know that after this we will be a little different, but still God's creation and child...Maybe none of these thoughts make sense together, but right now find comfort in knowing that I can be who I am here, and overcome these struggles that hinder me from becoming that person...And I'm not alone...So I reach my hand for help, not knowing what the heck is gonna happen or how...All I know is that I want to be who I am...

Monday, July 28, 2008

God is Big...Period...

So...I have been reading this book called "CRAZY LOVE" by Francis Chan...It's flippin amazing...You must read it sometime...I am not very far in really...Only a few chapters, but that is because I have to keep stopping and write stuff down because it is all so awesome and I don't want to forget...Recently the focus has been on how big God is...Now this sounds stupid and obvious...But stop and think about how many times a day you stand still and actually try to comprehend what is going on...There are so many things in this world that are so intricate and complex..."The caterpillar has 228 separate and distinct muscles in its head, the average elm tree has about 6 million leaves on it, and your heart generates enough pressure throughout your body that it can squirt blood up to 30 ft. (Don't try it :) God didn't have to put hundreds of different kinds of bananas, but he did...He didn't have ti put 3,000 different species of trees within one square mile in the Amazon jungle, but he did...How about the way plants defy gravity by drawing water upwards? Did you know spiders produce 3 kinds of silk? When they build webs, they create sixty feet of web an hour, simultaneously producing special oil on their feet that keeps them from sticking to their web...What about the simple fact that plants take in carbon dioxide (harmful to us) and produce oxygen (we need to survive)? You knew that, but have you ever marveled at it?

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world."
PSALM 19:1-4

This is our reason for worshipping him...The earth is the work of his own hands...He is the King of Kings, Alpha and Omega...I know you have heard this...Just don't miss it...So, how do we respond to this? Do we look at a sunset night after night, forgetting the next morning what beauty we saw just hours before? Do we look at the stars in the sky and ignore the millions of balls of insane light that have been created light years away? Or do we see the world everyday and get blown away with how everything seems to work, no matter how good or how bad it looks? Do we realize that God doesn't really need us to do anything, but He wants us...He wants to use us as his medium on this earth...He can and does speak to people on his own yes, but he also chooses to let us be a part of that process...HOLY CRAP!!?? I feel freaking honored when I am used by God to do something to further his kingdom here...We are so small, yet so beautiful...Don't lose this...Don't forget that God is bigger than the universe itself and he created every corner...Breathe it in...

Monday, July 21, 2008

Quiet and Rest...

Tonight in my bible study, I arrived a good amount of time late, like over an hour, but I got there in the middle of a time when everyone was on a 30 min walk...We were supposed to just be reading Psalm 23 and reflecting on it...What it meant to us, part or whole...The first verse of course stuck out to me and was familiar: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." Then I read verse 2 and 3, which weren't so familiar...They spoke of rest and quiet with God...That hit me hard...One of my biggest struggles is staying quiet before God and just trying to listen a little...I read that God restores my soul and guides me in a path of righteousness FOR HIS NAME"S SAKE...Not only do I get my soul renewed by God, it is done so that His name is glorified...I am in the position in my life where I get stoked whenever God gets credit for anything done by me, which is just God using me for his plan...That excites the crap right outta me... :)
God takes care of us...We have to remember that...He doesn't pressure or force us to let him do that...He just wants to...He also doesn't force us to follow Him, whether that be a total surrendering or just a little hang-up in our lives where we get off the path a little.....He just waits for us, patiently...Waiting for us to say, "Ok God, my way sucks and I want to be in on your plan..." Just chill and let God take over...You will have to discern, yes, but you will also not be failed by Him...If any of these random thoughts I just spilled out made any sense, hallelujah...

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me besides quiet waters, he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my sup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Woman of God...

In our lives we people we admire...We have people who we aspire to become...Sometimes it is out of jealousy we want to be them...Sometimes it is because we can see God shining through them so clear it blows us away on occasion...There is this woman whom I met about a year ago in person...Her name is Carol Wilson...She is the grandmother of my best friend Jeremy...I can't even think of where to start on her life, even as little as I have known it...When I first met her about a year ago she was well into her cancer treatment and was trucking along as if nothing hindered her...When she was first diagnosed with cancer she was given months to live, I believe...She outlasted that prediction by about two years...Through it all, from the outside I heard about her personality and how she just lived life...I was impressed about her joy and happiness in her suffering of course, but I was blown away by her persistence in glorifying God with EVERYTHING...Whether she was just spending time with her family, neighbors, friends, or serving in her church back home in NC...She always pointed her situation, if that is a proper term for it, towards God...She found God's plan in it all...She realized that her journey was God's plan and she was right in the middle of it...With this she wasn't afraid to share...Her blog was and is read by people all over the world...Seriously...From reading her comments on her posts, there were people from all over being impacted by her words and her perseverance in her cancer...

Carol Wilson, affectionately known as "Mimi" by some, has shown me what it means to live a full Godly life...She showed me how to commit to the ones you love...How to live a solid marriage built around Christ...How to live a life in Christ...

If you read this, you need to go to her blog and read back on some of her stuff...There is a lot, so you may want to make it a daily read for awhile or something... :)

"Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy praise
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
I'll praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above"

Monday, June 16, 2008


So, I know I these aren't my actual words but this song's lyrics are shaping to be my life and the way I view my relationship with the Big Guy...It's a song called "Redemption" by August Burns Red...If you can handle some screaming it's a great listen...:) Basically I am sick of things not of God controlling my life...I don't want Plan B, as Rick would say...I want God's Plan A and I keep being thrown down to the ground by the devil...He knows just what buttons to push without me even knowing it...I won't even pretend to fully God's grace and I know he gives it freely...I have heard that a thousand times...I know God overpowers the devil...All these things I know and I still fail...How does God keep going to bat for us? Why does he keeping fighting for us? There is a love I will never understand...I could get married and love another human as a spouse...I can love my family...I can love a friend...I struggle with all these for sure, but I never will completely get how someone who gets backstabbed so much by people who know they are doing it can keep standing in front of bullets for them...I believe God loves me more than my brain can physically and mentally comprehend...I don't always feel it, I'm not gonna lie...Sometimes I wonder where God has gone...I suppose it's in those times God has wondered where I have gone as well...

I trust in you for life to live, and air to breath.
Purity fills my lungs.
I no longer live in solitude.
No longer bound.
My heart beats with great devotion.
This is the start to a new beginning.
On my knees praying for mercy.
Hands raised high, humble and broken.
Wanting your grace.
Wanting your security.
Memories of laying face down, motionless, with such a hollow feeling inside.
Soon I would end this life I was living.
I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands.
I am a fallen victim.
Lord, show me the way.
I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way.
Take me in your arms.
Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.
Be my strength.
Be my voice.
Be my glory.
Set me free.

:::August Burns Red- "Redemption":::

Sunday, June 01, 2008


Who have I become? Am I who I want to be? Am I where I want to be? More importantly, am I who God made me to be? Did I miss the fork in the road and go left when I should have gone right? Did I pick the right path? So many things are already set in motion that I hope I am down the right road...I have failed so many times and I feel like I don't deserve what I don't even understand to have been given...I think I want something, and then when I get it I feel like I picked the wrong wants...I feel like I was blinded by wanting the easy way out...Whether these are convictions or just truths coming to surface I do not know...They could even be false feelings that have no meaning...I even feel like somewhat of a pansy complaining and talking about this...I am between a rock and a hard place...I cannot see the parts of my future I want to see, yet I am strangely ok with that...I want awesome things to happen, but I also know it is not the the time for them...Then again, God works in a timeline that I won't even pretend to understand...

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11

Friday, May 16, 2008

End Of A Chapter...

Wow...So long since my last time writing...Sorry for that...School has been insane...I was involved in a few big things here near the end of the year and it took some toll...For example, it's 3am and I am still awake and probably won't go to bed due to finals and studying...That brings me to a point...Tomorrow is my last day of school here at Spring Arbor...My first full on-campus year (I went to community college last year)...It makes me wonder...Have I grown like I should have during this year? I mean, I was around a ton of good, solid people, profs and students, who befriended and stretched me...I know I have grown, I just hope I have grown in the direction God wants me to be...I know for a fact that there were times I turned my back on that path...I regret most of them...Something Ron Kopicko (Chaplain) and Rick Morgan (Youth Pastor) have drilled into me this year is the concept of Plan A, or wanting the main plan God has...It's not so much me wanting to great things FOR God, which I sincerely want to still happen every day, it's more like me just wanting God's will to be done, and if he chooses to use me, then how awesome that is...How awesome it is to be used by God to make his perfect plan happen...This past year I let myself get distracted sometimes with crap that didn't matter and I missed it...I missed God calling to me...

Overall, this year, I had a good time...I met some amazing people whom I hope to continue relationships with next year and get to know them deeper...I will miss hanging with a completely new group of friends everyday...And I will miss staying up until ungodly hours of the morning doing nothing worth that lost sleep...Praise God I have at least two more years here...

I know this blog had little depth to it and such...I just felt like sharing some feelings with y'all anyways...Hope you have an awesome week :)

P.S. Check out this band by the name of EVER STAYS RED...They have played a big part in my music life...Some of their lyrics that have been running in my head all day...

How our eyes burn bright
Back in the day when
Our dreams were all that kept us alive
Now we can't stop now
We're gonna make it
We're standing on the brink of it all

:::"On The Brink Of It All":::Ever Stays Red

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


So...Here I am chilling and being whatever...Not being who I should and who God made me...Hiding in my shell of fallen humanity...Then it hit me...STOP IT...Now, I havent been terrible, just a tweak off of who I know I should be...
Tonight I went up to a friends room to give him some info about an event on campus we are in and God rocked my world...Me and Steven (my buddy) ended up talking about past and present struggles we both had and have and it was freaking awesome...We just shared what was going on with each other and some friends and family and we were super real...I haven't had that in awhile with someone...It was refreshing...I just felt like I was really listening to God...He totally spoke through me to Steven...At the end we just hugged and prayed super intense for each other and the stuff we talked about....Through it, God showed me and is showing me how important it is to be in community with one another supporting each other...Too many times I have tried faith by myself and I always felt I was trying to climb out of a hole I had inadvertently dug myself into...I didnt get support from other like minded people as well as I should have...And if you don't think we need community to have a solid faith I would then have to ask you to read the Bible...Check out Acts...That church was insane...Community at its finest...People living in each others lives and they were constantly expanding...The fact that they grew shows they were doing something attractive to people...I have realized that while it is still good to have solitude and alone time with God, we need to take what stems from that into others...Who I am, that is, who God made me to be, requires me to share who I am with others...I long to give a part of me to people in hopes they do the same in return...I just want to love people and be there for them...No matter what...I understand not everyone is open, but I will love and pray for someone just the same...God gave me that gift...AMEN.

"It's remarkable that solitude always calls us to community."
-Henri Nouwen

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Need Prayer...

Prayer...Need it...Got some issues going on in which I am going to have to step up and be the solid man of faith for some people to lean on...I know God can do everything on his own...I just have this feeling he is going to use me here soon...Just wondering if any of you all who believe for real in prayer will do just that for me...And for sure also pray for the situation itself...There is some pretty hairy stuff going on...And please, if you have anything in your own life, I would love to pray for you too...That's how this whole community of believers thing works...:)


Saturday, April 05, 2008

Untitled Revelation....

So...Along the way in my walk with God there have been quite a few people who have helped and directed and shown me where God is working and evident...Inside that big group of people there were just a handful who really impacted my life in a total way and were people I looked up to...They were people whom I thought lived lives worthy of Christ's name....When I first started my relationship with God they supported me and showed me how to live that very life...As time went on however, they seemed to start to loose this foothold they had...They made small compromises that led to bigger mistakes...They did things that they first taught me did not coincide with a life sold out for Christ...I was confused...I did not understand how a person could lose what they once knew to be true...Did truth change? Did God change? Or were they all of a sudden choosing to not do what Christ would have them do? No way, I thought to myself...They are too solid, it's just a stint...They will come around soon...Well, I am still waiting for them to come around...The tables have almost flipped and I seem to be the one that needs to help someone in their journey with God...I am just so afraid to...They have been so close for so long and my "heroes" for so long I don't feel like I have the authority to...A lie...James 5:19-20...."My brothers, if one of you should wander from truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins." Well, there it is...I need to suck it up and realize that someone not liking me confronting them is less important that their relationship with God...What a wise man James is...:) is a song by buddy Mike and I wrote about this...Come see us perform it Sunday April 6th...

You turned your back and walked away
Leaving your faith and those who cared
You left me to fight alone
You left me to fight alone

This path you tried is broken and wide
This life you live will only promise death
Come out of the darkness
There is still true love
There is still true truth

I'll be standing here
He'll be standing here
We'll be here forever

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Washed By The Water...

So, I know a few of you commented about it already on my last post, but this past Sunday I was baptized...It was Easter...And it was awesome...Everyone that had invested in me since the beginning in high school was there...I was dunked by my high school youth pastor who is now my boss and friend...I felt like it was the right thing to do at the right time...I'm just interested to see how it affects my immediate family, who is not Christian...But for those of you who read this and were there to support me, thanks soo much, and if you weren't there, thanks for being a part of my journey as well...Thanks for the encouragement

The words don't fit exactly with my situation, but it's a great song...Check it out:

Daddy was a Preacher
She was his wife
Just tryin' to make the world a little better
You know, shine a light

People started talking

Just to hear their own voice
Those people tried to accuse my father
Saying he'd made the wrong choice

Though it might be painful
You know time will always tell
Those people have long since gone
My father never failed

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Even if the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even if the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won’t never ever let you down
I won’t fall, I won’t fall, I won’t fall as long as you’re around me

:::Needtobreathe- "Washed By The Water"::::

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

As The Sun Sets Tonight...

So...I am getting baptized this sunday, which is is Easter...Mixed feelings on it...I am excited and stoked of course...But curious as to how some of my family is going to take it...I was baptized as a Catholic when I was something like 4 months old and now I am going to be baptized again in a not-Catholic church...:) (I became a Christian when I was 15 and still am the only one) I feel like it is the next step for me for sure...Anywhere in the Bible, especially in Acts, anytime someone starts believing in Jesus, their next step is to be baptized...I just think that this is another step in my journey with Jesus and I am ready to take it...I wish a few more of my friends were around for Easter to be a part of it, (some are stuck at school) but its cool, because I am getting baptized in the church where people are who supported me and helped me along the way...And in the church where I became a Christian...So needless to say, I am stoked to be dunked in a cold tank of water teeming with Jesus :) And if you want to join the party, come to Spring Arbor Free Methodist Church in Spring Arbor, Michigan on Easter to the 11:15 service and join in....:)

Oh, and if you want to, a little prayer for the event itself and how I will use this to share stuff with my family would be awesome :) Thanks sooooo much!

Lyrics to a song that has been loud in my head for awhile now...

Exchanging Beauty For The Ashes
Given My Heart To Nothing Real
I've Given My Heart Away
To So Many Things
So Many Times I've Failed
Help Me Stop This Endless Cycle
Remind Me Of How It Can Be

Take Me Back I Surrender All
Without You My Heart Is Broken
I Never Should Have Let You Go
I Never Should Have Let You Slip

Through My Arms

As The Sun Sets Tonight
I'll Hold You With All That I Am
I Never Should Have Let You Go
Promise Me Youll Stay With Me Forever

Forgive Me
For Running So Quickly To The Outside

::::Haste The Day- "American Love"::::

Sunday, February 17, 2008

I Don't Feel Right...

I don't feel right in my own skin sometimes...I feel like I am not being myself...This is weird for me too, because I usually am pretty open about who I am, and loud :)...For some reason I feel held back lately...I feel like I can't just be my normal crazy self who everyone says hi to and hugs...Maybe it is because my struggle to put God in the forefront has been hard lately...Maybe it is because I am letting myself fall on my own in places I know I need help...Maybe it is because I have no clue what I am doing at this thing called life...Maybe I'm scared of what tomorrow will bring...Maybe I need to stop whining about these things and just ask God daily what plans he has for me...Let God just breathe through me...Who am I to dictate what God's will is for my life? Who I am to think God's will won't get done just because I say no...He'll use someone else then...But deep down in my heart I know I want to be smack-dab in the middle of His plan, because I have been there before and enjoyed life so much at that time...Even if I was going through struggle the same then as now...I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was all God's plan for me to go through what I was going through...I also knew that God was throwing some awesome things into my life...Now these same things may be happening, in fact they probably are, but I can't see them anymore...I can't see His plan as I once could...It sucks...All I want to do is change the world for God...I want to use the passions He has instilled in me and go absolutely nuts...I was like that once...It was sweet...I'm not saying I am terrible now...I'm just saying that I really miss that fire I once had...I know faith is not always about feeling and emotions...I have already learned that the hard way...I just am saying that I miss some of that...

Nonetheless, I know the Big Man Upstairs is there...I have branched my faith out beyond the emotional high stage and have come to the point where I am just going to keep searching for the direction He wants me to go...I will keep holding onto what I love to do because I know those things are there for a reason...I also will make more of an effort to put myself in situations to hear Him and receive this guidance and Love I desire so much...Please Lord save me from myself...

There’s a darkness in my skin
My cover’s wearing thin, I believe
I’d love to start again, go back to innocent
And never leave

Don’t give up now
A break in the clouds
We could be found
There’s nothing wrong with me
It’s just that I believe things could get better
And there’s nothing wrong with love
I think it’s just enough to believe

Rescue is coming

////David Crowder* Band- Rescue Is Coming

Sunday, January 27, 2008

A Losing Battle In A Winning War...

A little song I wrote that my band is playing in a week...

A Losing Battle In A Winning War

It creeps up without warning
Enticing me to stay
I want to run, I want to hide
But I cannot fight
For I have chosen myself
I have chosen false strength
I fall into the pit of despair by my own hand
There was a door of hope, a door of life
But I refused
Help is what I need

All I have is emptiness

I no longer want my way
I want to fight together
I know we will win
Please Lord save me from myself

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Total Trust? A Lost Art...

So...It's been a long flippin time since I have written...Christmas has come and gone...The new year is here...Second semester is starting...which brings me to the reason I am writing...I almost didn't have a second semester...About a weekish ago I got a letter in the mail saying that I needed to come up with a lot of money or I would not be permitted to attend interim term or second semester at Spring Arbor...So...I started looking for loans and such online...Everywhere...I was striking out on almost everything...Getting denied loans and such because I have no credit personally...Never have taken out a loan or had a credit card or whatever...Even with a co-signer...So I got an email today that said the business office needed to see me about my account...I was ecstatic of course...Knowing what it was about anyways...My ridiculous balance...So the gal in charge of whatever it is was super nice and I had known her from delivering mail before over their and such...So the first thing she says is that it looked like I was going to get an extra four thousand in loans because some parent plus loan was denied...So I went, "Ok God, here we go."...So then she says I need an extra lot of money on top of that...I told her I had tried a ton of places already and been denied mostly because I had no personal credit and now would most likely need to get a loan with no co-signer...She told me to check out this one site that gives loans to people most of the time in my situation...And I was blown away to the fact that I had just submitted an application 30 minutes before to that company...She said to come in early monday before my class and let her know what the outcome of the application was, and so I received an email from the company saying I got a loan in almost the exact amount I owed to the school...

So here's the point...You knew I was getting to one eventually...All the stressing I have been doing and all the crap that I have been feeling like I was in: Was it valid? Shouldn't I have done what everyone said to do and trust God for it to all work out if He wanted me to stay here at Spring Arbor? I had an arsenal praying for me on this thing and I feel like I let them down by not believing what I asked them to do would actually work....I had soooo much trouble connecting my brain and heart this week...I wanted to believe God would work it out and I even KNEW that it would happen...In my head...But I struggled every minute to believe it in my heart that God would do it...Even more...I didn't even think that whatever happened would be ok because it would be God's will anyways...If I was to leave here and go back to community college or whatever, I should know that it would be ok because it is in His will...My wants and my view of the way things should have been got in the way of a Godly mindset...I fail again....Praise the Lord for redemption and forgiveness...