Monday, June 16, 2008


So, I know I these aren't my actual words but this song's lyrics are shaping to be my life and the way I view my relationship with the Big Guy...It's a song called "Redemption" by August Burns Red...If you can handle some screaming it's a great listen...:) Basically I am sick of things not of God controlling my life...I don't want Plan B, as Rick would say...I want God's Plan A and I keep being thrown down to the ground by the devil...He knows just what buttons to push without me even knowing it...I won't even pretend to fully God's grace and I know he gives it freely...I have heard that a thousand times...I know God overpowers the devil...All these things I know and I still fail...How does God keep going to bat for us? Why does he keeping fighting for us? There is a love I will never understand...I could get married and love another human as a spouse...I can love my family...I can love a friend...I struggle with all these for sure, but I never will completely get how someone who gets backstabbed so much by people who know they are doing it can keep standing in front of bullets for them...I believe God loves me more than my brain can physically and mentally comprehend...I don't always feel it, I'm not gonna lie...Sometimes I wonder where God has gone...I suppose it's in those times God has wondered where I have gone as well...

I trust in you for life to live, and air to breath.
Purity fills my lungs.
I no longer live in solitude.
No longer bound.
My heart beats with great devotion.
This is the start to a new beginning.
On my knees praying for mercy.
Hands raised high, humble and broken.
Wanting your grace.
Wanting your security.
Memories of laying face down, motionless, with such a hollow feeling inside.
Soon I would end this life I was living.
I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands.
I am a fallen victim.
Lord, show me the way.
I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way.
Take me in your arms.
Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.
Be my strength.
Be my voice.
Be my glory.
Set me free.

:::August Burns Red- "Redemption":::

Sunday, June 01, 2008


Who have I become? Am I who I want to be? Am I where I want to be? More importantly, am I who God made me to be? Did I miss the fork in the road and go left when I should have gone right? Did I pick the right path? So many things are already set in motion that I hope I am down the right road...I have failed so many times and I feel like I don't deserve what I don't even understand to have been given...I think I want something, and then when I get it I feel like I picked the wrong wants...I feel like I was blinded by wanting the easy way out...Whether these are convictions or just truths coming to surface I do not know...They could even be false feelings that have no meaning...I even feel like somewhat of a pansy complaining and talking about this...I am between a rock and a hard place...I cannot see the parts of my future I want to see, yet I am strangely ok with that...I want awesome things to happen, but I also know it is not the the time for them...Then again, God works in a timeline that I won't even pretend to understand...

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11