Oak From Ash...

I literally am sitting here thinking about my life...Where I have come from and where I am now...I suppose self-reflection isn't the worst eh? :)

But jeez, to see the journey I call my life is both fulfilling and yet slightly painful; to see where I was an idiot, or immature, or missed opportunity, but still with God making all things work out for good no matter what...

I write quotes in the back of my Bible and as I looked through them this week I could remember almost every moment and where I was when I wrote them down...Some are from youth group in high school, some from service at church, some from reading a book, some from friends, and a few from sitting in silence with God and thoughts popping in my head...The impact these things have on me today is immense...I cannot discredit these statements and times in my life which have impacted me so...

I've also been looking back through my journal, which is also both an awesome and painful experience...Seeing how I have grown from the beginning of my journey with God when I was fifteen and now as a twenty-two year old about to graduate college in the spring, is humbling...I enjoyed seeing how early in my faith I truly had the faith of a child, with few complications and just a simple desire to seek God out, minus the frills, fluff, preaching, exegetical papers, and arguments from all sides on Truth...Not that those things are bad, but they are just things to have to weigh in with my faith that I didn't have to bother with at first...

Continuing to look back though, I am watching a boy become a man...Sure legally I am an adult, but I'm not so sure that legal right of passage has the depth of impact on teenagers today that we all hope it would...And of course, I am not saying I am much more mature than the next guy, especially my age (I'm in college for heaven's sake), but to able to see growth in my life in this way is huge for me...Weighing my "manliness" against the Scriptures and not the world was something I needed to learn how to do...

Growing up I didn't feel like I fit in most places, and frankly I was awkward as heck...I didn't have any friends really, save for my hockey team, but we only hung out during hockey things mostly...I entered a new high school after transferring from private to public and the awkwardness amplified...But, God decided that was the time to throw some friends into my life who would show me Him (God uses people to do His work and accomplish His will)...Once I found Him, I decided I was now to show Him to the world, with the passions He placed inside me, and I am still finding out what those truly are today; refining my view of them and growing in them...Frankly, even five years ago I would not have guessed the passions I have now were to be...

Who you are now is not who you were three years ago, and who you are now is not who you will be three years from now...We are constantly changing and molding, either to whom God wants us to be more of, or to whom the world wants us to be...There is no middle ground...

So as I sit down and listen to music that brings up memories of everything from high school friends to distinct moments with God, and look at my writings that bring up the same, I find joy, happiness, and passion...The story that is me is one I would not change at all...I may regret past mistakes, however, I would not know Grace like I do and I would not be who I am now without those very mistakes...And just the same, I am thankful for every positive experience that has shaped me...I think I would call this being ok with who I am...I know there will be days when I feel as if I don't like me at all, but when I brush the thick lies away from my face and scream back at the voices telling me I have no purpose, I find peace in God, and God alone...

No one else.
Nothing else.
Do you get that?

My life story was and is written by God.

This does not mean I must walk a thin line mapped out by Him or I fail...It means He simply wants me...Letting me follow Him with those passions he has given me, beginning with Jesus Christ giving me and you The Greatest Commandment:
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Love God.

Love People.

Ok.

Quit complicating it and trying to argue it away. You are ruining your life and others around you when you do.

Also, actually take some time, sit down, and check out your life story...See where you have come from and take a peek at how God has been apart of it, whether is was perfect or painful...


:Sinko:




SOME QUOTES FROM THE BACK OF MY BIBLE:

"If your conversion experience hasn't changed your life, then has it changed your eternal destiny?"

"Spiritual breakthrough cannot happen until we stop worshiping the God we want and start worshiping the God He really is."

"Even a dead fish can go with the stream."

"Growth requires change."

"Satan fears only the weakest saint on his knees."

"Sin will always sabatoge prayer. Prayer will always sabatoge sin."

"God is attracted to weakness."

"Sin is anything that deadens your love for God."

"What is it you're doing that without God it would absolutely fail?"

"THERE WILL BE NO COWARDS IN HEAVEN."

Psalm of A Bare-Naked Man...

First song I wrote in a long while...Cheesy sounding? Maybe...But I gave a shot at writing my own psalm...




PSALM OF A BARE-NAKED MAN

O Lord, as I look to the skies I can sense you here with me
I could not count the times I've allowed these fields to show your grace
Your stars tell tales of how you'll never fail; the night pours forth your praise
The heavens shout out, the angels scream out, "Holy is our God"

But forgive me God, for I reach out, I reach for what I hate
Wash me clean, have mercy on me, according to your great love

Create in me a purified heart; renew yourself in me
Cast me not away from this place you call your home
The depth of my being needs to come forth, so open up my soul
Wake me from my sleep and I will rise from this grave

Hallelujah to the King of Kings, the Lion inside my heart
Hallelujah to the King of Kings, the Lion inside my heart

Let this be a sweet, sweet sound

Bare-Naked Living...

Ever had an accountability partner? Or someone you told "everything" to?

I have had several, all close friends of mine and people who are still in my life today.

It's funny, accountability works very well, except when it becomes a social event...When all you do is get together and talk about the surface stuff of life...

Within my accountability partners, I have had these moments...Times where I say what they want to hear...Times when I basically leave out what really needs to be talked about...

For the longest time I almost didn't even realize I was doing it...Putting up barriers and walls so it become instinctual to block someone out...

Then one day a friend of mine grabbed a hold of me and but right through those walls and barriers...He called me out on them...Told me to stop coloring my wording and get right to the root of it...He reached in a grabbed my heart and twisted, whether I wanted him to or not; and that was the point...

Here I was thinking I was a pretty blunt guy, and I am, except for that last little part of me I wasn't letting anyone see...Things I had hidden and justified away...

I won't forget that day. Ever.

But I still have to check myself when I talk to others, or myself, about who I really am...Even when I journaled, I found myself writing in such a way to look better...Now when I journal I even have to check what I wrote and make sure I am honest with where I really am at, not where I think I want to be in that moment...And who reads my journal? No one but me...But if I am not honest with myself, then how can I be honest with another human, or even God?

The most hilarious part of life is when we try to present ourselves to God in a manner other than which is true in that moment...As if we will trick Him into thinking we are somewhere and someone we are not...I still try to do it sometimes though; I still try to tell God I am living for Him and doing things for Him when I really, truly, am not.

I would now like to tell you that I have found freedom in honesty...

When I stopped justifying my life for my close friends when they asked, and started conversations on walks with God on a cold, dark, starry night where I would just tell Him how I really felt, where I really was in my life and relationship with Him, even if it was absolute garbage, I felt more alive...

Of course I am more naked and vulnerable...But that's the point...

The more I am this way with my close friends, the more they are the same in return; hence our friendship progresses to a deeper level...The same applies with God...The more I am honest with Him, the more I can let Him in my life and let Him do work on and in me...And the more I feel like a child talking to someone he loves...

In short, I could not express to you how honest you must be in your life...I will not say you should tell the whole world your darkest secrets, because I believe those are reserved for a few of your closest friends and God...And when I say close friends, I mean people who care about your soul and love you no matter what...This is not a conditional love either...When I found these friends I hung onto them, and it was the best decision I have ever made for myself...Don't settle for a friend who doesn't give two cents about who you really are...You are better off without them...

...And be yourself.

If you don't know who you are, ask God. Ask a friend. Then see if the two answers line up.

And if you need a friend who knows you deeply (a biblical mandate), then pray for one, and get some courage and seek one out.

If you really wanted it, you would make the effort for it.

But be honest on whether you really want it or not.




"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load. Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor."
::Galatians 6:1-6::

We Are All Just Ragamuffins...

I have been chewing on this for a few days...

"Over the years, the growing consciousness of radical grace has wrought profound changes in my self-awareness. Justification by grace through faith means that I know myself accepted by God as I am. When my head is enlightened and my heart is pierced by this truth, I can accept myself as I am. Genuine self-acceptance is not derived from the power of positive thinking, mind-games, or pop psychology. It is an act of faith in the God of grace."

::THE RAGAMUFFIN GOSPEL::
::by: Brennan Manning::


...oh how I want to live every day of my life in this Truth...


...where do I obtain my self-acceptance?

Pick A Title...And Then Run Away...

I have these times, more often than sometimes sadly, where I feel out of reach...I think I have done something or gone somewhere where God can't follow me...Where I think I can't get back to Him for a little while...

How familiar is this for you: You "screw up" or sin in a "big" way, and then you feel ashamed and wait a few days or until you "feel better" about it to talk to God...

Well, it's familiar for me...And something I want no part of anymore...

I've messed up bigtime in my life...In ways very few, if any, of you know...Even after I found God in high school some of my old vices stayed with me and I did not trust God to deliver me through...I relied on the flesh and thought I could handle it...

This in turn has make me think a lot about grace in my life...I don't feel as if I should be coming to God with my crap sometimes...Like I have to follow a formula or be a better whatever before I can speak...But come on, we all know that is a lie ...For He is the author of our lives and is impossible to hide anything from...Satan will make you and I feel like we have no business with God over even the smallest thing...

But check out 1 Timothy 1:15-16

This is nothing most of us have not heard before...In our heads we know that Jesus Christ died so that we may live a crazy life...But do we believe it in our hearts? Do I truly let my head and heart knowledge connect?

See, there is no way Timothy didn't know what Paul was telling him here...Timothy, while young, was a leader in the church and knew that Christ died for sinners and rose from the dead, for that is the very foundation of Christianity...Paul didn't need to tell Timothy that...But he did...Why? It has to be important then...

See, Paul admits he is the worst of sinners, and he was, so to say...He killed people who died for Jesus, a man he would end up suffering for himself...But Paul recognizes the mercy he was shown in order for Christ Jesus to be displayed...Paul recognizes that he is but a mere tool used by God in this world to do His will, and he counts it as a huge privilege...

This "trustworthy saying" is the very hinge that Paul puts his life, and finds it important enough to state to someone who already knew it...

What do you already "know" that needs to be said and/or reiterated in your life? Do you need to be called out on sin that no one knows about? Do you need to sit and hear the gospel message again in order to find your roots again? Do you need to get away from people and sit in the middle of a field or on a hill watching the sunset and stars to remember that we are NOTHING, but God still chooses us and wants us...Maybe sit there and do nothing except silently worship while you stare millions of miles away...Or maybe just sit and listen...

See, Grace is something that is hard to grab...I think I need to earn my life...It's how I was brought up...But dang it man, it's free.

My times when I "feel-bad" and don't want to talk to God because I have "screwed-up big" are nothing for God to wash over...No way does this excuse me to abuse the grace again, but my pity feelings are such a slap in the face to God, so to say, that I may as well spit at the foot of the cross he was nailed to...

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.'"
2 Corinthians 12:9


So, I am weak. It is true. I have no power in my own self to withstand temptation.

But the same power that conquered the grave now lives in me.

And you too, if you have chosen to follow Jesus Christ until the day you die here.

There is NOTHING you can do to to get away from God.

NOTHING.

WE SEEM TO THINK THAT THIS ABUNDANT GRACE CANNOT WIPE AWAY OUR DARK SIN.

I don't care what you have done, who you hurt, and if God is the one you have hurt the most...His graceful love goes beyond what your human mind can hold onto...

Sorry you and I can't understand that fully.

You won't be able to.

So don't think you can.

Just accept it...Even if you hate free things, charity, or handouts.

Swallow your pride.

It's not worth keeping anyways.




"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience and an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."
1 Timothy 1:15-17

Forget About His Will For Your Life...

"I just wish I knew God's will for my life."

Hear these words before?

Speak these words before?

I have.

Here's the problem: as I search the Scriptures, I can find very few people who knew their life plan ahead of time in any amount of significance...

I wonder if maybe God doesn't care as much about His will for us as much as He cares about our hearts being abandoned to His Spirit...About us being open to hearing the Spirit and acting on it, rather than sitting in one spot, waiting for an epic voice from heaven to tell us our life plan, mapped out in front of our eyes...

Let me share my dream(s) with you. I would absolutely love, I mean absolutely love if I could be in a band with some guys, touring around, spreading the news of God in music scenes that do not hear about the love of Christ very often...I have a passion for it...I have a little God-given talent in it...But does God want me to do it?

Ah.

Here enlies a problem...with all of us...

We sit paralyzed in fear that we would make a mistake and accidentally miss God's exact plan for our lives and head down that "just not quite the will of God" road forever...So we sit and do not move...

But have you thought about the next twenty minutes? And what God wants you to do in that time? See, it seems safer for us to commit to God SOMEDAY instead of TODAY.

Living for God out of fear of disappointing Him or missing the mark is way off...Yes we should fear God in reverence, but we should not fear that we will let him down with our decisions in life...We are going to anyways...We are human...Living in fear of failure is the quickest path to uselessness...

Uselessness in the sense that people create their own plan, then ask God to join them on it...As if God is their puppet and "feel-good" button...No one in Scripture who is a great person in the Bible lived a safe life that required little faith and trust in God to work in crazy situations...

See, we are never promised a certain plan of action for so many years...But we are promised to never be forsaken or left by God...

Instead of searching for the will, we need to be searching for the Spirit.

Once again, my DREAM right now, is to take music and do something crazy with it and see God move through it...To write and "perform" only to show people there is someone greater behind it all...To hold a microphone and/or guitar and jump and scream around whatever stage area exists for that night...Is this passion and dream something God instilled in me? Or did I create it out of my fleshly desire?

But at what point does God stop caring about what you are doing as long as you are doing it completely for Him?

Don't get me wrong, I believe God has things he has ordained for us, He says so in Scripture...But He never promises to reveal them all at once, in advance...

Yes, trust is hard. Yes, patience is not easy to obtain all the time.

But you show me an example where God has let someone down in an eternal way, and I will say that trusting God is not worth it...

Until then, I will continue to chew on this "will" thing...



"Jesus Christ did not die in order to follow us. He died and rose again so that we could forget everything else and follow Him to the cross, to eternal life."
-"FORGOTTEN GOD" by: Francis Chan

Wake Up The Sun...

It's like screaming your head off and no one can hear...

Actually, that's exactly what it is.

I can see the potential inside of me, but I can't get it to come out all the time...And then I wrestle with wondering if my vision of me is even close to God's vision of me...Obviously I can never see the full potential of what God wants me to be, nor would I ever know one hundred percent if I was there, but man alive do I want to live for more than I am sometimes...

I can feel something inside me that can change the world for Christ...Not in a selfish way, but under the grace and mercy of God, provided he chooses to use me in whatever endeavor I partake in...And what an honor it is to be used by God, for anything, big or small...

But do you get what I am saying? I've said it before...I want so badly to do something that is destined to fail unless God intervenes...

Sadly, I am not willing to be patient enough sometimes...I am not willing to be disciplined enough...I am not willing to quiet myself and listen...I am not willing to pour into His word to find my place in this grand scheme of life...

What a wretch I am.

But He saved this wretch.

He still wants me to do His work.

He still wants me to carry Him inside me.

But more importantly, He simply wants me to love Him, and love others.

See, I get ahead of myself...I want to do the "cool" "fun" work, without doing the "harder" more "disciplined" work...I want to have my cake and eat it too...

Yes He has grace and forgives me, but that gives me no excuse to sit and do nothing, expecting to be used for great things when I am not as willing as I say I am...

However, this does not change the fact there is a passion inside of me, and maybe you, to change the world...And by world, that could mean anything from the smallest of families to the largest of countries and continents...We could live our entire lives and never see the fruits of our labor...But would it still be worth it?

Of course.

There is no question.

But now we must wake up.

We must not sit down and be idle any longer.

I cannot sit down and be idle any longer.

We must rise from the dead.

I SIMPLY WANT TO BE ALIVE.



"Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."
Ephesians 5:14

The Summer Continues...

Finally.

I feel like I am progressing and growing.

Not that I hadn't before, I think we grow everyday...I really do...But I have this problem with believing that I am moving in forward motion in my life sometimes...I tend to feel as if I am failing at something or I am failing to be someone...

I am my own worst enemy...Whether it is myself or Satan telling me that I am not good enough for what I do, I listen more than I should...

This summer though, has taught me a lot about myself, and how to lead and communicate...See, my normal means of communication are not the most effective all the time, and especially in the position of leadership I am in this summer...Different people means different personalities, and some of those personalities are different than what I normally have this close to me...

But let me say that it is not easy to adapt/change/switch/think differently...When I have those miscommunications or read a situation in a way it was not meant to be read, I get discouraged and think I am failing...Not true though...

I am a point where I have realized that all the hard times and all the times where I feel as if I am not doing well are times where I grow and learn the most, and where God gets to be involved even more...

Of course God should be involved in every second of my life...But sometimes I don't let him in, or I take charge for awhile and think I know what is best...

But my track record when I take charge of my life and end up successful turns out to be a big zero.

See, my lack of confidence in myself does NOT come from God...That would be against His nature...There is no way God wants to make me feel like an ant...I feel like that already when I look at the stars...He wants me to recognize my weakness though, and let him become the strength in that...

I know I will continue to be pushed and stretched as the summer progresses...I know I will have hard days, and days where I feel ineffective...But I know I will also have days where I feel on top of the world and like I am right where God wants me...

Either way, God is in control...

Whether you believe it or not.



"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:10

He Must Believe And Not Doubt...

My first week of my summer job is done...Six or so more weeks to go...Our first camp was a great time...We met some amazing people, lead worship for the whole camp, and hung out with a ton of kids...Once again I found myself looking around and going, "I'm getting paid to do this?" It's great :)

My last post was on how I wondered if I was going to lead well, and if I was going to lead in a Godly way and be a Godly example for everyone...Even just a week into this, I have a better perspective on it...While I still wonder if I am leading my team in the best way possible sometimes, and I still wonder if I am serving God with my whole heart, I take comfort in the fact that it's ok to not know everything before God...It would take out the entire awe of being a created being if I knew...

This past week I was asking myself how I was going to lead this team I have been placed in charge of, and it just so happens I was in James...I made in 5 verses in and God decided to show me how that was to happen...James 1: 5-8 is what is hitting me over the head this week...

I am told that if I would like to know how best to lead this team, than I am to stop stressing out about it and ask God for the wisdom to do that very thing...

Oh.

And...

I am told that if I truly desire that wisdom, when I ask I cannot do it halfheartedly...If I really don't believe what I am saying, than I am not who I say I am...I blown around by life's circumstances and I double-minded and unstable in everything I do...

Well...

I suppose that simplifies it a bit...

Give it to God. Ask him for wisdom on the situation. Believe what I say.

Well then Jake...How much do you trust God to come through when you ask for it? Enough to feel good about yourself? Or enough to feel like you have no control and God is going to have to show up?

I would love to live the latter out...



"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."
James 1:5-8

A Continuing Journey of Passionate Passions...

Tomorrow I start my summer job.

I get to lead a team around the Midwest with seven other people and lead worship at youth camps for eight weeks.

I get to help be a counselor at some of these camps.

I get paid to do it.

What a deal.


Another journey begins in my life tomorrow, and yet I feel as if I am unprepared and definitely not qualified for what I am doing...

Maybe that's why I'm doing it.


And while a new journey does begin, it also is about to merge with the main journey of my life, meeting at the complex, yet simple intersection where hundreds of other roads collide and mesh to create the walking, breathing, living human being called Me...

It has taken me many years, and many hits upside the head to realize how much my life is a product of a grace-filled plan, and I am able to see how it is filled with my passions, my loves, and my gifts...What a privilege and humbling experience to be able to serve God in the areas I love...

I am fully aware that I am passionate about my passions because I was designed to be, but nonetheless it is an amazing thing I am able to be in that weave of loves...Especially over these next eight weeks, as I will combine many of those passions: Music, Youth, Ministry, Counseling, Camping, Outdoors, People, Sports, Mentoring, Acting Stupid, Acting Crazy, Worshiping Through Music, Jumping Off Things, Flipping Off Things, Laughing, Sleeping, Yelling, Singing, Teaching, Socializing, Meeting New People, Stargazing, Serving, Dying To Self...

Get the picture? See the intersection forming?

How a kid who can't sing well, is mediocre at guitar, has self-confidence issues, and has trouble keeping his voice below one hundred decibels :)...is called to do what I am doing this summer, is flat-out amazing from my perspective...
I do not state this for desires of sympathy and/or affirmation...That is the furthest from my intent...I say state this to put, at the forefront of this, a statement which shows God having to show up or the whole thing will fail...For the last few years of my life, I have wanted to do nothing more than something that was destined to fail unless God showed up...Of course, this does not excuse me from putting my full effort into the matter, and definitely does not excuse me from using my brain to make decisions...But it also does not excuse me if I try to do it on my own...

Thank God.

If but one human life is changed this summer, then I call it a success...

And why not.

Jesus cared for nothing more than each broken, frail life he encountered while he was on earth, and every other life that has ever been, and ever will be...





"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13
(My life verse)

Wretched? Useable? Fruitful?

For the last four years of my life, I have been a youth leader at my old youth group...I started with the teens when they were freshmen in high school, while I was only a freshmen in college, following them throughout high school...When I was a junior I took over specifically as the boys small group leader, which for me meant I could finally talk about guys stuff around them without worrying about girls hearing anything :)

That was the preface...

Tonight we had senior night, and all of them graduated from youth group...So I was able to say goodbye to them in the small group capacity in front of all their parents and some church members who attended the banquet we had...

I'm twenty-one years old...I was in charge of some spiritual development of boys who are barely four years younger than me...What a daunting task now that I look back on it...

Tonight all the seniors were able to share something about their experience with the youth group and thank people who helped them on the journey...It was really great to hear how all of them have grown and matured...

When my guys were sharing though, they singled me out...They told me that I influenced them...That I was a consistent person in their inconsistent lives...That I meant something to them...

It was as if four years of investment came to a single point in time in the cosmos and suddenly I realized that I did matter more than I thought...Now, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God doesn't need me, not at all...But tonight I saw how He used me...Not only for a single event for short time...But in many lives for a LIFETIME...

I heard their testimony for evidence, which is indisputable...Nothing can change what they or I experienced...

My thoughts are all over the place, which I apologize for...But what I want you to be able to see, is that you really do matter...

I stood there listening to people say that my life was intertwined with theirs for the rest of eternity...

That's all I need to hear...

Now, I don't presume to say that I am some amazing awesome teacher/leader/mentor...I honestly could give a laundry list of reasons of how I failed those guys...But that's not what they talked about...And that's not what God talks about...

What I do presume to say though, is that I matter in the kingdom of God on this earth...And so do you...If God can use a wretched, screw-up, idiot like me to affect a handful of teenage guys for the rest of their lives, then, my friend, you are used as well...Even when you don't think you are worth the dirt under your feet...

So wake up...And realize you are important in someone else's life/lives.

It is formally the end of my journey with these boys...

But don't think I won't visit them at college and crash in their dorm rooms, letting them know that their life is more to me than a program title at a church...





"Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them."
Matthew 7:20

We're So Far Away...

It's simple really...


We fall down.

He picks us up.









Stop complicating it.





"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
Ephesians 2:4-10

My Life at Four in the Morning...

"WAKE UP O SLEEPER. RISE FROM THE DEAD."

...Those words haven't left me for two months, when I first REALLY read them...And how have I adhered to them? In my eyes, terribly...Still though, I feel like taking over the world when I read them...The problem enlies with the action to back up the emotion...

It's three-thirty in the morning...I'm in my dark dorm room...My roommate is sleeping, (or at least close to)...And I'm left wondering how I have let myself get to the point I am at...

Maybe I'm too hard on myself...Maybe I don't let God's grace cover me enough...Maybe having an earthly father who doesn't say "I LOVE YOU" has affected me in some area of my life...Maybe I see every flaw in my life and focus on it until I dislike myself...

Well shoot, that doesn't make any sense...If I focus on the problem, then it's like driving a car...If you focus on the ditch on the side of the road, your car will end up in the ditch...

Well...How many times has my car gone into the ditch?


A few weeks back my buddy Brad and I spoke at a youth weekend thing in northern Michigan...I decided to start the weekend off by telling the story of Job and how Job thought he knew what was best...

See, all this crap happened to Job that I'm not sure we could all handle...So he questions God's motives and asks where God is at...He doesn't renounce God, only questions Him...So then chapter 38 comes, where God replies to Job's questioning...In short, God calls Job out, asking...

"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you, and you shall answer me.
Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone- while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb,
When I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness,
When I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place?"


Wow...And there is another three chapters of God replying...Calling Job out...Questioning what ground Job has to stand on to question God...

Here's what I'm getting at...

God doesn't need us.

But He wants us.

But wait...I've screwed up hardcore this month...this week...this day...My confidence is the size of a peanut...I'm not worth using for anything meaningful...I can't even call my sisters once a week to tell them that they are worth much more than this world tells them...I can't even stop my struggle with lustful thoughts...Why in this world would I be used by God?

Oh wait...because 2 Corinthians says: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG."


Well crap...

Looks like God uses broken, defiled, small, weak people for His glory...


GOOD THING HIS GLORY IS THE GOAL.


Adieu.

Bí Thusa 'mo Shúile

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Glorious....

It's those nights...The ones where you can feel the air on your tongue...Feel it fill your nose when you breathe in...The thick night air...Then you look up and get lost...Lost in world you will never understand...Lost in a world that was created before you were even thought of by any human being...Each star seems to be there just for you...In that second, you feel a thousand different emotions and suddenly realize that there is more to life that you will never figure out, and you're ok with that...

You just want that moment.

In that moment, that brief window of time, God lives.

Don't worry about tomorrow.

You might miss what He just did.


I want to stand under the sky forever...But, I have responsibilities and obligations...I have a college degree to obtain...family to invest in...weddings to be in and help with...friends to share life with...

All of these are good things of course, but my boy-like nature just wants to stand in awe for awhile...

What is the balance between growing up and having faith like a child? I'm 21...I have no idea... I'm on my way to figuring it out more though...Everyday...

The journey is it...The people you meet along the way...The ones who attach themselves you your life as you cling to theirs...

Stop looking to the next thing.

Realize what you have in the here and now.

This very moment is sacred.

So stop and look up at night.

I don't care if you don't feel these emotions often.

It's time to start.



"Awe is a way of being in rapport with the mystery of all reality. The awe that we sense or ought to sense when standing in the presence of a human being is a moment of intuition for the likeness of God which is concealed in his or her essence. Not only persons; even inanimate things stand in a relation to the Creator. The secret of every being is the divine care and concern that are invested in it. Something sacred is at stake in every moment."
--Abraham Joshua Heschel




::::
I can feel the way you are and I want more
Like a warm summer rain or the quiet after a storm
Rain down on me your glory, Lord
Let my heart know the wonders of your ways
Cause I remember being lost and alone
But before you know, I find myself with hope
Hope to dream of endless fields
With waves of green and be taken away
I'm taken away with you

As I look up at the sky on this glorious night
I can sense you here with me
Oh, I couldn't count the times I've allowed this sky
To remind me that you are glorious
God, you are glorious
It seems every single day I'm amazed
At the way this world reveals your love
I couldn't ever find the words
To explain the ways in which you are glorious
God, you are glorious

::Ever Stays Red::
::"Glorious"::

Help! The Arm Of The Mighty

Sing with me tonight
Let's tear open the skies and leave it all behind by singing this tonight
I would never leave you for a chance, for a moment
I would never leave you for a chance, in this lifetime
So leave it all behind...leave it all behind

::Life In Your Way::

Post Number One Hundred...

My 100th post of my life on this blog...Wow...It's been awhile...Awhile since I last posted...And while since I started this shenanigan I call a blog...

Way back in 2006, my graduating year from high school, and my first year at community college, I decided to copy my good friend Jeremy, who started a blog when he went to Africa.

I had no idea what I was doing...I would just write whatever I thought was genius at the time, or copy other people's genius and call it my own...Most of this writing, then and now, took place after midnight (which is the time I say I think best) Ha...I look back now and see that some of what I wrote was really just plain dumb and not worth reading... :)

But throughout these years, I have developed something that I love to do...Something that sits in the very pages of my own journal and in the corners of my heart...My thoughts are mine, and hopefully God-inspired a lot of the time (and inspired with whatever music I listen to while I'm blogging, currently my musical choice is Sigur Rós), and I always hope to at least provoke one thought/idea/contemplation in one person's mind.

I never really knew how many people read this blog...I never wrote it for them anyways...But along the way God has brought some great people into this journey through my blog, even ones from around the world...One of the coolest being my friend Carly Dudley in Australia, whom I hope to visit someday...She started a blog called To Write Their Names In The Sand in honor of her stillborn son, Christian, and God has taken that blog and used it in more ways than I have ever seen anything else be used in my entire life...So many women and parents have been able to find support in the wake of their infant's death/stillbirth/miscarriage...Truly, this is and continues to be an insanely blessed thing...

I always wonder if I have been able to bless anyone with my words (hopefully the God-inspired ones)...Whether I have or not is not my concern though, although being used by God and being aware of it at the time is such a freakin' amazing thing to encounter...

I have thought about quitting blogging, especially on a note such as this, but then I slapped myself...I enjoy this. It helps me process what the crap goes on in my head. God gets the glory. I know at least one person in the world has been helped my at least one thing I have said. I simply love to write (sometimes I think i should have been an English major). I honestly don't care if another soul reads this (but it would be cool :)

Tonight I took a walk down the road and into the park by my college. To contemplate life. To talk to God. To listen. To think about how the last month of my life has been crazy and almost as life changing as when I began to follow Christ in the middle of high school. To think about how broken, feeble, and frail I am...Yet for reasons unbeknownst to be, I have been given the ability to be in a place I love and be myself, while influencing people around me...My family hopefully has seen something that is worth going after...I know that one of my sisters recently has...

All this to say, thanks if you read this...If you read it on facebook, go to my actual site and check out some of the links I have to other people's/organization's blogs and websites...These people are God-gifted with plenty to say and plenty of action to back up what is coming out of their mouths...

Adieu.

"Tell God you are ready to be offered, and God will prove Himself to be all you ever dreamed He would be."
-Oswald Chambers




"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me."
Philippians 2:14-18

Molding...

We feel the need to define ourselves in life...By what we wear, by who we know, by what title we have...Our need to feel better about ourselves seems to override the truth about ourselves...A snowball effect then occurs...Maybe we don't realize it, maybe we don't see it, but in time our life becomes more about outside forces than internal ones...Our gratification comes from seeing physically instead of seeing with our hearts...

But what happens when we no longer have those clothes, friends, or positions? What happens when what we are defined by is gone? Does a swift wind blow and knock us over? Do we have enough resolve and character backing these things up to be able to stand when we are all alone? When no one can see?

Do people truly see who we are?

When all is stripped away, and you no longer have what you thought you had...And you no longer can be who you thought you wanted to be...When you are put down a path where you had to mature and be honest about where you stood in this expanse of a universe we live in...Will you accept the opportunity to grow, even when it looks nothing like that? Will you become stronger in the ideals you stood for?

Will you be open to how God is going to mold you, even when you don't like it?





"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God."
Romans 8:18-21

"The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out."
Proverbs 10:9