I have a confession...I have abused God...I have sinned over and over again...I have fallen into SIN-REPENT-SIN-REPENT and it's killing me inside...You see guys, Satan want you to do a few things...Numero uno is that he wants you to feel like you are not worthy of being forgiven by God and that He will not want to forgive you...To a degree, we are not worthy, because we are fallen humans, but God wants us soo bad, and wants us to be cleansed by His blood...But we must ask in sincerity...We must totally want Him to flush us out of sin...Another lie is that you are alone in struggle...That no one else does that bad thing you are afraid to talk about...Bullcrap...I guarantee you that there are least a few going through almost EXACTLY if not a similar situation and are just as lost as you as to who to talk to about it...You see, they are afraid to tell God too...That or they already have and they need some earthly accountability too...Just seek out...Put yourself out there and ask...What's the worst that could happen? You get mocked for wanting to follow Jesus? I believe these kinds of people are praised in the Bible...
Now...I have experienced all of this...I have fallen and knowingly done it...I have thought about something that was wrong before I did it and gone ahead with my heathen plan...I have finished my plan and then sat there in utter bewilderment as to what pain I have just caused God as He is crucified again by my sin...I sit there wondering who I am and why I did what I did...I feel like burying my head in the sand and never coming out...I feel like doing anything but trying to talk to the One who can forgive me of what I have just done...I run...I try to hide...But then I turn to Psalm 139 and I read this:
O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
....Wow...So then I sit there and say to myself, I say "Self, God just slapped you across the face with a realization that you CANNOT hide...you CANNOT run...And it is for your own good...God knows you inside, outside, upside down, backwards, sideways, and all He sees is the creation He started way back before you even existed...Do you get that? He knew you, ALL OF YOU, before you even existed on this mass of matter we call earth...So those sins you wanted to take and run away with, trying to hide them in the depths of you heart-They are not hideable...You are not able to run from God...Sure you can block Him out if you choose; He gives us that choice...But as soon as you ask, He is there, like a kid in a candy shop, wanting to be a part of whatever you are going through and struggle with...It doesn't matter what the world says about how bad your sins were or are...God doesn't care...He will wash them away and make you so clean you won't even know what to do with yourself...A TOTAL TRANSFORMATION..." He wants to pour out His love on you that will overwhelm every sense you every imagined you had...Not any love you have experienced before through a human...You see, no human could ever love you as much as God...No...He has this love, which in it's original Greek has it's own word "AGAPE"...Get that? There is a completely separate word in the original language because the other words for love weren't good enough and couldn't describe it properly...It's so great and so large, you could spend your whole life seeking it, chasing it, and you will be filled to the brim with it and there will still be much more never explored by our feeble minds that cannot comprehend the magnitude of God here on earth...
So then I am back to my self-contemplation and self-wallowing in what I have done and wonder if I can ever be the same and be back in God's "good graces" after what I have done...And as I struggle with wanting to think that what I have done is not of Him, I just let go and know that if I question it or don't know if I want to stop it, then I need to ask for help...God loves this too...He loves when we come to him in weakness and admit we CANNOT do it on our own...That is the way it is intended to be...We try it on our own, we may get by for awhile...Maybe our whole life...But what is the price of pride compared to eternity with the creator of anything you look at? Think about it...FOREVER...If you didn't know, that means it never ends...EVER...:) In the words of Ron Kopicko, "HOW EXCITING!"
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"