So here is the email I sent my mom as I am sitting in an internet place in Phnom Penh, Cambodia...
Hey mom! I'm sitting here in some hole in the wall internet cafe shop thing on the busiet streets I have ever seen in my life....I don't have my cable to upload photos or I would show you some of the stuff I have seen so far...It's still surreal for me...We got here safe and I decided 20 hours of traveling kinda sucks...But I did sleep more than I was awake on the plane...I would have called right now too, except I am 12 hours ahead and it's 5 am there...So maybe next time I will call, but that won't be for awhile...And sending a postcard home is almost pointless because by the time you get it I will be almost home, so I may just hold off on that stuff because internet is cheaper...
So far we have seen major parts of Phnom Penh and been to a majpr Buddhist Temple, eaten lunch in a cafe where I had some awesome burrito thing, and I have shopped in on of the major markets in the city, which was crazy busy...Since I didn't bring enough dress shirts I bought two name brand shirts here for half of what it would have cost me back home...But the traffic on the streets is nuts...Abosolutely no order but somehow there still is some messy organization to it...Our bus driver is awesome...
We have this dude named Issac who's affiliated with the local church here and he is showing us around the city and he's hilarious...Doesn't speak English the best, but that's what makes it funnier...I'm staying a room with the other two college guys on the trip and it really isn't too bad...We have air conditioning that works pretty well and a couple of lizards in our room keeping the bugs away...Not kidding...But they are harmless...No worries...
Kinda weird with all the Buddhism around though...A lot of people bringing offerings to all sorts of houses and idols and such...Something like 97% of the country is Buddhist, but I just haven't been exposed to it like this before...Around the temple was cool because there were monkeys just playing around in the trees and stuff
So all of this is random stuff, but there is my first day so far and I think we will get to write again by the weekend or so...Remeber, no news is good news, so don't fret if you don't hear from me...I'm taking my meds and stuff and so far am fine...Forward this email to everyone who's interested and please pray for all of us and especially me, that God changes my heart while I am here and that He rocks my world over these 23 days...
Ok, I'm out...Time to go get dinner...
-Jake :)
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Cambodia...
So, I leave tomorrow (Sunday) for Cambodia for a school cross cultural trip...Actually, I leave on Monday but we are staying the night in Chicago because we take off from O' Hare Airport on Monday morning...There are 14 of us going, counting the two instructors....
I have no clue what is going to happen or what I am really getting myself into...I have never left the country in my life, not even to Canada...Weird considering I have played hockey my whole life...But anyways, This is a huge step for me...I know God is gonna rock my world over there and I know that this will be a solid point in my life that defines who I am...So I ask for prayer, which I hate doing, but I know that we are all here as a body to be there for each other...I ask that you pray that we are safe traveling, that we are safe from the different diseases that are over there, and that we just let ourselves be there and be fully into what we are doing in every moment...There's this quote and I can't remember who it's from, but it says that, "Something sacred is at stake at every moment..." I want that to be truer than ever in Cambodia...
If I can manage it, I will try to blog when I am over there and update you on some stuff, but I'm not sure how the internet situation looks...So, if you don't hear from me withing the next 30 days, I will let you know how it was when I return on January 21-22...
Peace.
-Sinko
I have no clue what is going to happen or what I am really getting myself into...I have never left the country in my life, not even to Canada...Weird considering I have played hockey my whole life...But anyways, This is a huge step for me...I know God is gonna rock my world over there and I know that this will be a solid point in my life that defines who I am...So I ask for prayer, which I hate doing, but I know that we are all here as a body to be there for each other...I ask that you pray that we are safe traveling, that we are safe from the different diseases that are over there, and that we just let ourselves be there and be fully into what we are doing in every moment...There's this quote and I can't remember who it's from, but it says that, "Something sacred is at stake at every moment..." I want that to be truer than ever in Cambodia...
If I can manage it, I will try to blog when I am over there and update you on some stuff, but I'm not sure how the internet situation looks...So, if you don't hear from me withing the next 30 days, I will let you know how it was when I return on January 21-22...
Peace.
-Sinko
Thursday, December 25, 2008
A Man of God...
Where do I start...
There is this man who was a big part of my journey into becoming who I am now...He invested a ton of time in me and sat and listened to me and my stupidity every week for who knows how long...He has a daughter whom I consider to be one of my best girlfriends ever...His name is Randy Shafer and he is the man...The only bad news I bear on this is that he passed away on December 22...3 days ago...It was expected for the most part...he had been struggling with Stage 3 Melanoma cancer and it got really bad in the last few weeks...But it still doesn't take away the pain and sting that comes from losing someone close to you...I have never had anyone die who I was this close to before...I'm kind of numb to it and don't know what to think all the time...And if I feel like this, then his kids (Emma, Ian, and Jenn) and wife (Beth) are feeling it x10...They have gone through so much seeing him in pain and suffer throughout the last year or so...I mean, to think of my dad or mom dying right now is straight up frightening and weird...I have to tell you though, God is God in this...God is so present in this it's insane...Kind of weird to hear that kind of positive talk when someone dies eh? I don't care what you think, first off, Randy was one of the most Godly men I have ever met in my entire life...He radiated Jesus through his pores...There was no way anyone could know him even a little and not be in tune to how much he loved God...He is such an encouragement for me to be like that...What is also awesome is how Jenn has handled it, just because I am closer to her than the other siblings and so I know more about how she is doing...Watching how she has handled it has brought me to a better understanding of what it means to lean on God...She is a monstrous encouragement in my life...Here is a note she wrote...
I wanted you all to know that our sweet daddy, Randy Shafer, passed away last night (Dec 22). He’s dancing and laughing in heaven now....no more struggle. Thank you so much for all your thoughts and prayers throughout all this. As my mom said, “This has had a strange beauty, and we are in awe of what God can do.”
My family and I are so peaceful, but it all seems very surreal at the moment. We’re celebrating his life on Saturday, December 27th at 3 p.m. at Westwinds Community Church. (And it REALLY is going to be a celebration!) There will be a visitation on Friday, December 26th also at Westwinds. Because of the holidays, weather, etc., the service will also be livestreamed on the web at 3 p.m. on the 27th at www.westwinds.org
Here’s a link to his obituary, which gives directions to Westwinds and a little more info. It should be updated soon.
http://obits.mlive.com/Jackson/DeathNotices.asp
So.....YEAH.......
I'm numb.
I’m wrestling with God.
I don't understand.
I have so many questions.
My heart is breaking.
But still, God is showing up every step of the way....Just a few moments ago we looked out our front window to see a huge group of people with candles praying outside our house in the freezing cold and snow! I could go on with stories from these past weeks, but it wouldn’t do them justice. Like I said before, ask me about them, and I would love to tell you with tears of joy in my eyes.
I am left with no doubt in my mind that there is a powerful God who loves people passionately.... who fills you when you’re empty.... who carries you when have no strength to stand.... who is your father when you’re fatherless.....
......And that my dad is sitting in His lap right now as I type.
I love you, daddy. My words and tears will never be enough. Your eyes will forever twinkle in my mind and heart. Your gentle voice and arms will cradle me to sleep. I am so proud to have been your daughter, and I will brag about you until the day I die!!! But most of all, I will live my life for Jesus. Because through you, He has instilled A RAGING FIRE IN ME THAT CANNOT BURN OUT.......
Jenn ;)
this is the link to my dad's blog if you feel like an amazing read:
http://fogparty.blogs.com/
I really can't think of much more to say right now...All I ask is that if you believe in prayer that you do just that for Beth, Jenn, Ian, and Emma....They need strength from God now...And thanks for reading this long one...
::Sinko::
There is this man who was a big part of my journey into becoming who I am now...He invested a ton of time in me and sat and listened to me and my stupidity every week for who knows how long...He has a daughter whom I consider to be one of my best girlfriends ever...His name is Randy Shafer and he is the man...The only bad news I bear on this is that he passed away on December 22...3 days ago...It was expected for the most part...he had been struggling with Stage 3 Melanoma cancer and it got really bad in the last few weeks...But it still doesn't take away the pain and sting that comes from losing someone close to you...I have never had anyone die who I was this close to before...I'm kind of numb to it and don't know what to think all the time...And if I feel like this, then his kids (Emma, Ian, and Jenn) and wife (Beth) are feeling it x10...They have gone through so much seeing him in pain and suffer throughout the last year or so...I mean, to think of my dad or mom dying right now is straight up frightening and weird...I have to tell you though, God is God in this...God is so present in this it's insane...Kind of weird to hear that kind of positive talk when someone dies eh? I don't care what you think, first off, Randy was one of the most Godly men I have ever met in my entire life...He radiated Jesus through his pores...There was no way anyone could know him even a little and not be in tune to how much he loved God...He is such an encouragement for me to be like that...What is also awesome is how Jenn has handled it, just because I am closer to her than the other siblings and so I know more about how she is doing...Watching how she has handled it has brought me to a better understanding of what it means to lean on God...She is a monstrous encouragement in my life...Here is a note she wrote...
I wanted you all to know that our sweet daddy, Randy Shafer, passed away last night (Dec 22). He’s dancing and laughing in heaven now....no more struggle. Thank you so much for all your thoughts and prayers throughout all this. As my mom said, “This has had a strange beauty, and we are in awe of what God can do.”
My family and I are so peaceful, but it all seems very surreal at the moment. We’re celebrating his life on Saturday, December 27th at 3 p.m. at Westwinds Community Church. (And it REALLY is going to be a celebration!) There will be a visitation on Friday, December 26th also at Westwinds. Because of the holidays, weather, etc., the service will also be livestreamed on the web at 3 p.m. on the 27th at www.westwinds.org
Here’s a link to his obituary, which gives directions to Westwinds and a little more info. It should be updated soon.
http://obits.mlive.com/Jackson/DeathNotices.asp
So.....YEAH.......
I'm numb.
I’m wrestling with God.
I don't understand.
I have so many questions.
My heart is breaking.
But still, God is showing up every step of the way....Just a few moments ago we looked out our front window to see a huge group of people with candles praying outside our house in the freezing cold and snow! I could go on with stories from these past weeks, but it wouldn’t do them justice. Like I said before, ask me about them, and I would love to tell you with tears of joy in my eyes.
I am left with no doubt in my mind that there is a powerful God who loves people passionately.... who fills you when you’re empty.... who carries you when have no strength to stand.... who is your father when you’re fatherless.....
......And that my dad is sitting in His lap right now as I type.
I love you, daddy. My words and tears will never be enough. Your eyes will forever twinkle in my mind and heart. Your gentle voice and arms will cradle me to sleep. I am so proud to have been your daughter, and I will brag about you until the day I die!!! But most of all, I will live my life for Jesus. Because through you, He has instilled A RAGING FIRE IN ME THAT CANNOT BURN OUT.......
Jenn ;)
this is the link to my dad's blog if you feel like an amazing read:
http://fogparty.blogs.com/
I really can't think of much more to say right now...All I ask is that if you believe in prayer that you do just that for Beth, Jenn, Ian, and Emma....They need strength from God now...And thanks for reading this long one...
::Sinko::
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Tonight The Stars Speak...
Holy mother it's been a bit...So sorry....School got nuts with exams and such at the last few weeks...But I am now done with my first semester this year...I could have done better with my grades, but I dug my own hole on that one...
This weeekend I went with some of my best friends to a lake house in Indiana...We had a good time hanging out, but the coolest things that happened was the couple conversations we had throughout the weekend...We just talked about everything and anything...I'm pretty sure we discussed every major problem in the church and what can be done to help it...We also talked a lot about our generation, like birth years 1985-1989ish I think, and how we have so much potential for real change in the world...Like, this wasn't just another pump up talk or speech either...We realize that the generation before us didn't care a lot of anyone but themselves, and the generation after us is too addicted to technology to get outside of the front of a screen to want to do anything...I know this is me for sure...I know I want to do something insane for God in this world...It's freaking possible...There are so many opportunities and places in this world and I have too much dang desire to do something insane for God...There is sooo much freaking power in just trusting God to work in you without reserve...He is too big for us to contain in our bodies...There is no end to it...I have no clue what I am supposed to specifically be doing with my life really...I know what I am gifted in and equipped for, but I really don't care what exactly I do...I know that whatever I am doing and wherever I am, God is gonna do something nuts with me...I just hope I stay as open to it throughout my life...
P.S....If you have never heard of a band called the Glorious Unseen you need to check them out or I will personally cut off your ears with shears :) This song sends me into a state of worship and serenity I didn't know existed...
Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have means nothing at all
Compared to your glory, Oh lord
How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelope me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please
My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak
I cry in your arms now
God grant me the strength to rest in you
I lift my hands and cry
::The Glorious Unseen::
::"Tonight The Stars Speak"::
This weeekend I went with some of my best friends to a lake house in Indiana...We had a good time hanging out, but the coolest things that happened was the couple conversations we had throughout the weekend...We just talked about everything and anything...I'm pretty sure we discussed every major problem in the church and what can be done to help it...We also talked a lot about our generation, like birth years 1985-1989ish I think, and how we have so much potential for real change in the world...Like, this wasn't just another pump up talk or speech either...We realize that the generation before us didn't care a lot of anyone but themselves, and the generation after us is too addicted to technology to get outside of the front of a screen to want to do anything...I know this is me for sure...I know I want to do something insane for God in this world...It's freaking possible...There are so many opportunities and places in this world and I have too much dang desire to do something insane for God...There is sooo much freaking power in just trusting God to work in you without reserve...He is too big for us to contain in our bodies...There is no end to it...I have no clue what I am supposed to specifically be doing with my life really...I know what I am gifted in and equipped for, but I really don't care what exactly I do...I know that whatever I am doing and wherever I am, God is gonna do something nuts with me...I just hope I stay as open to it throughout my life...
P.S....If you have never heard of a band called the Glorious Unseen you need to check them out or I will personally cut off your ears with shears :) This song sends me into a state of worship and serenity I didn't know existed...
Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have means nothing at all
Compared to your glory, Oh lord
How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelope me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please
My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak
I cry in your arms now
God grant me the strength to rest in you
I lift my hands and cry
::The Glorious Unseen::
::"Tonight The Stars Speak"::
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Pray Without Ceasing...
Hey...It's been a spell...And I don't know what to write about...I just feel like I should write something..........
Throughout the last week or two I have been pretty overwhelmed...School and everything that goes with it takes my life up and leaves me no time for anything...Including, it seems, God...Not that I haven't had time for God, but I have just filled my day with all kinds of "good" stuff...It's not that anything is that bad, it's just that I need to keep it centered around God instead of steering my own path through the day...
My biggest revelation has come this week though...I was stressing about prayer and about how I have a HUGE list of people to pray for and I feel like if I don't pray nothing will get done and nothing will go right...And then the light bulb went on in my head and I realized that God is not going to alter his cosmic plan just because I forgot to pray for it...Now the danger with what I just said is that people will never pray because they think it doesn't matter and God will do His thing anyways...I have no real answer for that other than to say that we shouldn't be looking for how much we can get away with, rather we should ask how much can we do to get closer to God...
I used to think that if I couldn't pray for everything that I wouldn't pray for anything...Stupid...I would need an hour or more to get through everything and I can't find that kind of time in the day sometimes...My revelation is that even though I can't spend an hour or two silent with God (it would be nice if I could though) I can be in constant prayer throughout the day...My day doesn't hinge upon a quantity of spiritual time...I should be in constant prayer and awareness of God throughout the day, praying as things come to mind and worshiping as I walk...
There is nothing wrong with a devotional time...They are still important...I just need this too...
If anything I have said is off, theologically or spiritually, etc... let me know...I am still trying to figure this out as I go...
Throughout the last week or two I have been pretty overwhelmed...School and everything that goes with it takes my life up and leaves me no time for anything...Including, it seems, God...Not that I haven't had time for God, but I have just filled my day with all kinds of "good" stuff...It's not that anything is that bad, it's just that I need to keep it centered around God instead of steering my own path through the day...
My biggest revelation has come this week though...I was stressing about prayer and about how I have a HUGE list of people to pray for and I feel like if I don't pray nothing will get done and nothing will go right...And then the light bulb went on in my head and I realized that God is not going to alter his cosmic plan just because I forgot to pray for it...Now the danger with what I just said is that people will never pray because they think it doesn't matter and God will do His thing anyways...I have no real answer for that other than to say that we shouldn't be looking for how much we can get away with, rather we should ask how much can we do to get closer to God...
I used to think that if I couldn't pray for everything that I wouldn't pray for anything...Stupid...I would need an hour or more to get through everything and I can't find that kind of time in the day sometimes...My revelation is that even though I can't spend an hour or two silent with God (it would be nice if I could though) I can be in constant prayer throughout the day...My day doesn't hinge upon a quantity of spiritual time...I should be in constant prayer and awareness of God throughout the day, praying as things come to mind and worshiping as I walk...
There is nothing wrong with a devotional time...They are still important...I just need this too...
If anything I have said is off, theologically or spiritually, etc... let me know...I am still trying to figure this out as I go...
Monday, November 10, 2008
Fleeing From Sexual Immorality...
Here you go Jerm.... :)
So throughout this school year I have steered clear of something that has brought me down in the past...This thing has been the root of my downfall into a spiral of sin-repent-sin-repent...For some reason I just decided, before I went into training to be a resident assistant at school at the end of the summer, that I just didn't want to deal with pornography anymore, and everything that goes with it. I am a junior in college now, and have a real possibility of a serious relationship sometime in the next few years...I want to honor whoever that women is with every aspect of myself...After all, I want to date a girl so centered around Christ I fall in love with the Jesus inside her...Well, if I want that in her, I need to be the same...I want her to fall in love with the Jesus inside of me...
If you don't know me, I have had a perpetual struggle with porn since I was about 10-12...It is just my main struggle in life...I know it seems super bad or way worse than some things to a lot of people, but all sin is the same in God's eyes...My sin just happens to affect someone else, someone I may not even know yet...It kills me to know I will look whoever my girlfriend is someday in the eyes and tell her how I have sold myself for something short of her in the past...I could possibly have all that crap affecting how I look at her, not because I want to or because it is supposed to be like that, but because I made stupid choices in the past...
Now I know God is bigger than anything, ever...I know he can and is helping me overcome this...Maybe he can even take away how I have this past affecting me now with girls...I know I just need to keep my eyes on God and let the rest fall into place under His plan...
Since I haven't fallen into any physical sexual temptation in so long, I find that I can look at women in a cleaner way now...I can stare at them in the face without thinking twice and let them know I am interested in who they are, not what they are...My thought life is more pure...
In church today, Pastor Mark talked about how Joseph straight up fled from Potiphar's wife...He saw temptation and just fled, before he gave himself a chance to think twice...He has every reason to give in to her, but he didn't because he was conditioned to flee temptation...He didn't make excuses or try to justify all of her advances...All he knew was God as truth and answered her with, "How could I sin against God?"
Genesis 39
The way out is the presence of God...The way out is prayer...The opposite of addiction and sin is fullness...Fullness from God is the only thing that will make it full enough to leave no room for sin...
God has entrusted me with him, which means I have been entrusted with EVERYTHING...
If you know me, keep me accountable to this...I have come to far to fail and don't want to fall back to where I was for the last 10 years...It was hell at times...This one sin, with everything that goes with it, has single-handedly kept me farther from God than any other sin in my life...
Thanks for listening to all my random thoughts...Sorry if I am too open...
"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body."
1 Cor 6:18
"But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people."
Ephesians 5:3
"Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry."
Col 3:5
"It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality"
1 Thes 4:3
So throughout this school year I have steered clear of something that has brought me down in the past...This thing has been the root of my downfall into a spiral of sin-repent-sin-repent...For some reason I just decided, before I went into training to be a resident assistant at school at the end of the summer, that I just didn't want to deal with pornography anymore, and everything that goes with it. I am a junior in college now, and have a real possibility of a serious relationship sometime in the next few years...I want to honor whoever that women is with every aspect of myself...After all, I want to date a girl so centered around Christ I fall in love with the Jesus inside her...Well, if I want that in her, I need to be the same...I want her to fall in love with the Jesus inside of me...
If you don't know me, I have had a perpetual struggle with porn since I was about 10-12...It is just my main struggle in life...I know it seems super bad or way worse than some things to a lot of people, but all sin is the same in God's eyes...My sin just happens to affect someone else, someone I may not even know yet...It kills me to know I will look whoever my girlfriend is someday in the eyes and tell her how I have sold myself for something short of her in the past...I could possibly have all that crap affecting how I look at her, not because I want to or because it is supposed to be like that, but because I made stupid choices in the past...
Now I know God is bigger than anything, ever...I know he can and is helping me overcome this...Maybe he can even take away how I have this past affecting me now with girls...I know I just need to keep my eyes on God and let the rest fall into place under His plan...
Since I haven't fallen into any physical sexual temptation in so long, I find that I can look at women in a cleaner way now...I can stare at them in the face without thinking twice and let them know I am interested in who they are, not what they are...My thought life is more pure...
In church today, Pastor Mark talked about how Joseph straight up fled from Potiphar's wife...He saw temptation and just fled, before he gave himself a chance to think twice...He has every reason to give in to her, but he didn't because he was conditioned to flee temptation...He didn't make excuses or try to justify all of her advances...All he knew was God as truth and answered her with, "How could I sin against God?"
Genesis 39
The way out is the presence of God...The way out is prayer...The opposite of addiction and sin is fullness...Fullness from God is the only thing that will make it full enough to leave no room for sin...
God has entrusted me with him, which means I have been entrusted with EVERYTHING...
If you know me, keep me accountable to this...I have come to far to fail and don't want to fall back to where I was for the last 10 years...It was hell at times...This one sin, with everything that goes with it, has single-handedly kept me farther from God than any other sin in my life...
Thanks for listening to all my random thoughts...Sorry if I am too open...
"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body."
1 Cor 6:18
"But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people."
Ephesians 5:3
"Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry."
Col 3:5
"It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality"
1 Thes 4:3
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Lord, Save Us From Your Followers...
So tonight was awesome...If you have ever heard of it, the film "Lord Save Us From Your Followers" was shown here at my school and we brought the filmmaker in with it for some Q & A...I'm telling you this film affirms me and brings me back into my mode where I think I can do crazy things for God and its ok...The documentary was pretty much challenging the way things had been done in the past or in large by the church in America today, led by the right wing evangelicals...The filmmaker, Dan Merchant went around just asking a lot of people what they thought of Christians and interviewed and featured a lot of cool things people around the country were doing for Christ, as well as showed the crap that gets represented by the church sometimes too...All the stuff people hate about the church and how it turns them off to Christianity...I don't do this thing justice by trying to explain it though...You have to watch it if you can get your hand on a copy...It's one of the best documentaries I have ever seen...
In recent times, I have really become fed up with the way the evangelical church is represented by and large here in the states...I do recognize though, that I came from the church and just ripping on it does nothing for the kingdom of God here on earth...Tony Campolo said something in the movie that struck me, "The church in America is a whore, but she is also my mother." Dead on. As screwed up as the church is, it still is God's people...I wouldn't ever leave it, after all, who is going to change it if everyone who wants the change leaves? But I have found something inside myself I lost...I used to be freaking nuts for God and had no problem thinking of doing crazy off-the-wall things that were destined to fail unless divinely intervened...I want to completely trust God first and let everything else pour out of that...I want to just put God in my sight and leave it there with nothing else on the horizon...I want to love people just because I love them...Out of God's love for me pours love for anyone, ANYONE...No matter where they are at, how poor or rich, what color they are, or how much patience they drive from my body...I want people to see my love and joy in life and attach it to God without question...This is definitely freaking hard, but sooo worth it...
"Hear O Israel, the Lord is out God, the Lord is One. Love the Lord your God will all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these."
Mark 12:29-31
Frick. It's so simple...How do I manage to complicate this? All I sincerely want in life is to love God and love people...It seems so weird to, but I need to ask God to help me love Him...Weird...And out of that I need to ask Him to help me see Him in everyone I see...That is by far going to be the hardest part...How did two commands given 2,000+ years ago by some Jewish carpenter get to be so hard, but yet at the same time bring the most satisfaction from life?
In recent times, I have really become fed up with the way the evangelical church is represented by and large here in the states...I do recognize though, that I came from the church and just ripping on it does nothing for the kingdom of God here on earth...Tony Campolo said something in the movie that struck me, "The church in America is a whore, but she is also my mother." Dead on. As screwed up as the church is, it still is God's people...I wouldn't ever leave it, after all, who is going to change it if everyone who wants the change leaves? But I have found something inside myself I lost...I used to be freaking nuts for God and had no problem thinking of doing crazy off-the-wall things that were destined to fail unless divinely intervened...I want to completely trust God first and let everything else pour out of that...I want to just put God in my sight and leave it there with nothing else on the horizon...I want to love people just because I love them...Out of God's love for me pours love for anyone, ANYONE...No matter where they are at, how poor or rich, what color they are, or how much patience they drive from my body...I want people to see my love and joy in life and attach it to God without question...This is definitely freaking hard, but sooo worth it...
"Hear O Israel, the Lord is out God, the Lord is One. Love the Lord your God will all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these."
Mark 12:29-31
Frick. It's so simple...How do I manage to complicate this? All I sincerely want in life is to love God and love people...It seems so weird to, but I need to ask God to help me love Him...Weird...And out of that I need to ask Him to help me see Him in everyone I see...That is by far going to be the hardest part...How did two commands given 2,000+ years ago by some Jewish carpenter get to be so hard, but yet at the same time bring the most satisfaction from life?
Friday, October 17, 2008
Redemption...
This isn't anything profound or whatnot, but it is a song that has been speaking to me for awhile now...It is for sure in my top 5 favorite songs of all time...This is a song called "Redemption" by the band August Burns Red...
I trust in you for life to live, and air to breath.
Purity fills my lungs.
I no longer live in solitude.
No longer bound.
My heart beats with great devotion.
This is the start to a new beginning.
On my knees praying for mercy.
Hands raised high, humble and broken. Wanting your grace.
Wanting your security.
Memories of laying facedown, motionless, with such a hollow feeling inside.
Soon I would end this life I was living.
I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands.
I am a fallen victim.
Lord, show me the way. I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way. Take me in your arms. Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.
Be my strength. Be my voice. Be my glory. Set me free.
:::August Burns Red:::
:::"Redemption":::
I trust in you for life to live, and air to breath.
Purity fills my lungs.
I no longer live in solitude.
No longer bound.
My heart beats with great devotion.
This is the start to a new beginning.
On my knees praying for mercy.
Hands raised high, humble and broken. Wanting your grace.
Wanting your security.
Memories of laying facedown, motionless, with such a hollow feeling inside.
Soon I would end this life I was living.
I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands.
I am a fallen victim.
Lord, show me the way. I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way. Take me in your arms. Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.
Be my strength. Be my voice. Be my glory. Set me free.
:::August Burns Red:::
:::"Redemption":::
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Prayer Life...
Yo...Welcome back to my life...The last week/two weeks has been alright...What's funny is, I am sitting here not exactly sure of what to write about...That's weird...Usually I can't shut up...Maybe that's part of the problem...Lately I have heard some things about prayer and how important it is to spiritual life...One of my professors says that you can tell, for the most part, the state of someone's spiritual life by their prayer life...I sat there and mulled over those words when he spoke them, realizing the lie I was living...I sometimes think I am doing well spiritually, but I have almost no prayer associated with it...I fill my life up with "Jesus Things" and put a label on it that says "Good Christian Work"...There are so many things I need to be in prayer for: The guys on my floor, my unsaved family, my best friends and the stuff in their lives, stuff in my own life...I think that God will just take care of stuff automatically, which can be true sometimes, but I also realize God is waiting for me to ask for stuff He has in store...He gives us free will, ergo He will not force us to do most things...
Then it hits me that prayer is a two way activity...I must listen as well as speak...James calls the tongue evil, and that's what I feel like mine has brought in on occasion...I have failed to just sit and bask in the presence of God waiting for Him to speak without my interference...And then I walk through my day not entirely positive if I am following his plan for the day...Now I know it isn't as simple as A-B-C...Like God has this perfect plan for the day and I have to follow it second by second, word for word...But I know I need to sit there the day before so I can walk the next day more open to little prods from God throughout the day...
I know He hasn't stopped doing amazing things with my life, they just seem a little farther away since my prayer life has slacked...I refuse to call that a coincidence...He wants to talk to us, just like a best friend you may have that you haven't seen in months...He wants to just be with us and help us along this journey called life...We can be in tune with him throughout the day while "Praying without ceasing", but we must also take that time where we just sit and meditate on God, The Word, And what our day was like...
This amazes me: After Jesus fed the five thousand, he retreated by himself to pray...Before he went into the desert for 40 days, he fasted and prayed...Get that? He got ready for something with prayer and fasting...What am I to do if I haven't prayed and such and something big comes along? Prayer should be a daily thing for the sake of daily stuff yes, but we also need to be in communication with God so we can better handle the crap that is coming our way...
I don't know if any of this fits or makes sense, but its what has jumped into my head...
Then it hits me that prayer is a two way activity...I must listen as well as speak...James calls the tongue evil, and that's what I feel like mine has brought in on occasion...I have failed to just sit and bask in the presence of God waiting for Him to speak without my interference...And then I walk through my day not entirely positive if I am following his plan for the day...Now I know it isn't as simple as A-B-C...Like God has this perfect plan for the day and I have to follow it second by second, word for word...But I know I need to sit there the day before so I can walk the next day more open to little prods from God throughout the day...
I know He hasn't stopped doing amazing things with my life, they just seem a little farther away since my prayer life has slacked...I refuse to call that a coincidence...He wants to talk to us, just like a best friend you may have that you haven't seen in months...He wants to just be with us and help us along this journey called life...We can be in tune with him throughout the day while "Praying without ceasing", but we must also take that time where we just sit and meditate on God, The Word, And what our day was like...
This amazes me: After Jesus fed the five thousand, he retreated by himself to pray...Before he went into the desert for 40 days, he fasted and prayed...Get that? He got ready for something with prayer and fasting...What am I to do if I haven't prayed and such and something big comes along? Prayer should be a daily thing for the sake of daily stuff yes, but we also need to be in communication with God so we can better handle the crap that is coming our way...
I don't know if any of this fits or makes sense, but its what has jumped into my head...
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Seek God First...
So, this year so far has definitely been way different than any of the past...I am basically in a full time leadership position, and it's considered a job by title...Of course I don't think of it like that, but I have never been paid to invest in lives before...It's kind of cool...Also something I have been realizing is that I have not been trusting God with my future like I thought...One of the areas revolves around girls...I have never dated as a Christian, and I really saw myself cruising through school single, which I have no problem with...My problem lies in the fact that I kept feeling this pressure by something, maybe campus, maybe the nice atmosphere, I can't quite put my finger on it...I kept feeling like I was supposed to be pursuing girls...Not saying that it is wrong to do so, but I was starting to lose my view of trusting in God for the future...I want so badly to have a God-centered relationship to the fullest that I am scared out of my mind to date...There are a few girls here on campus I would love to get to know better, because in no way do I know them well enough to think about dating them...But then I think about other areas...Am I to marry a girl from home? From high school? Someone I don't even know yet? I hate not knowing the future, yet I love the mystery...What I am realizing is that my problem lies in my lack of seeking God and nothing else...Matthew 6 tells to seek God first and all other things will fall into place...Where did I lose that mindset? So much pressure gets taken off that God did not intend me to have...I won't think the girl problem is such a big deal because God's plan is bigger than everything going on around me...I long to be in the middle of that plan, not just for the girl issue, but for everything else as well...This is weird...I haven't had the girl issue at the forefront like this for a long time...I haven't made a big deal about it before...Never was worried...Basically I want to flat out just seek God and not worry about anything else...I want my longing for God to radiate and attract anyone for anything...If I want to have a wife someday with these traits I admire, I better make dang sure I have them too...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
Why is it so hard to trust that?
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
Why is it so hard to trust that?
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Cruising Along...
So it's been a bit since I let you all know how things are going...I'm freaking loving my RA job here at school currently...I have a huge range of personalities and its totally cool...Every guy so far thinks I'm cool (Shh....Don't let them know the truth :) But it's just cool to have guys that hang and love being around you and each other...They are from all walks of faith too...I have some dudes who just don't give a rip about God...And I have a couple dudes who put my faith to shame...It's solid...From my "outside" perspective, I can see some of how God is working and moving and how his plan is...I can see why certain people maybe were put here on this floor and why certain roommates are paired...Now I obviously don't know everything going on in God's head, but it's just cool to see how God works and then responding to that...I will talk to dudes about their personal life, about their girlfriends back home...About what they want to be...About how they like this college...About the sport they play here...It's amazing to me how open people will get when you just make them feel comfortable where they are at...Maybe that is part of the problem with how we go about Christianity today, especially in America...We think we are going to bring someone into a church they have never been in and have been slightly scared of, and we think we can convert them in 5 minutes...A personal relationship with Jesus takes time to grow...You don't become the thirteenth disciple overnight...I think that is how we have to approach anyone at all...It's gonna take some freaking time to get close enough to someone so that you can share things about God that you really wanted them to know in the first twenty minutes you knew them...They weren't ready then and we just need to practice something that we all suck at: Patience...Waiting for God's will is probably one the crappiest most beautiful things ever... God's timing is perfect...We have to be able to see the spectrum of that and how we fit in the middle of the beginning and end...We need to realize that our timing here is a blip in the grand scheme...Investing a year or two, or more in someone's life with no strings attached is nothing compared to what the end result will be because of that investment...Stop caring for ourselves and possessions and start caring for people...Wherever they are in life...It is kind of what Jesus did...Where have we gone wrong? When did we lose sight of what mattered? I struggle with this everyday...I am guilty as you...Seriously have some prayer for it in your life, for people close to you on this...I want to stop caring for bullcrap that doesn't matter and start caring for eternal stuff...
Thanks for listening...
Thanks for listening...
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Here We Go...
So...My floor here at school is insane...75 % of them are loud, stay up late and love to talk...Move in day was nuts...I don't sleep anymore...And I love it...I have 25 freshmen out of 28 total dudes on the floor...At one time on move in day there were 17 families moving there kids in at once...Packed...I had to get out of there and get some food...My good buddy Austin covered for me...
So far, even after only 2 nights with these guys I love them...I know God put love in my heart for them even before they came here...I know they will look up to me in some facet, no matter how short I am :) I realize I will have to watch how I do some things and make sure I am a good example...What is so cool about that is that it is keeping me accountable for my actions...I know I need to watch what I do therefore I watch...I love it...I am the kind of person who thrives when people look up to me, and I want to lead them down a good path and be there friend, mentor, brother...I am staying clean as of late and not so much feel God around more, but I am more aware of the truth that he is there and that all I have to do is ask, pray and believe for him to lead me down his will's path...I know I will develop relationships with some of these guys that may last a very long time...I want them to be genuine relationships that I would be proud to say God is a part of, in whatever way that may be...So therefore I officially start this year as the RA of Ormston 4 at Spring Arbor University...I know there will be rough times when I don't want to do the hard stuff, but I know they will be outweighed by what God accomplished through me on this floor...Amen.
So far, even after only 2 nights with these guys I love them...I know God put love in my heart for them even before they came here...I know they will look up to me in some facet, no matter how short I am :) I realize I will have to watch how I do some things and make sure I am a good example...What is so cool about that is that it is keeping me accountable for my actions...I know I need to watch what I do therefore I watch...I love it...I am the kind of person who thrives when people look up to me, and I want to lead them down a good path and be there friend, mentor, brother...I am staying clean as of late and not so much feel God around more, but I am more aware of the truth that he is there and that all I have to do is ask, pray and believe for him to lead me down his will's path...I know I will develop relationships with some of these guys that may last a very long time...I want them to be genuine relationships that I would be proud to say God is a part of, in whatever way that may be...So therefore I officially start this year as the RA of Ormston 4 at Spring Arbor University...I know there will be rough times when I don't want to do the hard stuff, but I know they will be outweighed by what God accomplished through me on this floor...Amen.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Plans For Hope And A Future...
Hey! It'e been a bit of time since the last one...My bad...I have been freaking busy...I moved into school about a week ago for the start of RA training...I am going to be an RA of a mostly freshmen floor here at Spring Arbor University...I'm freaking stoked...I get paid to invest in lives and maybe become a part of their cherished memories...Solid...
Basically all week we have been training non stop and I have learned so much about what it means to care for the needs of people...It has started to hit me that I will have twenty seven different personalities all within one hall in a building...Not to mention, two in the same tiny room...I have my own room, but I will have to understand what the guys are going through...There is going to be a ton of things going on that I can't even begin to fathom...Some good, some bad...Some stuff that I know I won't want to have to confront...I am a people pleaser and hate it when anyone is either mad at me or perceives me as someone I am not...I guess you could say I am a softie sometimes :)
Besides all this rambling giving a brief overview of what I am doing this year, I can't leave God out of it...I am confident he called me into this position for the year...I will have to cut back time with other people and invest even when I don't want to sometimes...I know God is gonna teach me some patience and management this year...I can't just skate by and be somewhat lazy and make it through...I definitely can't do that alone...
Throughout this training I have met some amazing people...Our RA staff is awesome this year...Everyone is committed to a life for God and serving...And they are mature about it...I have learned so much from just watching and listening to other RAs this week...A common theme that keeps hitting me over the head is that so many of them have followed the process of seeking God first, always, and everything else will take of itself...It is so simple yet so hard...For the past year that has been my hardest thing...I have been worried about the future hardcore...Will I date? Who will I date? Will I pass this class? Where will my college money come from? Where and how am I to serve? How will I manage my time? One of the RAs blew me away when I listened to her talk because she always kept saying things along the lines of, "I'm not worried, because if we seek God it will work the way it is supposed to..." That thought process is starting to infiltrate my life and has taken some stress and pressure off to be perfect and worry about tomorrow too much...
I don't really know where I was going with this one...But I had to share how a simple truth has made life living for God clearer for me...Not so much easier, but now I feel like I can just live with God and go with him down this path, knowing that no matter the plan, it will be the best for me, even if right now I want something totally different...
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares thre Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
Jeremiah 29:11
Basically all week we have been training non stop and I have learned so much about what it means to care for the needs of people...It has started to hit me that I will have twenty seven different personalities all within one hall in a building...Not to mention, two in the same tiny room...I have my own room, but I will have to understand what the guys are going through...There is going to be a ton of things going on that I can't even begin to fathom...Some good, some bad...Some stuff that I know I won't want to have to confront...I am a people pleaser and hate it when anyone is either mad at me or perceives me as someone I am not...I guess you could say I am a softie sometimes :)
Besides all this rambling giving a brief overview of what I am doing this year, I can't leave God out of it...I am confident he called me into this position for the year...I will have to cut back time with other people and invest even when I don't want to sometimes...I know God is gonna teach me some patience and management this year...I can't just skate by and be somewhat lazy and make it through...I definitely can't do that alone...
Throughout this training I have met some amazing people...Our RA staff is awesome this year...Everyone is committed to a life for God and serving...And they are mature about it...I have learned so much from just watching and listening to other RAs this week...A common theme that keeps hitting me over the head is that so many of them have followed the process of seeking God first, always, and everything else will take of itself...It is so simple yet so hard...For the past year that has been my hardest thing...I have been worried about the future hardcore...Will I date? Who will I date? Will I pass this class? Where will my college money come from? Where and how am I to serve? How will I manage my time? One of the RAs blew me away when I listened to her talk because she always kept saying things along the lines of, "I'm not worried, because if we seek God it will work the way it is supposed to..." That thought process is starting to infiltrate my life and has taken some stress and pressure off to be perfect and worry about tomorrow too much...
I don't really know where I was going with this one...But I had to share how a simple truth has made life living for God clearer for me...Not so much easier, but now I feel like I can just live with God and go with him down this path, knowing that no matter the plan, it will be the best for me, even if right now I want something totally different...
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares thre Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
Jeremiah 29:11
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Serving Leftovers to God...
So in this book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan, my current read, I have come across what Francis calls the hardest for him to write...This is because it is something that we all almost don't want to believe, but something that is painfully true...It is the subject of lukewarmness in the Christian faith...The main point Francis makes is that there really is no such thing as a lukewarm Christian...It can't exist...
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see."
Revelation 3:15-18
"Spit" out? That's is pretty harsh language...In he original Greek it means gagging, hurling, retching...Holy crap...That is hardcore...There is no middle...Either hot or cold...And if you are lukewarm, God says he would rather have you cold and against him....Wow....Basically, Jesus wants us as a whole package...All or nothing...Whoever thought of calling themselves a "Christian" without being a devoted follower of Christ was out of their mind...Ad this isn't my opinion or Francis Chan's...Read it for yourself...Search the scriptures and see what God says about following him...
"You believe there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that, and shudder."
James 2:19
"We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, 'I know him' but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him."
1 John 2:3-4
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for me will find it."
Matthew 16:24-25
"Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:33
Some people say we can be Christians without being "disciples"...Why did Jesus say this then? "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20
This does not mean we are all screwed because we fail...I will be first in line to say that I struggle every single dang day to give myself to God wholly and let him guide my ways...I beat myself up for it, which is not a godly thing, and I have written about that before...We cannot forget that his grace covers us. Every single one of us has lukewarm areas of our lives, and scripture shows that there is room for failure and sin in our pursuit of God. If you sin, get over it. Humble yourself and come back to God.
"The distinction is perfection (which none will attain on earth) and a posture of obedience and surrender, where a person perpetually moves towards Christ." (Chan 86)
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see."
Revelation 3:15-18
"Spit" out? That's is pretty harsh language...In he original Greek it means gagging, hurling, retching...Holy crap...That is hardcore...There is no middle...Either hot or cold...And if you are lukewarm, God says he would rather have you cold and against him....Wow....Basically, Jesus wants us as a whole package...All or nothing...Whoever thought of calling themselves a "Christian" without being a devoted follower of Christ was out of their mind...Ad this isn't my opinion or Francis Chan's...Read it for yourself...Search the scriptures and see what God says about following him...
"You believe there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that, and shudder."
James 2:19
"We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, 'I know him' but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him."
1 John 2:3-4
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for me will find it."
Matthew 16:24-25
"Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:33
Some people say we can be Christians without being "disciples"...Why did Jesus say this then? "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20
This does not mean we are all screwed because we fail...I will be first in line to say that I struggle every single dang day to give myself to God wholly and let him guide my ways...I beat myself up for it, which is not a godly thing, and I have written about that before...We cannot forget that his grace covers us. Every single one of us has lukewarm areas of our lives, and scripture shows that there is room for failure and sin in our pursuit of God. If you sin, get over it. Humble yourself and come back to God.
"The distinction is perfection (which none will attain on earth) and a posture of obedience and surrender, where a person perpetually moves towards Christ." (Chan 86)
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Reflection...
So...Here I am...One minute away from turning twenty...It's almost midnight and...wait...Now it is...Happy Birthday to me... :) I sound conceited but I swear I'm not :)
What this all brings me to is reflection...Who am I now and how did I get here? I have been a Christian for about four and a half years...I have drastically changed who I once was before that...If you knew me before I changed schools in 8th grade, the first part of high school, and then met me now, I am not the same person...I am convinced I have been given a new life by God...I still have influences and love that I had the life I did before the fact, but am glad I am where I am for the most part...
I still am struggling with what I call a "main sin"...It's just something that has hung around and pops up and grabs me when I least expect it, and I stay in it for awhile and then get out...Then I go back in for a bit, then out...I hate it...It sucks...What is even worse is that I let guilt take over too...A good friend hit me over the head last night with profound knowledge I felt stupid for having forgotten...Guilt is not from God...Even if it seems to be...Guilt is not an attribute of God...So when I fall once, then feel guilty and continue for some odd reason, God is not in any of that...I lost that thought...Somewhere along the line I lost the simplicity of Grace...I feel as if I should know this, being a leader in "church things" and whatnot...And I should know it...I just put unneeded pressure on myself to try to conquer sin on my own and be a big strong leader for everyone...I cannot conquer this on my own, I have tried and failed...Many times...It is hard for me to fathom right now that this struggle can be taken completely from me...After all, we are human and we are going to fail...That doesn't excuse it, but we have to realize we will come up short...It's our nature...We are not perfect...But we can strive to be...We can strive to be like Jesus, as corny and cheesy as that sounds...I believe though, that we cannot reach for those kinds of goals alone...Satan will be right alongside us too, trying to turn us bassackwards on ourselves and make us forget who we are and where we have come from...We are all on this journey towards somewhere...I like to think that I am on this road and there is no end...I have a goal yes, but the road doesn't end...That's the beauty of it...Somehow, we get to be in God forever...On earth, it is in the form we see with our eyes...Human flesh...I love who I am here...But I also know that after this we will be a little different, but still God's creation and child...Maybe none of these thoughts make sense together, but right now find comfort in knowing that I can be who I am here, and overcome these struggles that hinder me from becoming that person...And I'm not alone...So I reach my hand for help, not knowing what the heck is gonna happen or how...All I know is that I want to be who I am...
What this all brings me to is reflection...Who am I now and how did I get here? I have been a Christian for about four and a half years...I have drastically changed who I once was before that...If you knew me before I changed schools in 8th grade, the first part of high school, and then met me now, I am not the same person...I am convinced I have been given a new life by God...I still have influences and love that I had the life I did before the fact, but am glad I am where I am for the most part...
I still am struggling with what I call a "main sin"...It's just something that has hung around and pops up and grabs me when I least expect it, and I stay in it for awhile and then get out...Then I go back in for a bit, then out...I hate it...It sucks...What is even worse is that I let guilt take over too...A good friend hit me over the head last night with profound knowledge I felt stupid for having forgotten...Guilt is not from God...Even if it seems to be...Guilt is not an attribute of God...So when I fall once, then feel guilty and continue for some odd reason, God is not in any of that...I lost that thought...Somewhere along the line I lost the simplicity of Grace...I feel as if I should know this, being a leader in "church things" and whatnot...And I should know it...I just put unneeded pressure on myself to try to conquer sin on my own and be a big strong leader for everyone...I cannot conquer this on my own, I have tried and failed...Many times...It is hard for me to fathom right now that this struggle can be taken completely from me...After all, we are human and we are going to fail...That doesn't excuse it, but we have to realize we will come up short...It's our nature...We are not perfect...But we can strive to be...We can strive to be like Jesus, as corny and cheesy as that sounds...I believe though, that we cannot reach for those kinds of goals alone...Satan will be right alongside us too, trying to turn us bassackwards on ourselves and make us forget who we are and where we have come from...We are all on this journey towards somewhere...I like to think that I am on this road and there is no end...I have a goal yes, but the road doesn't end...That's the beauty of it...Somehow, we get to be in God forever...On earth, it is in the form we see with our eyes...Human flesh...I love who I am here...But I also know that after this we will be a little different, but still God's creation and child...Maybe none of these thoughts make sense together, but right now find comfort in knowing that I can be who I am here, and overcome these struggles that hinder me from becoming that person...And I'm not alone...So I reach my hand for help, not knowing what the heck is gonna happen or how...All I know is that I want to be who I am...
Monday, July 28, 2008
God is Big...Period...
So...I have been reading this book called "CRAZY LOVE" by Francis Chan...It's flippin amazing...You must read it sometime...I am not very far in really...Only a few chapters, but that is because I have to keep stopping and write stuff down because it is all so awesome and I don't want to forget...Recently the focus has been on how big God is...Now this sounds stupid and obvious...But stop and think about how many times a day you stand still and actually try to comprehend what is going on...There are so many things in this world that are so intricate and complex..."The caterpillar has 228 separate and distinct muscles in its head, the average elm tree has about 6 million leaves on it, and your heart generates enough pressure throughout your body that it can squirt blood up to 30 ft. (Don't try it :) God didn't have to put hundreds of different kinds of bananas, but he did...He didn't have ti put 3,000 different species of trees within one square mile in the Amazon jungle, but he did...How about the way plants defy gravity by drawing water upwards? Did you know spiders produce 3 kinds of silk? When they build webs, they create sixty feet of web an hour, simultaneously producing special oil on their feet that keeps them from sticking to their web...What about the simple fact that plants take in carbon dioxide (harmful to us) and produce oxygen (we need to survive)? You knew that, but have you ever marveled at it?
"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world."
PSALM 19:1-4
This is our reason for worshipping him...The earth is the work of his own hands...He is the King of Kings, Alpha and Omega...I know you have heard this...Just don't miss it...So, how do we respond to this? Do we look at a sunset night after night, forgetting the next morning what beauty we saw just hours before? Do we look at the stars in the sky and ignore the millions of balls of insane light that have been created light years away? Or do we see the world everyday and get blown away with how everything seems to work, no matter how good or how bad it looks? Do we realize that God doesn't really need us to do anything, but He wants us...He wants to use us as his medium on this earth...He can and does speak to people on his own yes, but he also chooses to let us be a part of that process...HOLY CRAP!!?? I feel freaking honored when I am used by God to do something to further his kingdom here...We are so small, yet so beautiful...Don't lose this...Don't forget that God is bigger than the universe itself and he created every corner...Breathe it in...
"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world."
PSALM 19:1-4
This is our reason for worshipping him...The earth is the work of his own hands...He is the King of Kings, Alpha and Omega...I know you have heard this...Just don't miss it...So, how do we respond to this? Do we look at a sunset night after night, forgetting the next morning what beauty we saw just hours before? Do we look at the stars in the sky and ignore the millions of balls of insane light that have been created light years away? Or do we see the world everyday and get blown away with how everything seems to work, no matter how good or how bad it looks? Do we realize that God doesn't really need us to do anything, but He wants us...He wants to use us as his medium on this earth...He can and does speak to people on his own yes, but he also chooses to let us be a part of that process...HOLY CRAP!!?? I feel freaking honored when I am used by God to do something to further his kingdom here...We are so small, yet so beautiful...Don't lose this...Don't forget that God is bigger than the universe itself and he created every corner...Breathe it in...
Monday, July 21, 2008
Quiet and Rest...
Tonight in my bible study, I arrived a good amount of time late, like over an hour, but I got there in the middle of a time when everyone was on a 30 min walk...We were supposed to just be reading Psalm 23 and reflecting on it...What it meant to us, part or whole...The first verse of course stuck out to me and was familiar: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." Then I read verse 2 and 3, which weren't so familiar...They spoke of rest and quiet with God...That hit me hard...One of my biggest struggles is staying quiet before God and just trying to listen a little...I read that God restores my soul and guides me in a path of righteousness FOR HIS NAME"S SAKE...Not only do I get my soul renewed by God, it is done so that His name is glorified...I am in the position in my life where I get stoked whenever God gets credit for anything done by me, which is just God using me for his plan...That excites the crap right outta me... :)
God takes care of us...We have to remember that...He doesn't pressure or force us to let him do that...He just wants to...He also doesn't force us to follow Him, whether that be a total surrendering or just a little hang-up in our lives where we get off the path a little.....He just waits for us, patiently...Waiting for us to say, "Ok God, my way sucks and I want to be in on your plan..." Just chill and let God take over...You will have to discern, yes, but you will also not be failed by Him...If any of these random thoughts I just spilled out made any sense, hallelujah...
PSALM 23
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me besides quiet waters, he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my sup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
God takes care of us...We have to remember that...He doesn't pressure or force us to let him do that...He just wants to...He also doesn't force us to follow Him, whether that be a total surrendering or just a little hang-up in our lives where we get off the path a little.....He just waits for us, patiently...Waiting for us to say, "Ok God, my way sucks and I want to be in on your plan..." Just chill and let God take over...You will have to discern, yes, but you will also not be failed by Him...If any of these random thoughts I just spilled out made any sense, hallelujah...
PSALM 23
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me besides quiet waters, he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my sup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Woman of God...
In our lives we people we admire...We have people who we aspire to become...Sometimes it is out of jealousy we want to be them...Sometimes it is because we can see God shining through them so clear it blows us away on occasion...There is this woman whom I met about a year ago in person...Her name is Carol Wilson...She is the grandmother of my best friend Jeremy...I can't even think of where to start on her life, even as little as I have known it...When I first met her about a year ago she was well into her cancer treatment and was trucking along as if nothing hindered her...When she was first diagnosed with cancer she was given months to live, I believe...She outlasted that prediction by about two years...Through it all, from the outside I heard about her personality and how she just lived life...I was impressed about her joy and happiness in her suffering of course, but I was blown away by her persistence in glorifying God with EVERYTHING...Whether she was just spending time with her family, neighbors, friends, or serving in her church back home in NC...She always pointed her situation, if that is a proper term for it, towards God...She found God's plan in it all...She realized that her journey was God's plan and she was right in the middle of it...With this she wasn't afraid to share...Her blog was and is read by people all over the world...Seriously...From reading her comments on her posts, there were people from all over being impacted by her words and her perseverance in her cancer...
Carol Wilson, affectionately known as "Mimi" by some, has shown me what it means to live a full Godly life...She showed me how to commit to the ones you love...How to live a solid marriage built around Christ...How to live a life in Christ...
If you read this, you need to go to her blog and read back on some of her stuff...There is a lot, so you may want to make it a daily read for awhile or something... :)
http://carolwilsonupdate.blogspot.com
"Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy praise
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
I'll praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love
Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above"
Carol Wilson, affectionately known as "Mimi" by some, has shown me what it means to live a full Godly life...She showed me how to commit to the ones you love...How to live a solid marriage built around Christ...How to live a life in Christ...
If you read this, you need to go to her blog and read back on some of her stuff...There is a lot, so you may want to make it a daily read for awhile or something... :)
http://carolwilsonupdate.blogspot.com
"Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy praise
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
I'll praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love
Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above"
Monday, June 16, 2008
Redemption...
So, I know I these aren't my actual words but this song's lyrics are shaping to be my life and the way I view my relationship with the Big Guy...It's a song called "Redemption" by August Burns Red...If you can handle some screaming it's a great listen...:) Basically I am sick of things not of God controlling my life...I don't want Plan B, as Rick would say...I want God's Plan A and I keep being thrown down to the ground by the devil...He knows just what buttons to push without me even knowing it...I won't even pretend to fully God's grace and I know he gives it freely...I have heard that a thousand times...I know God overpowers the devil...All these things I know and I still fail...How does God keep going to bat for us? Why does he keeping fighting for us? There is a love I will never understand...I could get married and love another human as a spouse...I can love my family...I can love a friend...I struggle with all these for sure, but I never will completely get how someone who gets backstabbed so much by people who know they are doing it can keep standing in front of bullets for them...I believe God loves me more than my brain can physically and mentally comprehend...I don't always feel it, I'm not gonna lie...Sometimes I wonder where God has gone...I suppose it's in those times God has wondered where I have gone as well...
I trust in you for life to live, and air to breath.
Purity fills my lungs.
I no longer live in solitude.
No longer bound.
My heart beats with great devotion.
This is the start to a new beginning.
On my knees praying for mercy.
Hands raised high, humble and broken.
Wanting your grace.
Wanting your security.
Memories of laying face down, motionless, with such a hollow feeling inside.
Soon I would end this life I was living.
I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands.
I am a fallen victim.
Lord, show me the way.
I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way.
Take me in your arms.
Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.
Be my strength.
Be my voice.
Be my glory.
Set me free.
:::August Burns Red- "Redemption":::
I trust in you for life to live, and air to breath.
Purity fills my lungs.
I no longer live in solitude.
No longer bound.
My heart beats with great devotion.
This is the start to a new beginning.
On my knees praying for mercy.
Hands raised high, humble and broken.
Wanting your grace.
Wanting your security.
Memories of laying face down, motionless, with such a hollow feeling inside.
Soon I would end this life I was living.
I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands.
I am a fallen victim.
Lord, show me the way.
I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way.
Take me in your arms.
Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.
Be my strength.
Be my voice.
Be my glory.
Set me free.
:::August Burns Red- "Redemption":::
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Questions...
Who have I become? Am I who I want to be? Am I where I want to be? More importantly, am I who God made me to be? Did I miss the fork in the road and go left when I should have gone right? Did I pick the right path? So many things are already set in motion that I hope I am down the right road...I have failed so many times and I feel like I don't deserve what I don't even understand to have been given...I think I want something, and then when I get it I feel like I picked the wrong wants...I feel like I was blinded by wanting the easy way out...Whether these are convictions or just truths coming to surface I do not know...They could even be false feelings that have no meaning...I even feel like somewhat of a pansy complaining and talking about this...I am between a rock and a hard place...I cannot see the parts of my future I want to see, yet I am strangely ok with that...I want awesome things to happen, but I also know it is not the the time for them...Then again, God works in a timeline that I won't even pretend to understand...
"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11
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