Man, sometimes you just have those days...You ever have those days where you just feel emotional is every way you possibly can? About everything...School, future, girls, and everything that falls under it...For some reason I've been sitting there for a few days...This past Friday the band The Glorious Unseen came to my school (Spring Arbor University) for a worship night...It was soo great...These guys are legit and have their hearts in the right place...They sound what I have dreamed about my ideal worship sounding like for the last six years...To top it off they are super chill and were cool before and after the "concert"...
Since that night, I have realized just how large my desire is to tour in a band...As naive and immature as it can sound, I seriously just want to go and play music with a bunch of dudes after college...Share apart of who I am with people and have them connect in their own way with it...
I struggle with knowing if this is part of God's plan...Trusting Him is so hard sometimes...I'm sure maybe you know what I'm talking about...I know I don't the future...But I cannot deny that I have this innate desire in me for music...I know that desire is from God...I can't get away from that...And everytime I see a band live I just want it so much more...Especially after this Friday...The Glorious Unseen knows how to connect with the emotion and the little nuances behind the music...The little things that cause us to worship God in a raw, authentic way...Not that they are the only ones getting it right, It's just that they are on the top of my list...
I love music. I love playing guitar. I love people. I love sharing who I am. I love sitting with my eyes closed while listening to music, going to a place that I know cannot physically being touched...
Matthew 6:33 is a staple verse for me right now: "Seek first his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
So hard to believe one-hundred percent of the time...
If I scream Your name again
Will you reach my bloody hands?
God I'm holding on to You
For You can make me new
If I scream Your name again
Will you reach my bloody hands?
God I'm holding to Your arms
I've been holding on so long
::The Glorious Unseen::
::"Sustain"::
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
The Paradox of Prayer...
This Henri Nouwen quote is what one of my classes this semester has as included content...The professor believes without a shadow of a doubt that prayer is central to anything else in the Christian life...Everything else falls under prayer...I really hope to fully be in that mindset by the end of the class...Prayer is admittedly one of my weakest points as a followers of Christ...
"The paradox of prayer is that we have to learn how to pray while we can only receive it as a gift. It is exactly this paradox that clarifies why prayer is the subject of so many seemingly contrasting statements. All the great saints in history and all the spiritual directors worth their salt say that we have to learn to pray, since prayer is our first obligation as well as our highest calling. Libraries have been written about the question of how to pray. Many and men and women have tried to articulate the different forms and levels of their impressive experiences, and have encouraged their readers to follow their road. They remind us repeatedly of St. Paul's words: 'Pray constantly' (1 Thes. 5:7), and often give elaborate instructions on how to develop an intimate relationship with God. They say that we cannot truly pray by ourselves, but that it is God's spirit who prays in us. St. Paul put it very clearly, 'No one can say, "Jesus is Lord" unless he is under the influence of the Holy Spirit' (1 Cor. 12:3). We cannot force God into a relationship. God comes to us on his initiative, and no discipline, effort, or ascetic practice can make him come. All mystics stress with an impressive unanimity that prayer is 'grace,' that is, a free gift from God, to which we can only respond with gratitude."
-Henri Nouwen, Reaching Out, p.123-124
"The paradox of prayer is that we have to learn how to pray while we can only receive it as a gift. It is exactly this paradox that clarifies why prayer is the subject of so many seemingly contrasting statements. All the great saints in history and all the spiritual directors worth their salt say that we have to learn to pray, since prayer is our first obligation as well as our highest calling. Libraries have been written about the question of how to pray. Many and men and women have tried to articulate the different forms and levels of their impressive experiences, and have encouraged their readers to follow their road. They remind us repeatedly of St. Paul's words: 'Pray constantly' (1 Thes. 5:7), and often give elaborate instructions on how to develop an intimate relationship with God. They say that we cannot truly pray by ourselves, but that it is God's spirit who prays in us. St. Paul put it very clearly, 'No one can say, "Jesus is Lord" unless he is under the influence of the Holy Spirit' (1 Cor. 12:3). We cannot force God into a relationship. God comes to us on his initiative, and no discipline, effort, or ascetic practice can make him come. All mystics stress with an impressive unanimity that prayer is 'grace,' that is, a free gift from God, to which we can only respond with gratitude."
-Henri Nouwen, Reaching Out, p.123-124
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Twenty-One...
I wrote this song last night...Right before I turned twenty-one...I've come a long way in twenty one years, and a good chunk of that in the last five or so...Here is a part of my story...
"Twenty One"
From the very first day out here
I was so small, so weak and so pure
And then life left from there
I lived without my heart in yours
For myself and only me
But in that corner I met you
Thank you for the twenty people that I've met
Thank you for the twenty places that I've been
Thank you for the twenty faces that I've had
As I sit and look back now
I can see that the path I walked
Was for me and only me
I'm sorry that it took me so long
To get here
But for what it's worth
I'm glad to be me
Thank you for the twenty people that I've met
Thank you for the twenty places that I've been
Thank you for the twenty faces that I've had
Thank you for the twenty sunsets I've seen set
Thank you for the twenty stars in the sky
Thank you for the twenty footsteps that I've had
And if I left tonight
I would be ok with me
Because you are in me
Thank you for the twenty times that we've met
Thank you for the twenty things that I am
Thank you for the twenty-one years I've had
"Twenty One"
From the very first day out here
I was so small, so weak and so pure
And then life left from there
I lived without my heart in yours
For myself and only me
But in that corner I met you
Thank you for the twenty people that I've met
Thank you for the twenty places that I've been
Thank you for the twenty faces that I've had
As I sit and look back now
I can see that the path I walked
Was for me and only me
I'm sorry that it took me so long
To get here
But for what it's worth
I'm glad to be me
Thank you for the twenty people that I've met
Thank you for the twenty places that I've been
Thank you for the twenty faces that I've had
Thank you for the twenty sunsets I've seen set
Thank you for the twenty stars in the sky
Thank you for the twenty footsteps that I've had
And if I left tonight
I would be ok with me
Because you are in me
Thank you for the twenty times that we've met
Thank you for the twenty things that I am
Thank you for the twenty-one years I've had
Monday, August 03, 2009
Wellspring...The End.
So the end is here...My summer job/ministry/calling/life is over...for now...
This summer brought out a lot in me...Good and bad...I grew as a musician, a friend, a brother in Christ, a speaker, and a Christ Follower...
God grabbed me by the suspenders in the middle of it all and thrust me into my calling even further when I was the youth speaker at a camp, and then threw more opportunities at me as the summer came to a close...
I met some fantastic people...Awesome men and women sold out for God, admitting their weakness as a human and strength in Christ...I was taught by some of these people how to be myself and own up to how God created me...
I broke a barrier I had in trusting God's faithfulness and my honesty in prayer...
I realized that just when I peg someone as something, they drop to their knees and raise their hands towards heaven in surrender- to the music I am playing for God...Probably one of the most humbling things I have ever experienced...
As the summer went on, I realized how much kids looked up to me to see what a Godly man looks like...I didn't take that as pressure, I took it as an opportunity to be in God's plan in their lives...God opened and shut my mouth at just the right times...
Guys, I was apart of something this summer that is no better or worse than what you did...I am simply glad that God was in the center of it and that I was able to be apart of the process...Who am I? What makes me qualified to be in the middle of God's plan in this way?
NOTHING.
That's the beauty of grace...
To go back to who I was would be a disgrace to the name of Jesus Christ...
"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you as an example, that you should follow in his steps."
1 Peter 2:21
This summer brought out a lot in me...Good and bad...I grew as a musician, a friend, a brother in Christ, a speaker, and a Christ Follower...
God grabbed me by the suspenders in the middle of it all and thrust me into my calling even further when I was the youth speaker at a camp, and then threw more opportunities at me as the summer came to a close...
I met some fantastic people...Awesome men and women sold out for God, admitting their weakness as a human and strength in Christ...I was taught by some of these people how to be myself and own up to how God created me...
I broke a barrier I had in trusting God's faithfulness and my honesty in prayer...
I realized that just when I peg someone as something, they drop to their knees and raise their hands towards heaven in surrender- to the music I am playing for God...Probably one of the most humbling things I have ever experienced...
As the summer went on, I realized how much kids looked up to me to see what a Godly man looks like...I didn't take that as pressure, I took it as an opportunity to be in God's plan in their lives...God opened and shut my mouth at just the right times...
Guys, I was apart of something this summer that is no better or worse than what you did...I am simply glad that God was in the center of it and that I was able to be apart of the process...Who am I? What makes me qualified to be in the middle of God's plan in this way?
NOTHING.
That's the beauty of grace...
To go back to who I was would be a disgrace to the name of Jesus Christ...
"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you as an example, that you should follow in his steps."
1 Peter 2:21
Friday, July 24, 2009
πάντα ἰσχύω ἐν τῷ ἐνδυναμοῦντί με
One more week till the end...
I'm sitting in the staff lounge at Covenant Hills Camp in Michigan on one of the most comfortable couches my butt has ever touched...This week has been great...We play for the youth in the morning and we had a worship concert on Wednesday...That was so much fun and so cool to be able to play with that many people around worshiping with us...
With only one week left I'm starting to reflect on the last six or seven weeks...How much I have been blessed with and how much I was able to be apart of...I also realize I have been apart of things that I have no knowledge of...I still have never been able to help anyone receive Christ directly...But I am content in knowing that I have been a piece of the puzzle for some...Maybe in a line of fourteen I am number six or number ten...Who cares...As long as they see Jesus...
I am happy with where my mindset is with God...This summer has taught me to break down walls of doubt and walls that made me second guess my motives...I have started to just tell Satan to shut up and really believe that God can protect my heart and mind...This may be elementary and trivial, but it's something I needed to conquer...
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
Philippians 4:11-12
I'm sitting in the staff lounge at Covenant Hills Camp in Michigan on one of the most comfortable couches my butt has ever touched...This week has been great...We play for the youth in the morning and we had a worship concert on Wednesday...That was so much fun and so cool to be able to play with that many people around worshiping with us...
With only one week left I'm starting to reflect on the last six or seven weeks...How much I have been blessed with and how much I was able to be apart of...I also realize I have been apart of things that I have no knowledge of...I still have never been able to help anyone receive Christ directly...But I am content in knowing that I have been a piece of the puzzle for some...Maybe in a line of fourteen I am number six or number ten...Who cares...As long as they see Jesus...
I am happy with where my mindset is with God...This summer has taught me to break down walls of doubt and walls that made me second guess my motives...I have started to just tell Satan to shut up and really believe that God can protect my heart and mind...This may be elementary and trivial, but it's something I needed to conquer...
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
Philippians 4:11-12
Friday, July 17, 2009
Sanctitatis...
So this week went well...I was the speaker for the youth at the camp we are at this week...
Who am I? That is what was running through my head all week...God spoke through me this week guys...It was awesome to see how the teens responded as the week went on...We didn't do any altar calls or anything like that...I would have loved to, but with the service being in the morning the kids already didn't pay attention half the time...But I tell you, I loved it...I was sitting in a coffee shop half the week for internet doing research and looking up the New Testament in the original Greek language...And I loved it...I'm a nerd...Diving in like that and preparing a week's worth or stuff was awesome...
It was great to have the free time this week to do it too...Being at a family camp gave the whole team time to rest, which was well needed...Awesome to see God's plan for our summer in that way...
But I've been fishing around in this calling as well...I know I am called to youth and maybe college age ministry, and speaking this week has helped affirm that calling and also made me realize I love to stand in front of people and bring the Truth on...With my personality, I don't like to beat around the bush, even if I may say something that someone is not the fondest of...So this week I did just that...I told it like it was, and it went over well...God shone through...
If you prayed for me this week, thanks so much...God is faithful eh?
"God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called."
The guys on the team:
Who am I? That is what was running through my head all week...God spoke through me this week guys...It was awesome to see how the teens responded as the week went on...We didn't do any altar calls or anything like that...I would have loved to, but with the service being in the morning the kids already didn't pay attention half the time...But I tell you, I loved it...I was sitting in a coffee shop half the week for internet doing research and looking up the New Testament in the original Greek language...And I loved it...I'm a nerd...Diving in like that and preparing a week's worth or stuff was awesome...
It was great to have the free time this week to do it too...Being at a family camp gave the whole team time to rest, which was well needed...Awesome to see God's plan for our summer in that way...
But I've been fishing around in this calling as well...I know I am called to youth and maybe college age ministry, and speaking this week has helped affirm that calling and also made me realize I love to stand in front of people and bring the Truth on...With my personality, I don't like to beat around the bush, even if I may say something that someone is not the fondest of...So this week I did just that...I told it like it was, and it went over well...God shone through...
If you prayed for me this week, thanks so much...God is faithful eh?
"God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called."
The guys on the team:
Saturday, July 11, 2009
A Calling Explored...
So it's been awhile...Hard to get internet often and have enough time when we do to post here...
To catch you up...My summer job is touring around in a worship band to a different camp every week...
It's been a wild and fun ride so far...I'm still in awe everyday that I am getting paid to do what I do...It really makes me look at the future and want to really make sure I don't have a desk job...I would be ok with the traveling lifestyle for sure...The last few camps have been really different but good in their own right...We were at Sky Lodge in Wisconsin a few weeks back and I loved it...We were counselors as well as playing the music and I didn't know how I would handle the little free time, but I was fine...Living with and investing in the kids' lives was so rewarding...It fits who I am and what I want to keep doing with my life...The boys in my cabin were all solid and really wanted to make a difference in the world, especially one of the kids...I got to spend some extra time at night one on one with him and talk with him...Seeing how young they are and how they want to do so much is encouraging...
Last week's camp was way smaller and had a completely different style...A lot of the kids come from broken homes and less wealthy backgrounds...Most of them thought divorce was just another part of marriage...And some of the kids in my cabin were awesome too and had a desire to be more than the average Joe...They wanted to look different than the rest of the world...
The camp this week will be way more laid back...It's a family camp and we don't have to be counselors...Free time will be higher than average...For me it will mean preparing for the next day...I am the speaker this week for the youth...Everyday I speak after we lead worship...I feel like this a step towards the calling I am living in right now...For now and for the future...I understand the gifts God has given me and I am excited to explore this one even more...I love to share God and the Bible to anyone, especially to a room full of half-attentive students...
But I ask you to pray, if you believe in it, for me...I'm pretty sick right now and have been for a few days...I just honestly want to speak God's words and truth...So whether I am in good health or not is secondary, although it would be nice to not feel weak and have a fever everyday :)
Peace and Love in Christ,
:jake
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in an and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
Phillipians 4:11-13
To catch you up...My summer job is touring around in a worship band to a different camp every week...
It's been a wild and fun ride so far...I'm still in awe everyday that I am getting paid to do what I do...It really makes me look at the future and want to really make sure I don't have a desk job...I would be ok with the traveling lifestyle for sure...The last few camps have been really different but good in their own right...We were at Sky Lodge in Wisconsin a few weeks back and I loved it...We were counselors as well as playing the music and I didn't know how I would handle the little free time, but I was fine...Living with and investing in the kids' lives was so rewarding...It fits who I am and what I want to keep doing with my life...The boys in my cabin were all solid and really wanted to make a difference in the world, especially one of the kids...I got to spend some extra time at night one on one with him and talk with him...Seeing how young they are and how they want to do so much is encouraging...
Last week's camp was way smaller and had a completely different style...A lot of the kids come from broken homes and less wealthy backgrounds...Most of them thought divorce was just another part of marriage...And some of the kids in my cabin were awesome too and had a desire to be more than the average Joe...They wanted to look different than the rest of the world...
The camp this week will be way more laid back...It's a family camp and we don't have to be counselors...Free time will be higher than average...For me it will mean preparing for the next day...I am the speaker this week for the youth...Everyday I speak after we lead worship...I feel like this a step towards the calling I am living in right now...For now and for the future...I understand the gifts God has given me and I am excited to explore this one even more...I love to share God and the Bible to anyone, especially to a room full of half-attentive students...
But I ask you to pray, if you believe in it, for me...I'm pretty sick right now and have been for a few days...I just honestly want to speak God's words and truth...So whether I am in good health or not is secondary, although it would be nice to not feel weak and have a fever everyday :)
Peace and Love in Christ,
:jake
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in an and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
Phillipians 4:11-13
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
For Lack of a Better Title: Wellspring 2
Sooo sorry it has been so long for a post...It's been hard to get good internet and free time to be able to post...
I'm in my third week of going to camps and playing the worship with seven other people...We form a band called Wellspring...This job has been awesome...The previous two camps gave us a lot of free time because we weren't camp counselors, just the band...So we hung with kids whenever and practiced a ton...Musically our band is pretty tight, as well as friendship-wise...Everyone in the band has a similar mindset and it makes things soo much better and easier to work with...
These last three weeks have been the coolest and in some ways hard for me...I am living my dream job...But I am also struggling with staying focused all the time...I am not 100% sure where my role is on the team all the time...It's not really because everyone else fills every role I have ever had either, although that IS part of it, the main reason is my lack of identity I have gained from Christ...Not that Jesus has changed at all...I have just lost some of what has made me who I am...
In a few weeks I am the speaker at one of the camps we go to...If you read this, I need prayer...I know God is here...I just seem to be missing a gear once in awhile and can't quite put my finger on it...When I speak I want to be filled with The Spirit and say what He wants me to say...And everyday I want to do what He wants and minister to these kids in the way He wants...
Time is short and I must go, so more on this later...Thanks for reading and don't worry...I am having a great time!
Peace and Love in Christ,
:jake
I'm in my third week of going to camps and playing the worship with seven other people...We form a band called Wellspring...This job has been awesome...The previous two camps gave us a lot of free time because we weren't camp counselors, just the band...So we hung with kids whenever and practiced a ton...Musically our band is pretty tight, as well as friendship-wise...Everyone in the band has a similar mindset and it makes things soo much better and easier to work with...
These last three weeks have been the coolest and in some ways hard for me...I am living my dream job...But I am also struggling with staying focused all the time...I am not 100% sure where my role is on the team all the time...It's not really because everyone else fills every role I have ever had either, although that IS part of it, the main reason is my lack of identity I have gained from Christ...Not that Jesus has changed at all...I have just lost some of what has made me who I am...
In a few weeks I am the speaker at one of the camps we go to...If you read this, I need prayer...I know God is here...I just seem to be missing a gear once in awhile and can't quite put my finger on it...When I speak I want to be filled with The Spirit and say what He wants me to say...And everyday I want to do what He wants and minister to these kids in the way He wants...
Time is short and I must go, so more on this later...Thanks for reading and don't worry...I am having a great time!
Peace and Love in Christ,
:jake
Thursday, June 11, 2009
WELLSPRING...
So...Here begins a journey...For the next 2 months my job is traveling around Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, and Wisconsin in a worship band...We go to a different camp every week and lead worship and help as camp counselors...Basically I am on tour with some of the coolest people ever...We have been training this whole week, working on songs and sitting in meetings about camp stuff...Our name is Wellspring...
Logistics and technical stuff aside...Oh my word what a great opportunity I have this summer...This is like a dream job for me...I love to play music...I love to worship God...I want to maybe work at and/or own a youth camp...Once again, right up my alley...
Basically it comes down to this though...I have been in a lull/rut/hole/whatever is the last bit...I have lost who I once was...
Not that I am looking back to the past trying to relive it, but more like trying to find God in THIS VERY MOMENT...
So here is where I ask for a favor...I don't care what you believe, but I would appreciate it so much if you would pray for me...Guys, I HAVE to be transformed more by Christ than I let Him...No more settling for getting by...It's time to step it up and be who God intended me to be...
I want to be myself, but a more sanctified version of myself...
Right Here. Right Now.
The journey begins.
I want to look in the mirror and see the mold I create to not be one of myself, but the reflection of Christ...
"SOMETHING SACRED IS AT STAKE AT EVERY MOMENT."
-Abraham Heschel
Logistics and technical stuff aside...Oh my word what a great opportunity I have this summer...This is like a dream job for me...I love to play music...I love to worship God...I want to maybe work at and/or own a youth camp...Once again, right up my alley...
Basically it comes down to this though...I have been in a lull/rut/hole/whatever is the last bit...I have lost who I once was...
Not that I am looking back to the past trying to relive it, but more like trying to find God in THIS VERY MOMENT...
So here is where I ask for a favor...I don't care what you believe, but I would appreciate it so much if you would pray for me...Guys, I HAVE to be transformed more by Christ than I let Him...No more settling for getting by...It's time to step it up and be who God intended me to be...
I want to be myself, but a more sanctified version of myself...
Right Here. Right Now.
The journey begins.
I want to look in the mirror and see the mold I create to not be one of myself, but the reflection of Christ...
"SOMETHING SACRED IS AT STAKE AT EVERY MOMENT."
-Abraham Heschel
Sunday, June 07, 2009
The CO...
Wow...What a trip to Colorado...Had a great time...Jerm and I drove out and hung out with Abe for a few days...Whitewater rafted, 4-wheeled up a mountain with Abe's 4Runner at 1 am and talked about life for a few hours, and played my guitar 12,000+ feet above sea level on top of a mountain...Great to see Abe in the place his heart is and see the maturity this past year has brought the kid...Funny how all of us friends want to change the world somehow...Good to spend time in the car with Jerm too...Had so many discussions about God, Faith, and Religion that I wouldn't even know where to begin...I guess with twenty hours in car, you tend to talk about stuff below the surface :)
Here's some pictures from it...
Here's some pictures from it...
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Off to the CO...
So me and my buddy Jeremy are taking off here pretty soon to head out west for the week...Stopping in Kansas for a night at one of his friend's houses and then off to Colorado the next day to see our buddy Abe who works at a whitewater rafting company called Noah's Ark...
Should be a great time...My family used to go out west all the time for vacations every summer and I loved it every time...There's something about the smell out there...The mountain air is like home...I miss it and am glad to be heading back there for the first time in a few years...
On a different note it will be the last time I have time to myself until I leave for my summer job, which consists of touring in a worship band and being a camp counselor at every camp we go to for that week...Definitely gonna take advantage of the quiet time and hopefully reconnect with God on a few things that I have let go lately...
Anyways, hope you all have a good one and I'll let you know how it goes...
:jake
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
Matthew 6:33
And just for you Abe-
Should be a great time...My family used to go out west all the time for vacations every summer and I loved it every time...There's something about the smell out there...The mountain air is like home...I miss it and am glad to be heading back there for the first time in a few years...
On a different note it will be the last time I have time to myself until I leave for my summer job, which consists of touring in a worship band and being a camp counselor at every camp we go to for that week...Definitely gonna take advantage of the quiet time and hopefully reconnect with God on a few things that I have let go lately...
Anyways, hope you all have a good one and I'll let you know how it goes...
:jake
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
Matthew 6:33
And just for you Abe-
Monday, May 18, 2009
My Name Is Peter...
Oh how often we identify ourselves with people...People we have known, people we have heard about, or people currently in our lives...When I read a story, especially one in the Bible, I often do just that...When Jesus was pissing off the Pharisees because he was merciful to the lowly and poor, I thought at times I was the lowly and poor that Jesus has compassion for...After awhile I realized I was dead wrong...I was the Pharisee. I am the Pharisee.
Funny thing, I'm watching Prince Caspian as I type...I have realized how much I am like Peter; in the book/movie, and in the Bible...I feel like I have it under control and I feel like I'm fine...I take charge and imply my own set of standards and rules, thinking I know best how to handle something...
Then I fail.
Hard.
The worst part is...Sometimes I don't feel bad...Sometimes I don't care enough that I failed...
There is a scene where Peter sits in front of a statue of Aslan...This is after he has tried a slue of things on his own, making his own decisions for whatever he thought was best...They were all made with emotion and little decision-making time...Well, Peter sits there and wonders how his sister trust even when it seems like Aslan is not there...Like Aslan had abandoned them...Aslan didn't abandon them though...When Peter asks Lucy how she knows that Aslan is real and alive, he begs for proof...Lucy's answer haunts me: "Maybe we're the ones that need to prove ourselves to Him."
I want to be so many great things and do so much...But I am unwilling to prepare in the way I have been asked and commanded to do so...I fall and fall and fall and feel no remorse...I set myself up for failure...I watch as I lead myself down the wide path...I am my own worst enemy...
I give credit to the evil...I let it have a personality, a mind of its own...Letting it take root in my heart and grow from a seed...I listen to its whispers and its chants...I let it have my feelings and senses...I let it have me...
How minuscule and incomplete my understanding of grace is...Not grace because I want to feel better after I fall...But Grace because I want to understand life before the fall...
I want to recognize that the hole can never be completely filled with black...
I want to recognize that the hole can only be completely filled with RED.
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."
Philippians 3:7-11
Funny thing, I'm watching Prince Caspian as I type...I have realized how much I am like Peter; in the book/movie, and in the Bible...I feel like I have it under control and I feel like I'm fine...I take charge and imply my own set of standards and rules, thinking I know best how to handle something...
Then I fail.
Hard.
The worst part is...Sometimes I don't feel bad...Sometimes I don't care enough that I failed...
There is a scene where Peter sits in front of a statue of Aslan...This is after he has tried a slue of things on his own, making his own decisions for whatever he thought was best...They were all made with emotion and little decision-making time...Well, Peter sits there and wonders how his sister trust even when it seems like Aslan is not there...Like Aslan had abandoned them...Aslan didn't abandon them though...When Peter asks Lucy how she knows that Aslan is real and alive, he begs for proof...Lucy's answer haunts me: "Maybe we're the ones that need to prove ourselves to Him."
I want to be so many great things and do so much...But I am unwilling to prepare in the way I have been asked and commanded to do so...I fall and fall and fall and feel no remorse...I set myself up for failure...I watch as I lead myself down the wide path...I am my own worst enemy...
I give credit to the evil...I let it have a personality, a mind of its own...Letting it take root in my heart and grow from a seed...I listen to its whispers and its chants...I let it have my feelings and senses...I let it have me...
How minuscule and incomplete my understanding of grace is...Not grace because I want to feel better after I fall...But Grace because I want to understand life before the fall...
I want to recognize that the hole can never be completely filled with black...
I want to recognize that the hole can only be completely filled with RED.
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."
Philippians 3:7-11
Monday, April 20, 2009
Seven Second Chances
So my friend and band mate Brandon recently shared this story on his blog on facebook...I think it's straight up awesome and so I want to share it with all of you...So here it is, word for word...He speaks wisely in this...
God works folks...Period.
"Seven Second Chances" -Brandon McCarrell
"Do you believe in second chances? I sure do... but do you believe in getting seven chances at something? Ya, sounds totally ridiculous right? Most people do not get even a second chance at things such as school, a job, a relationship, even life. But that is the topic of me writing this... LIFE.
God gave humanity Life through Adam and Eve and let it prosper, but we have also seen his awesome power take many lives away... For some reason I don't think he wants to do that with mine.
As most of you know I have been... in a way... blessed with numerous medical issues. Now, do not get the wrong impression that I like all that has gone on in my life because believe me 25 major operations, hundreds of procedures, and countless tests is not something I would wish on anyone, because it is not fun at all. But these obstacles have molded me into the person I am today. Through others I know I am meticulous, caring, I persevere, work hard, am loyal, and love family and friends etc... through all of this though; forcing me to grow up fast, and make hard decisions has only brought me closer to God, or at least given me a deeper understanding of the importance of Faith in ones life.
Above, as I listed a short summary of what I have been through I left out one detail... the second, third, forth, fifth, sixth... chances... not at a job or some worldly experience, but Life. No not a life in Christ, but actual, breathing, heart beating Life. For those of you who do not know already, this past week I had another run-in with my body trying to stop working... On Wednesday I went in for one of my routine, every 4 month IV Iron infusions, but things did not go as smoothly as they normally do. The doctors wanted to try a new drug that they could administer over a 3 hour period one time... not the 2 one hour treatments I normally get. So as things were going normally, I then felt a burning in my ankles and had some joint pain... Knowing the joint pain was normal I blew it off... Then I Blacked Out... About halfway in I had an Adverse Reaction to the medication and my body seized... As I came to with six doctors around me I was then given a heavy dose of Benedryll... At this point I feel great, well that was the meds talking... My parents were called and my dad was able to be by my side! An hour later as I was about to get the Ok to head home... I started to feel weird and Blacked Out again, but not seizing. I was then induced with a huge amount of steroids to stabilize my bodies reaction the the IV Iron... After the second attack, my mother then was able to come up and sit with me and talk to the doctors. After waiting it out another hour... had been there from 8:30-3pm already I was feeling Ok, able to walk, and was good to go home.
I am not writing this so you guys will be like... Oh Crap, and feel guilty or pity for me... not at all... but more because I amazed myself...
That day I was supposed to have band practice with my two bands and the next day, Thursday, I was supposed to have Fitness Class, 2 other classes, then work. Now, some would have taken the rest of the week off to recover... because every joint in my body was stiff and sore, I have felt dizzy since then, and am on steroids till this Tuesday... so, it would have been understandable... But somehow I did not care what had just happened... I mustered enough energy to get through the band practices, fitness class, and 3 shows with my bands this weekend!
Some may see this as being stubborn, or thinking of others before myself, but I feel like I recover faster if I stay active or keep my mind off of what happened... Also, it was just only a few days ago that I truly understood how Lucky I was to walk out of there.
I was told by a friend that, "God wants you here for some reason, you may not know yet, but not everyone would have made it through half of the things you have been through." This is the reason I think I did not cancel anything this week, or just sit on my butt and relax... God has given me another chance at Life... at making a difference in someone else's life through my testimony, my struggles, my music, or even just how I live my life... And I want to do this to the fullest of my ability.
Because not everyone gets "Seven Second Chances"
God works folks...Period.
"Seven Second Chances" -Brandon McCarrell
"Do you believe in second chances? I sure do... but do you believe in getting seven chances at something? Ya, sounds totally ridiculous right? Most people do not get even a second chance at things such as school, a job, a relationship, even life. But that is the topic of me writing this... LIFE.
God gave humanity Life through Adam and Eve and let it prosper, but we have also seen his awesome power take many lives away... For some reason I don't think he wants to do that with mine.
As most of you know I have been... in a way... blessed with numerous medical issues. Now, do not get the wrong impression that I like all that has gone on in my life because believe me 25 major operations, hundreds of procedures, and countless tests is not something I would wish on anyone, because it is not fun at all. But these obstacles have molded me into the person I am today. Through others I know I am meticulous, caring, I persevere, work hard, am loyal, and love family and friends etc... through all of this though; forcing me to grow up fast, and make hard decisions has only brought me closer to God, or at least given me a deeper understanding of the importance of Faith in ones life.
Above, as I listed a short summary of what I have been through I left out one detail... the second, third, forth, fifth, sixth... chances... not at a job or some worldly experience, but Life. No not a life in Christ, but actual, breathing, heart beating Life. For those of you who do not know already, this past week I had another run-in with my body trying to stop working... On Wednesday I went in for one of my routine, every 4 month IV Iron infusions, but things did not go as smoothly as they normally do. The doctors wanted to try a new drug that they could administer over a 3 hour period one time... not the 2 one hour treatments I normally get. So as things were going normally, I then felt a burning in my ankles and had some joint pain... Knowing the joint pain was normal I blew it off... Then I Blacked Out... About halfway in I had an Adverse Reaction to the medication and my body seized... As I came to with six doctors around me I was then given a heavy dose of Benedryll... At this point I feel great, well that was the meds talking... My parents were called and my dad was able to be by my side! An hour later as I was about to get the Ok to head home... I started to feel weird and Blacked Out again, but not seizing. I was then induced with a huge amount of steroids to stabilize my bodies reaction the the IV Iron... After the second attack, my mother then was able to come up and sit with me and talk to the doctors. After waiting it out another hour... had been there from 8:30-3pm already I was feeling Ok, able to walk, and was good to go home.
I am not writing this so you guys will be like... Oh Crap, and feel guilty or pity for me... not at all... but more because I amazed myself...
That day I was supposed to have band practice with my two bands and the next day, Thursday, I was supposed to have Fitness Class, 2 other classes, then work. Now, some would have taken the rest of the week off to recover... because every joint in my body was stiff and sore, I have felt dizzy since then, and am on steroids till this Tuesday... so, it would have been understandable... But somehow I did not care what had just happened... I mustered enough energy to get through the band practices, fitness class, and 3 shows with my bands this weekend!
Some may see this as being stubborn, or thinking of others before myself, but I feel like I recover faster if I stay active or keep my mind off of what happened... Also, it was just only a few days ago that I truly understood how Lucky I was to walk out of there.
I was told by a friend that, "God wants you here for some reason, you may not know yet, but not everyone would have made it through half of the things you have been through." This is the reason I think I did not cancel anything this week, or just sit on my butt and relax... God has given me another chance at Life... at making a difference in someone else's life through my testimony, my struggles, my music, or even just how I live my life... And I want to do this to the fullest of my ability.
Because not everyone gets "Seven Second Chances"
Monday, April 06, 2009
They're On The Bottom Of The Ocean Floor....
Wow...Got put in my place tonight...This past weekend hasn't been the best, but whatever, we all have a bad day here and there...Tonight I realized how much I have been thinking about myself, even in the past few days...In a bad way...Selfishness is the main theme I can think of for the last little bit...Today all I could think about was myself and I pretty much threw a pity party without even realizing it...I thought I deserved more than what I had...
First of all I deserve nothing, which is why grace is flat out so amazing...
It's nuts how much we stop loving ourselves and believe lies for so long...It's crazy how we think we are supposed to be happy/joyful/peaceful/excited/etc...And then we feel guilty when we get these things...What a lie...Jesus shed his blood so we don't have to...We have such a small obscure view of God and grace...We try to put it all in a box and then get mad at God when he doesn't fit into it...
I love how when you pray and really feel like you have no business talking to God, that he brings forth words from your mouth that seem to be the perfect words for the time...
All I could think of tonight was this song...It was the song that really impacted me when I first became a Christian five years ago...I will always hold a place for this song...
The Mistakes I've made
That cause pain
I could have done without
All my selfish thought
All my pride
The things I hide
You have forgot about
They’re all behind you
They’ll never find you
There on the ocean floor
You sins are forgotten
They’re on the bottom
Of the ocean floor
My misdeeds
All my greed
All the things that haunt me now
They’re not a pretty sight to see
But they're wiped away
By a mighty, mighty wave
A mighty, mighty wave
Your sins are erased
And they are no more
They’re out on the ocean floor
Take them away
To return no more
Take them away
To the ocean floor
Your sins are erased
There are no more
They’re out on the ocean floor
::Audio Adrenaline::
::"Ocean Floor"::
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."
Philippians 2:3
First of all I deserve nothing, which is why grace is flat out so amazing...
It's nuts how much we stop loving ourselves and believe lies for so long...It's crazy how we think we are supposed to be happy/joyful/peaceful/excited/etc...And then we feel guilty when we get these things...What a lie...Jesus shed his blood so we don't have to...We have such a small obscure view of God and grace...We try to put it all in a box and then get mad at God when he doesn't fit into it...
I love how when you pray and really feel like you have no business talking to God, that he brings forth words from your mouth that seem to be the perfect words for the time...
All I could think of tonight was this song...It was the song that really impacted me when I first became a Christian five years ago...I will always hold a place for this song...
The Mistakes I've made
That cause pain
I could have done without
All my selfish thought
All my pride
The things I hide
You have forgot about
They’re all behind you
They’ll never find you
There on the ocean floor
You sins are forgotten
They’re on the bottom
Of the ocean floor
My misdeeds
All my greed
All the things that haunt me now
They’re not a pretty sight to see
But they're wiped away
By a mighty, mighty wave
A mighty, mighty wave
Your sins are erased
And they are no more
They’re out on the ocean floor
Take them away
To return no more
Take them away
To the ocean floor
Your sins are erased
There are no more
They’re out on the ocean floor
::Audio Adrenaline::
::"Ocean Floor"::
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."
Philippians 2:3
Monday, March 30, 2009
Music Speaks...
Here's a song I wrote...I have been feeling this stuff lately...Sorry for not posting much either...Especially stuff of depth...I have a lot to say but little time to say it...But I will for sure try to get on that...God is good...That is constant...
I don't have a name for it yet...Working on that...
I've put my hope in broken things
I've put my hope in shattered things
And all these thoughts I have are mine alone
All these hopes and dreams are mine alone
Who am I that I might speak for You
Who am I that I might walk for You
I have all these things on my mind
But none of them seem to lead anywhere
My heart seems to be the only thing
That I can feel tonight
Who am I that I might speak for You
Who am I that I might walk for You
I can't go back
I won't go back
To the day I fell
Who am I
I don't have a name for it yet...Working on that...
I've put my hope in broken things
I've put my hope in shattered things
And all these thoughts I have are mine alone
All these hopes and dreams are mine alone
Who am I that I might speak for You
Who am I that I might walk for You
I have all these things on my mind
But none of them seem to lead anywhere
My heart seems to be the only thing
That I can feel tonight
Who am I that I might speak for You
Who am I that I might walk for You
I can't go back
I won't go back
To the day I fell
Who am I
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Desolate Earth :: The End Is Here
You said
There was nothing left out here
Well I roamed around the wasteland
And I swear I found something
I found hope
I found God
I found the dreams of the believers
The dreams of the believers
Oh God, save us all...
There was nothing left out here
Well I roamed around the wasteland
And I swear I found something
I found hope
I found God
I found the dreams of the believers
The dreams of the believers
Oh God, save us all...
Friday, March 13, 2009
Alone In The Wilderness...
So, throughout this school year and especially since I got back from Cambodia at the end of January, alone time has been scarce...I am in charge of a freshmen floor at my college and the demands are high...Everyone has a need of some kind, which I am totally cool with...I signed up for the job knowing what I was gonna get into to some degree...The problem is, I have had almost no time for myself...I blame myself some for that, I definitely missed opportunities to get that when I could...But with spring break this next week and no students around, I have decided to get that alone time...I'm going to go backpacking in Shenandoah National park in Virginia for a week...During the day when I'm going to hike alone and then camp at night with the buddies I am driving down with...I am stoked and scared for the alone time...I don't know what God will say or even if he will say anything...I know it may take a few days to clear my head of all my thoughts too...
I ask that you pray, if you believe in it...I just need to hear from God or at least feel Him a little again...I know He is there, but discouragement has been a theme for a bit now...I feel like I am a terrible student leader at college a terrible leader for my high school small group guys...I know it's Satan, but the lie has deceived me on occasion...
One more prayer...A guy close to me lost his dad a few nights ago...The family has a heavy burden now...Pray for them...
So here I go...Into the wilderness for five days, semi-alone and ready to just be free...
-Sinko
I ask that you pray, if you believe in it...I just need to hear from God or at least feel Him a little again...I know He is there, but discouragement has been a theme for a bit now...I feel like I am a terrible student leader at college a terrible leader for my high school small group guys...I know it's Satan, but the lie has deceived me on occasion...
One more prayer...A guy close to me lost his dad a few nights ago...The family has a heavy burden now...Pray for them...
So here I go...Into the wilderness for five days, semi-alone and ready to just be free...
-Sinko
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
My Head and Heart...
Something has been bugging me lately about how I have been handling my relationships...Not just female, but those in particular I guess...I have had an agenda with them...This all sounds so middle-schoolish too, but with girls, I have maybe talked to them or given them attention not just to make friends, but for potential for a girlfriend someday...Now that I have been thinking about it, I don't think that is a good approach or a Godly approach...They are my sisters in Christ...Made in the image of God...
Why then, do I think like a middle-schooler? My first thought when I see my sisters in Christ are not honorable to them as such...Instead, I need to be looking at them as friends and people who can be a part of my life in such ways...
I've been in this place in my life where girls are on my mind all the time, and none of the time...I honestly feel like I am 14 years old or something...What's funny is that I just can't connect my heart and my head...In my head, I know that dating is not a necessity and that life single is great as well...I have lived in it pretty much my whole life...I love it...But for some reason, I can't tell my heart that I don't want to feel like I want to have a girlfriend...It's odd...
At the center, God is there...I know that putting this and any part of my life in his control is the only way to go...And I know that looking at His daughters with pure intent and a solid heart is the only way to go as well...He'll show the way for sure...
Man, reading this back to myself makes me think I have a longer way to go than I thought...Sorry if you had to read this and the maturity level was low...I'm not sure why...
Why then, do I think like a middle-schooler? My first thought when I see my sisters in Christ are not honorable to them as such...Instead, I need to be looking at them as friends and people who can be a part of my life in such ways...
I've been in this place in my life where girls are on my mind all the time, and none of the time...I honestly feel like I am 14 years old or something...What's funny is that I just can't connect my heart and my head...In my head, I know that dating is not a necessity and that life single is great as well...I have lived in it pretty much my whole life...I love it...But for some reason, I can't tell my heart that I don't want to feel like I want to have a girlfriend...It's odd...
At the center, God is there...I know that putting this and any part of my life in his control is the only way to go...And I know that looking at His daughters with pure intent and a solid heart is the only way to go as well...He'll show the way for sure...
Man, reading this back to myself makes me think I have a longer way to go than I thought...Sorry if you had to read this and the maturity level was low...I'm not sure why...
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Tonight The Stars Speak...
My word...The stars...They speak with no noise...I am struck dumb...How does something so big seem so small, yet still make me feel insignificant? You see, sometimes I think I am pretty awesome...Sometimes I tell myself that I am really good at this thing called life and that I can do no wrong...These times are not Godly...These times result in one cocky, arrogant dude walking around...Man, I look back on those times and wonder who I am...How and why do I think that I am so special? Now I know that I am special to God and that I am made exactly how He wanted me to be...But I am talking more about me thinking that I am pretty big stuff around other people, whether it is true or not...Humility is something that I know I have had to work on and will need to continue to work on...Some of this may seem pretty elementary as far as a thought process goes, so let me expand...
It was a clear night in Indiana tonight...I looked up at the stars...The problem was that I merely looked at them...I didn't immediately go beyond the looking and into the wondering...You see, the stars are huge balls of gas millions of miles and light years away...Just stars...Well, here I am on earth, small and insignificant...I didn't ask for them to be there, they just were...Praise God in heaven I can stare up and be lost in something soo much bigger than myself...
I still am struggling to get what I want to say across, so let me try one more time...
I looked up and got slapped...Stars everywhere...Far away, but still there...There for me to look at and wonder...I has no answers for why I was able to see what I saw, but I saw God in this creation...I want nothing more than to serve God on this earth...Not God plus anything, but just God and God alone...God is so much bigger than I ever planned on Him being...The stars prove it...I'm small, but God still wants to use me and love me...He doesn't need me, He's powerful enough... but He wants me...What? Why? What love is this?
This place we live in is soo big yet we can't see past the end of our noses sometimes...Who are we? Who are you? Why do I get this feeling in me that I can't explain in words every time I look up at the stars? What is driving me to stay up at night and not think, but just wonder...This is worship...Sitting in wonder...Trying not to speak, but just listen in the vastness that surrounds us all...
Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have means nothing at all
Compared to your glory, Oh lord
How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelope me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please
My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak
I cry in your arms now
God grant me the strength to rest in you
I lift my hands and cry
::The Glorious Unseen::
::"Tonight The Stars Speak"::
It was a clear night in Indiana tonight...I looked up at the stars...The problem was that I merely looked at them...I didn't immediately go beyond the looking and into the wondering...You see, the stars are huge balls of gas millions of miles and light years away...Just stars...Well, here I am on earth, small and insignificant...I didn't ask for them to be there, they just were...Praise God in heaven I can stare up and be lost in something soo much bigger than myself...
I still am struggling to get what I want to say across, so let me try one more time...
I looked up and got slapped...Stars everywhere...Far away, but still there...There for me to look at and wonder...I has no answers for why I was able to see what I saw, but I saw God in this creation...I want nothing more than to serve God on this earth...Not God plus anything, but just God and God alone...God is so much bigger than I ever planned on Him being...The stars prove it...I'm small, but God still wants to use me and love me...He doesn't need me, He's powerful enough... but He wants me...What? Why? What love is this?
This place we live in is soo big yet we can't see past the end of our noses sometimes...Who are we? Who are you? Why do I get this feeling in me that I can't explain in words every time I look up at the stars? What is driving me to stay up at night and not think, but just wonder...This is worship...Sitting in wonder...Trying not to speak, but just listen in the vastness that surrounds us all...
Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have means nothing at all
Compared to your glory, Oh lord
How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelope me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please
My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak
I cry in your arms now
God grant me the strength to rest in you
I lift my hands and cry
::The Glorious Unseen::
::"Tonight The Stars Speak"::
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Pain and Blankets...
How do you combat evil when it hides itself in a sheet of pure white? Even when that sheet has visible stains on it...When someone is blinded by emotion and has allowed Satan to hold them fast, while Satan disguises himself in a blanket of lies...
Ever felt completely helpless? Like, truly helpless...To the point of knowing that if God doesn't show up, the whole thing is going to fall apart...Man it's a crazy place...
I have personally have been humbled...Thinking of myself is no option right now...Souls are at stake...
I know this post has mad no sense...So I will get to the end...
If you believe in it...I ask for prayer...Pray for a brother...He needs guidance and love...I will leave it at that...Pray however you wish from that...
Ever felt completely helpless? Like, truly helpless...To the point of knowing that if God doesn't show up, the whole thing is going to fall apart...Man it's a crazy place...
I have personally have been humbled...Thinking of myself is no option right now...Souls are at stake...
I know this post has mad no sense...So I will get to the end...
If you believe in it...I ask for prayer...Pray for a brother...He needs guidance and love...I will leave it at that...Pray however you wish from that...
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