Reflection...

So...Here I am...One minute away from turning twenty...It's almost midnight and...wait...Now it is...Happy Birthday to me... :) I sound conceited but I swear I'm not :)

What this all brings me to is reflection...Who am I now and how did I get here? I have been a Christian for about four and a half years...I have drastically changed who I once was before that...If you knew me before I changed schools in 8th grade, the first part of high school, and then met me now, I am not the same person...I am convinced I have been given a new life by God...I still have influences and love that I had the life I did before the fact, but am glad I am where I am for the most part...

I still am struggling with what I call a "main sin"...It's just something that has hung around and pops up and grabs me when I least expect it, and I stay in it for awhile and then get out...Then I go back in for a bit, then out...I hate it...It sucks...What is even worse is that I let guilt take over too...A good friend hit me over the head last night with profound knowledge I felt stupid for having forgotten...Guilt is not from God...Even if it seems to be...Guilt is not an attribute of God...So when I fall once, then feel guilty and continue for some odd reason, God is not in any of that...I lost that thought...Somewhere along the line I lost the simplicity of Grace...I feel as if I should know this, being a leader in "church things" and whatnot...And I should know it...I just put unneeded pressure on myself to try to conquer sin on my own and be a big strong leader for everyone...I cannot conquer this on my own, I have tried and failed...Many times...It is hard for me to fathom right now that this struggle can be taken completely from me...After all, we are human and we are going to fail...That doesn't excuse it, but we have to realize we will come up short...It's our nature...We are not perfect...But we can strive to be...We can strive to be like Jesus, as corny and cheesy as that sounds...I believe though, that we cannot reach for those kinds of goals alone...Satan will be right alongside us too, trying to turn us bassackwards on ourselves and make us forget who we are and where we have come from...We are all on this journey towards somewhere...I like to think that I am on this road and there is no end...I have a goal yes, but the road doesn't end...That's the beauty of it...Somehow, we get to be in God forever...On earth, it is in the form we see with our eyes...Human flesh...I love who I am here...But I also know that after this we will be a little different, but still God's creation and child...Maybe none of these thoughts make sense together, but right now find comfort in knowing that I can be who I am here, and overcome these struggles that hinder me from becoming that person...And I'm not alone...So I reach my hand for help, not knowing what the heck is gonna happen or how...All I know is that I want to be who I am...