under his grace forever.

Because He Lives...

2012-01-26T17:32:00.004-05:00

This is rocking my world right now. Stripped down. Simple. I know it is a reboot of an old song, but I am loving old stuff more and more as I move on in my journey towards Christ.

I think maybe we lose some of simple daddy-like qualities of God in American Christianity.

These lyrics hit in a way that CCM cannot match.

Give it a listen.

"God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"
_Romans 8:14-15_(The Message)

Sunshine, Come And Help Me See...

2012-01-23T11:55:00.004-05:00

The fight once committed to, has to be for the rest of one's life.

It's a commitment to fight evil as old as time. The battle isn't always flesh and blood, but one of the spirit and one of endurance. For the enemy will never tire, until he is bound for good by the Master.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
_2 Timothy 4:7_

Zombies, Wine, and Christian Music

2011-11-29T14:33:00.000-05:00

This is a blog post by Michael Gungor, head of the band Gungor. It makes me warm and fuzzy inside. Read his blog HERE.

Zombies, Wine, and Christian Music

When you are in a touring band, there is a lot of time that is spent waiting. Waiting to board a plane, waiting for the bus to arrive at the venue, waiting for sound check…etc One of the many games that people in our band have implemented now and then to fill the waiting time is a little game we might call the “Christian or secular” game. Basically the game is simply playing a very short clip of music and having someone guess whether it is “Christian” or “secular” music. The person who is most accurate with his or her guesses is the winner.

This is surprisingly easy to do.

Especially when you talk about radio stations. It is easy for me to spot a Christian music radio station within about 3 seconds. Far before any Christian lingo is uttered to make it clear.

It’s weird. I’m always trying to figure out what it is that makes something sound like Christian music, because there’s definitely something… I’d love to get some of your thoughts about it. But for me (and I’m actually one of the better players of the game if I must say so myself), I find something very disingenuous about most Christian music. This is something I can simply feel at a gut level. If I hear a song, and I hear any sort of pretending or false emotion, that’s a good first indicator. I’m really not trying to throw mud here, I’m being honest at how I am good at this game. Christian music often has a sheen to it that other music doesn’t have. Some pop and country music has a similar sheen, but the Christian sheen is like a blander sheen somehow.

The vocals are always really hot in the mix because for Christian music, the words are the most important part. That’s kind of similar to country though as well, so you have to be careful there. Country has some of the same Nashville tones, players, and compression styles that Christian music has most of the time, but the twang is just a little deeper with the country side of things. There’s also a little more “humanness” or “soul” in Country to my ears.

The false emotion that I’m talking about might be familiar to some of you. There’s just something more believable about the whispery sexy voice that is singing about sex on the mainstream radio station than the voice that copies that style of singing while putting lyrics in about being in the arms of Jesus. And it’s really not even the style or the lyric that is the problem to me, it’s the fact that I don’t believe that the singer is feeling the kind of emotions in singing that lyric that would lead to that style of singing. It’s that same kind of creep out that you feel when somebody gives a really loud fake laugh. It’s just weird and uncomfortable feeling.

An example of this would be a song that somebody sent us recently of an older song of mine called “Wrap Me In Your Arms.” The lyric is a very intimate and soft sort of lyric. “Take me to that place where I can be with you, you can make me like you…etc” This person did a hardcore/screamo version of this song. Not just like getting a little loud, I mean full out death metal sounding, demon-voiced screaming. It was so freaking weird mostly because it seemed so disingenuous. You would never speak such gentle words to someone you loved by screaming in their face like you were possessed by Beelzebub. That’s an extreme example, but it’s very typical of the basic premise of most Christian music to me, which is–use whatever musical style you wish as a medium to communicate your message. It’s not about the art, it’s about the message. So use whatever tools and mediums you have at your fingertips to do so. If you want to reach emo kids, then sing emo music but with Jesus language. The problem with this is that emo music is not simply reducible to certain sounding tones and chords. There are emotions and attitudes of different genres of music that are the soul of the music. You can’t remove the anger from screamo and have it still be screamo. It’s the soul of that music, whether that soul is good or evil is not the point, simply that it is the soul. So when you remove the soul from music and transplant the body parts (chord changes, instrumentation, dress, lights, and everything but the soul…) and parade it around with some more “positive” lyrics posing as Christian music, then what you have is a musical zombie.

It looks like a human.. It eats like a human… It still walks and makes noise and resembles a human, but it’s not. It’s a zombie. It has no soul. It just uses it’s human body for its own purposes.

This is what I initially feel when I play the “Christian or secular” game. I look into its eyes, and I perceive whether the thing has a soul or not. And 9 times out of ten, I can do it very quickly and efficiently.

Why is this like this? I don’t know, and it makes me very sad. I don’t hate all Christian music. There are a few artists that I know in the Christian industry that are really trying to transcend the inherent limitations and zombying effect of the industry. But the industry as a whole is broken, friends. We call it Christian, but it’s certainly not based in Christianity. It is based on marketing. That’s it. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but it wouldn’t be true.

Example:

We just were part of one of the biggest tours of the fall in the Christian music industry. To my knowledge, every night but one night was sold out, and that’s because they added a second show in the same city kind of last minute. The interesting thing about this tour was that it was pretty much in all mainstream venues. Clubs, theatres…etc It was awesome.

But you know what made me sad? That empty bar every night.

Even though these shows were all sold out, I would imagine that the bartenders at all those clubs were like “oh man, Christian night… that means no tips for me.”

Sometimes the promoters would just buy out the bar so there wouldn’t be any liquor sales at all.

I’m not saying that I wished that everybody was getting hammered at the show… But for crying out loud, buy one beer. Or heck, if you don’t drink beer, buy a Coke.

But here’s what is super weird about this situation. I bet you if you took all of those Christians that came to the shows and split them up and had them go to “secular” shows, A LOT of them would have bought a drink. It’s the fact that there is this assumption among all of the Christians there that having a drink at a Christian event is sort of a questionable thing to do.

Why is this?

It’s certainly not because of the Bible. Jesus’ first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. And not just any wine. The kind of wine that made people think they saved the very best wine until the end. And you preachers who pervert the scriptures with your own extremely biased interpretations, here’s a news flash, people at parties don’t think the best wine is non-alcoholic grape juice. Religious people didn’t call Jesus “a glutton and a drunkard” because he ate communion loafers and grape juice all of the time.

Sheesh. It’s just so ridiculous to me.

And here’s the thing. I don’t even drink very much. I’ve never really been drunk, and I’m not advocating that people should just be foolish with their drinking or eating habits. But for crying out loud, this whole spiritualizing of alcohol being an inherently bad thing is so annoying. It’s mostly just an American thing, by the way (as well as places where America has exported these ideas with our missionaries). If you go most other places in the world, or anywhere else in history for that matter, Christians drink alcohol. Ever heard of a little thing called Communion? You know, the bread and the wine? That’s a pretty big deal in Christianity. Jesus didn’t pour out a cup of grape juice.

Man alive.

You know what the alcohol thing is based on? You ready for this? You sure?

Money.

Old people are the people that give the most money to Christian organizations like religious media outlets. And old people grew up in a time where alcohol was seen as a taboo social reality. Just like dancing or playing cards or “mixed bathing” (swimming). It’s based in an era of prohibition. These are old American values that we’re dealing with, not Christian values. It’s the old American people that have money that the Christian organizations do not want to offend. So they create an environment where drinking is seen as evil. If you want to start a television ministry, you can’t have it known to your donors that your staff likes to go out for drinks after work. So you implement rules for them. Do you know how common this is? I have friends that have lost their jobs over crap like this.

Do you see the irony of this? If you had been a disciple of Jesus and drank some of the wine of his first recorded miracle with him, you would be fired from a lot of the churches in this country. Shame on us.

So the point? (I haven’t forgotten) The point is that the industry that labels things as Christian and sells them to you has far more to do with marketing then Christianity. They are marketing to the mixed bag of values that has created the Evangelical Christian subculture. It’s a mix of some historically Christian values, some American values, and a whole lot of cultural boundary markers that set “us” apart from “them.” This sort of system makes us feel safe and right, and it makes some of its gatekeepers very wealthy and powerful.

The effect is then the filtering down of this subculture to people that don’t necessarily want to think through the viability of every one of these boundary markers, but in their simple desire to belong to what they consider the good guys, they acquiesce to the rules handed to them. At least in public. As the joke goes, why do you take two Baptists with you when you go fishing? Because if you only bring one, he’ll drink all your beer.

Here are some of the actual effects of this subculture though.

1. It makes us dishonest

When the foundation of the market and music you are trying to make is pretense, it’s very hard to be honest and successful. There is an unspoken assumption from most of us that we really want the people on the stage or on the book or album cover or on the radio need to have it together more than we do. Because we are messed up, we need them to be a sort of savior and hope for us. The result of this is that it’s often the people who are really good at pretending that they have it all together that make it to the stage and the book or album cover and the radio stations.

So Christians that would normally buy a beer don’t because they are in the Christian concert. Christian bands that smoke (which a lot of them if not most of them do, including some of my players) have to duck into back alleys as to not offend anybody. I think smoking is stupid. But I think it’s stupid because it smells bad and it kills you. I don’t use my religion to judge other people about it.

Rather than just being honest about where we are at and what we all struggle with though, we look to our gatekeepers to believe and live morally vicariously for us. That way we feel better about being part of the system of good, and the moral brokenness in our own lives is repressed like the fear of a child with her security blanket.

This sort of dishonesty is at the heart of much of what I and so many others find so repulsive about much of modern American Christendom

2. It kills creativity

I had a conversation with John Mark McMillan last night about something that I think is very interesting. By the way, I consider John Mark to be one of the ones I consider to be making a valiant effort in transcending some of these imposed limitations in this industry. But he mentioned to me how strange it is that people keep calling his new album “creative.” That word is actually one of the most used words when people describe our music as well. In fact, I bet some of you reading this have described as such. Here’s the weird thing about this…

Why do you find it necessary to say that?

Do you notice that nobody really uses that word about other types of music? I just was perusing some Itunes user reviews to see if this holds up. I checked John Mark and mine, and “creativity” is very often found. But it’s not often found in reviews of bands like Sigur Ros, Bon Iver, Radiohead, Sufjan Stevens or other artists who are certainly very “creative.”

Nobody goes to an art gallery and says, “boy, that painting is so creative.” Why? Because it’s art! Of course it’s creative! Why else would it be there? It’s very nature is creativity. Or like Lisa pointed out to me today, “that would be like saying, I love your house, it’s so architectural.”

But when someone in the Christian industry actually takes their art seriously, everybody is like “holy crap, listen to how creative it is!”

It’s like a person that’s been living among zombies for years seeing an actual human being and exclaiming, “wow, look at how clean her face is! She doesn’t even have any blood on it or anything!”

I’m not slamming the people that describe our music as creative. I appreciate the kindness that’s behind the words, but it does make me sad that the idea of creativity is so foreign to our industry that we have to actually point it out when someone actually sees the art as art and not zombie propaganda. Ok, that might have been a little much. But I like the sentence so I’ll leave it.

So that’s why I’m good at the Christian or secular game. I’ve seen behind the curtain, and I know the little man that’s pulling the levers, and he’s not impressive. I recognize his voice at this point, and it’s all over religious media.

Why am I writing this blog?

Some of you have commented in the past when I’ve been critical of the Christian music industry that I’m being hypocritical by still being a part of it. I don’t see it that way. I actually love a lot of the individual people in the industry. There really are some amazing people in it, many of who share my weariness about the way things have been. And I also love you guys. I love our fans. I love the people that we get to meet and I love being able to get our music to them. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try our best to purify the systems that we are part of. I just want to be honest about what I see and call us to find better ways of doing things.

Two quick recommendations and I’ll stop this blog that has already gone on WAY too long:

Consumers: I would suggest that you actively support those artists that you love that the industry hasn’t necessarily bought into. The cards are stacked against people that actually want to do honest creative art in this industry, and the people that try really need your direct help and support to have any chance. For us, we’ve had one guy for instance that has been sending us a check every month for years because he appreciates what we are trying to do. Do you know how much that one family has helped us stay encouraged? Even if it’s not a huge amount of money or anything, just having people behind you in this sort of battle is really helpful.

Industry people: Stop being so afraid. I know you want things to be different than they are as well. I know you want creativity to be valued as much as “Becky” analysis, but we need some of you to have some balls and make some decisions based on that value system. Yes money matters. But so does beauty. Art actually makes a difference in the world. Have the courage to actually make decisions on values and not simply on past numbers and trends. And for crying out loud, if it really is good, the numbers will follow eventually anyway.

Artists: Take heart. I think the tides may be turning. The recent attention and success of our band speaks to it I think. People are growing weary of the status quo. The machine and its sheen have seen its strongest days. So I encourage you as well to not be afraid. Your art is worth making even if the industry around you isn’t quite ready for it yet. Make it and let them catch up with you. Your art is sacred. Be honest. Be brave. And don’t let the markets or the industry be the final filter on your art, let your heart do that. Ok that’s all from me tonight.

That Saved A Wretch Like Me...

2011-11-22T12:20:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I forget the sweet sound of grace...

Sometimes I don't feel worthy of being saved...

Sometimes I still feel lost...

Sometimes I long to be found...

Sometimes I feel blind...

Sometimes I can't see my own hand in front of my face...

Revelation.

2011-10-31T19:32:00.001-05:00

Obedience is better than sacrifice.

Chew on it...

There's No Place I Would Rather Be...

2011-09-08T12:08:00.006-05:00

There’s no place I’d rather be,
There’s no place I’d rather be,
There’s no place I’d rather be,
Than here in Your Love.
Here in Your Love.

Set a fire down in my Soul
That I can’t contain and I can’t control.
I want more of You, God I want more of You, God.

amen.

Nothing Else Matters.

2011-08-30T14:32:00.006-05:00

"He has cheated Hell and seated us above the fall.
In desperate places He paid our wages one time once and for all"

::John Mark McMillan::
::"Death In His Grave"::

"But if it is preached that Christ has been raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? If there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith."
::1 Corinthians 15:12-14::

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJDguHJ34SE

The Lion.

2011-08-27T00:26:00.003-05:00

"'Is- he a man?' asked Lucy.

'Aslan a man!' said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion- the lion, the great Lion.'

'Ooh!'said Susan, 'I'd thought he was a man. Is he-quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.'

'That you will dearie, and no mistake' said Mrs. Beaver; 'if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than me or else just silly.'

'Then he isn't safe?' asked Lucy.

'Safe?' said Mr. Beaver. 'Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.'"

::C.S. Lewis
::The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

I am the son of the Most High King.

Prone To Wander...

2011-08-14T21:59:00.003-05:00

Brokenness is not weakness...Weakness is not evil...Weakness is not even weak...Please, please, give up your false notion that you have to be strong all the time...You cannot do it...You are prone to wandering and fading...You are not above sin...

I am prone to wandering...I try to hide my weakness...I fail...

Give it up.

Please.

Let it go.

Hold onto something that will not fail, falter, wander, give way or ever be weak.

Ever.

Be man enough to admit you can't do it alone.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." _2 Corinthians 12:9-10_

Character & Integrity...

2011-08-06T23:18:00.004-05:00

It has been one long dang time since I have written anything...

Another year older today...College over...Job hunting...Life...Alas...

I was given the opportunity to speak to a student body of fifteen hundred on my last day of chapel in my undergraduate career...I read and listened back over it recently and needed to hear the truths I spoke again for myself...Kind of a weird feeling getting told a new one by yourself...Anyways, here it is...Remember I am as broken as the next person and have trouble following my own advice...

-----------

Hi. I’m Jake and I think it’s funny when people get coffee drinks with skim milk and then ask for whip cream. I also want to ask you all to open your Bibles to Jeremiah 29:11 as I give a sermon taking the verse completely out of context…Just kidding…However, I am a senior who is about to walk at graduation this Saturday. In light of that, here’s a few things I have thought about, learned, observed, lived out, and not lived out, in my time here at college…
I’ve learned that character and integrity are much more important than they get credit for…I’ve learned that life is an inside job and we are not victims. Everyone has their own junk…On the outside we deal with those weaknesses by blaming things around ourselves, when we are truly the idiot… The problem is that we have to admit we are the idiot and we have to admit we want to change ourselves…
See, character is who you are when no one is looking. So let’s start with this. If I sign a contract that says I will follow certain guidelines while at this school, but break a few I personally disagree with, then my character is flawed in some way. See, I signed the contract, a bond, that said I would keep my word. I don’t care if you don’t agree with some of the rules, you still agreed to follow them. For the record, I am personally not above anyone for having followed or not followed the handbook while here. It’s not even about the typed ink on the paper anyway guys, and if you think it is, then you are missing it.
Not entirely related….Girls, I probably can’t fully understand what it means to have to wait on guys for us to take the initiative, but I do see some of the great lengths you girls go to wanting to get our attention. While it initially may be something you want, how you dress matters. Some of us want to treat you as God intended, we truly desire that, but when you’re not intentional in a positive way with the way you dress, as an example, you send us mixed messages. Respect yourself enough to not give us what our male desire wants. Save yourself for somebody. It’s worth it. It really is.
Guys, just because girls show you some cleavage or dress in other immodest ways, doesn’t give you an excuse to have a lack of self-control. However, all of us are tempted to act on carnal urges, in which we tend to treat women as objects if we let go on control and intentionality. But real men rise above carnal urges and treat women well; in a way they deserve. It takes a real man to have self-control and go completely against how culture says to look at women. And once again, I personally am not above this. I speak to you from a place of forced humility, as God has brought me, dragged me, a loooong way to where I am today. And if you guys don’t think that pornography will affect you, mentally and physically, the rest of your life, then you are dead. wrong. Every time you settle for a fake image of God’s beautiful creation, you create an expectation your wife will never live up to, because porn isn’t real love. Never, ever, sacrifice your future on the altar of the immediate.
Honestly guys, I want to be a perfect man, a man wholly surrendered to God…I really desire that…I desire to have solid character and integrity, and I do fail. You need to know that.…But, if we become a community that is seeking character moment by moment, then we become a people who can transform little tiny Spring Arbor…Jackson…Michigan…The U.S…The world…for Christ…We don’t become impactful when it is eleven o’clock at night and we’re in our third hour of Call of Duty or Halo, with two more to go…We don’t become impactful when it’s eleven o’clock at night and we have spent the last two hours gossiping about who we think is worth less than us on this campus…
We are impactful when we are followers of Christ cleverly disguised as something…I hope to be a follower of Christ disguised as a resident director of a college next year…I also still want to change the world…I want to do something that is bound to fail unless God intervenes…However, I have to change myself to the likeness of Christ before I can change the world…It’s an inside out job…
I was an RA for a year and half here, and the reason it was only one and a half years was because I tried to form myself from the outside in…I let my personality and reputation carry me into a second year of student leadership, and when I could no longer hide from my awful grades that were not characteristic of a committed student, I had to be let go of my position. In the middle of the year…I’m kind of embarrassed to share this too…It sucked. It really did. I cried for the first time in three or four years that night…I wish I would have had the depth of character to avoid that…God did use it…But I am telling you because we mature a little bit more when we spew our crap…
I mature a little bit more when I recognize my depravity and get in front of someone who loves me enough to tell me I’m an idiot, in love…James 5:16: Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” The person whom you confess to won’t let you off the hook, but they won’t beat you up either…And you can’t jump into the listener’s seat without ever having sat in the confessor’s seat…
For those of you going into ministry of any kind this summer, you are all followers of Christ cleverly disguised as a counselor, foreman, director, coach, lifeguard, and so on…Don’t say you are going to a camp this summer to get changed, or that you will get changed on whatever summer trip you have planned…Get changed now, with your roommate, with your best friend, with people whom you are close to…And do it today.
For everyone in this room, whether you care about God or not, it’s time to acknowledge the struggle. Everyone on this campus has crap?, from freshmen to the administration…You are not alone. You are also not as strong as you think, so stop thinking you are. Right now. Right this second. Stop pretending you have it together…Come on, no one does…But be encouraged in the community of brokenness that exists all around you. We all suck at life sometimes, but we are dragged back to our feet by God and each other.
As you leave Spring Arbor someday, leave a mark, not just a reputation…Leave having been a servant, rather than being served…Will you leave and have at least one person say you really impacted their life for Christ? Or will they say something like, “Man, you really knew how to party hard?”
Desire to be a man or woman of character and integrity. Work hard for it. Be intentional. And refuse to be complacent. To quote one of my favorite verses from Ephesians: “Wake up O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”

The Same Mistake...

2011-05-06T12:18:00.004-05:00

"But if this love changes everything, then with this love, you know that I can't afford to make the same mistake."

:::The Wedding- "The Same Mistake":::

Just trying to put the past in the past eh?

Don't be defined by your past mistakes.

They have shaped you, sure.

But they have not defined you.

Christ has defined you.

Ask Him about you sometime.

And don't expect a heavenly, angelic voice from the sky to answer (although that is possible).

Expect Him to answer from the mouths of those around you.

So shut up and listen.

Wolves, Sheep, and The Lamb...

2011-04-24T23:38:00.002-05:00

Night like the cunning wolf comes to swallow your soul
And in his vacant heart lies a hate that’s so cold
The fallen lives are covered beneath the dark abyss
But the sheep’s wool is pure because the shepherd’s selflessness

He guards the weak and in need
Through his light all the wayward will see
With his staff he protects and makes free
So surrender a life incomplete

Now with a heart of grace
Speaking words of hope,
We’ll show the lost your faith
We’ll take the road less traveled-
The shepherd’s marked his way
We’ll take the road less traveled-
The shepherd’s marked his way

So trace these lines and he’ll guide you home
The lamb will finish this race for your soul
The lamb will finish this race for your soul

So hold fast to this
And know that victory
Is just a step away
Lay down your burdens
And let his promise heal within
To make you feel alive

Now you’re finding out, the voice inside you
The one that keeps on holding you back
It guides you wayward and takes you far from
It takes you far from this beaten path

I can see you’re just a wolf in sheep’s clothing
Because your tempting ways give you away
But I’m alive because the grace that dwells within me
A hope that carries me along everyday

EVERYDAY

So let Your grace and mercy fall like rain
The wolves may scar and hunt you down
But the Truth will still come out
Follow close and open up your heart to hear
His words will hold you close and chase away your fear

Death where is your sting?
Death where is your sting?
I tell you the mystery
Graves are but mere tombs
Graves are but mere tombs
Tombs that last three days

The Furious Love of God...

2011-03-22T23:22:00.003-05:00

This post is brought on by The Furious Longing of God by: Brennan Manning...

First of all, what does the furious longing of God mean to me? What does it mean to be longed after and loved by God in a furious way?

I have little idea.

Maybe I should have a better idea?

With some years of high school and college ministry and four years studying ministry at a Christian university "under my belt", maybe I should know more...Maybe my confidence should be a little higher...Maybe my doubt a little less...

But maybe not.

If I am honest, I have trouble knowing what it means to love God and be loved by Him...

Thankfully, my opinion and personal experience does not change the Truth that exists...The Truth that God seeks us with a furious longing so full of aching passion that it would literally crumble us if we were to experience it at capacity...God desires to be in this union with us, and the apostle Paul expressed this in Galatians when he says, "It is no longer I who lives, but Christ lives in me." (2:20)

"Jesus came not only for those who skip morning meditations, but also for real sinners, thieves, adulterers, and terrorists, for those caught up in sqaulid choices and failed dreams." (Manning 32)

"I have come to call not the self-righteous, but sinners." Matthew 9:13

For the longest time I put pressure on myself...If I missed daily quiet times or didn't feel as if my worship was authentic I beat myself up, adding to the guilt and fear already residing inside my head...Obviously those feelings are not of God...

My view of God was, and still is limited...I put his love in a box that was not fit to hold even the dirty laundry I take home to wash for free...I lived by the definition I made for something I was not created to define in the first place...

If I really think about it though, if I were to have power over God's love, then I should refuse to worship him, for he would be conditional and weak...

He is not though...He is the Great I Am, the Beginning and the End, and the greatest lover to ever exist...

I let my sin(s) be an excuse to run and just throw a few words at God every now and then, while pushing full steam ahead on a path I fashioned for myself out of less than gold...

But,

"Those of us scarred by sin are called to closeness with Him around the banquet table. The kingdom of God is not a subdivision for the self-righteous or for those who lay claim to private visions of doubtful authenticity and boast they possess the state secret of their salvation.....The men and women who are truly filled with light are those who have gazed deeply into the darkness of their own imperfect existence." (Manning 32)

"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
Ephesians 3:17-19

The love of Christ is beyond knowledge. Let go of your tiny, weak, circumcised, traditionalist, legalistic, human perception of God and open yourself to a God in Jesus Christ, the most loving man to walk this green earth...

While it is good and Godly to pursue a thoughtful life as a man/woman of God, take the pressure off yourself, please...Just shut up and shut off and sit for a second...

Let God love you where you are at.

Not where you think you should be.

Accept that it is real, no matter what you have or haven't done.

If you don't understand it, then consider yourself normal, and don't be discouraged...Ask for God to reveal his love to you...

Chances are that he has already been anyways, you have just been missing it...

Don't fret though, for He is continuing to pursue you with the most furious love.

And He will never stop.

Ever.

----------------------------------
The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

When years of time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men, who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam’s race—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Quote...

2011-02-06T23:31:00.003-05:00

"If you knew the depths from which you had come, and the heights to which you have been raised, you would never stop singing."

You have been lifted from the miry clay.

You are not defined by your sin.

You are never too far gone.

When you accept that, don't be afraid to scream in joy.

Oak From Ash...

2010-12-27T02:19:00.004-05:00

I literally am sitting here thinking about my life...Where I have come from and where I am now...I suppose self-reflection isn't the worst eh? :)

But jeez, to see the journey I call my life is both fulfilling and yet slightly painful; to see where I was an idiot, or immature, or missed opportunity, but still with God making all things work out for good no matter what...

I write quotes in the back of my Bible and as I looked through them this week I could remember almost every moment and where I was when I wrote them down...Some are from youth group in high school, some from service at church, some from reading a book, some from friends, and a few from sitting in silence with God and thoughts popping in my head...The impact these things have on me today is immense...I cannot discredit these statements and times in my life which have impacted me so...

I've also been looking back through my journal, which is also both an awesome and painful experience...Seeing how I have grown from the beginning of my journey with God when I was fifteen and now as a twenty-two year old about to graduate college in the spring, is humbling...I enjoyed seeing how early in my faith I truly had the faith of a child, with few complications and just a simple desire to seek God out, minus the frills, fluff, preaching, exegetical papers, and arguments from all sides on Truth...Not that those things are bad, but they are just things to have to weigh in with my faith that I didn't have to bother with at first...

Continuing to look back though, I am watching a boy become a man...Sure legally I am an adult, but I'm not so sure that legal right of passage has the depth of impact on teenagers today that we all hope it would...And of course, I am not saying I am much more mature than the next guy, especially my age (I'm in college for heaven's sake), but to able to see growth in my life in this way is huge for me...Weighing my "manliness" against the Scriptures and not the world was something I needed to learn how to do...

Growing up I didn't feel like I fit in most places, and frankly I was awkward as heck...I didn't have any friends really, save for my hockey team, but we only hung out during hockey things mostly...I entered a new high school after transferring from private to public and the awkwardness amplified...But, God decided that was the time to throw some friends into my life who would show me Him (God uses people to do His work and accomplish His will)...Once I found Him, I decided I was now to show Him to the world, with the passions He placed inside me, and I am still finding out what those truly are today; refining my view of them and growing in them...Frankly, even five years ago I would not have guessed the passions I have now were to be...

Who you are now is not who you were three years ago, and who you are now is not who you will be three years from now...We are constantly changing and molding, either to whom God wants us to be more of, or to whom the world wants us to be...There is no middle ground...

So as I sit down and listen to music that brings up memories of everything from high school friends to distinct moments with God, and look at my writings that bring up the same, I find joy, happiness, and passion...The story that is me is one I would not change at all...I may regret past mistakes, however, I would not know Grace like I do and I would not be who I am now without those very mistakes...And just the same, I am thankful for every positive experience that has shaped me...I think I would call this being ok with who I am...I know there will be days when I feel as if I don't like me at all, but when I brush the thick lies away from my face and scream back at the voices telling me I have no purpose, I find peace in God, and God alone...

No one else.
Nothing else.
Do you get that?

My life story was and is written by God.

This does not mean I must walk a thin line mapped out by Him or I fail...It means He simply wants me...Letting me follow Him with those passions he has given me, beginning with Jesus Christ giving me and you The Greatest Commandment:
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Love God.

Love People.

Ok.

Quit complicating it and trying to argue it away. You are ruining your life and others around you when you do.

Also, actually take some time, sit down, and check out your life story...See where you have come from and take a peek at how God has been apart of it, whether is was perfect or painful...

:Sinko:

SOME QUOTES FROM THE BACK OF MY BIBLE:

"If your conversion experience hasn't changed your life, then has it changed your eternal destiny?"

"Spiritual breakthrough cannot happen until we stop worshiping the God we want and start worshiping the God He really is."

"Even a dead fish can go with the stream."

"Growth requires change."

"Satan fears only the weakest saint on his knees."

"Sin will always sabatoge prayer. Prayer will always sabatoge sin."

"God is attracted to weakness."

"Sin is anything that deadens your love for God."

"What is it you're doing that without God it would absolutely fail?"

"THERE WILL BE NO COWARDS IN HEAVEN."

Psalm of A Bare-Naked Man...

2010-12-14T03:09:00.006-05:00

First song I wrote in a long while...Cheesy sounding? Maybe...But I gave a shot at writing my own psalm...

PSALM OF A BARE-NAKED MAN

O Lord, as I look to the skies I can sense you here with me
I could not count the times I've allowed these fields to show your grace
Your stars tell tales of how you'll never fail; the night pours forth your praise
The heavens shout out, the angels scream out, "Holy is our God"

But forgive me God, for I reach out, I reach for what I hate
Wash me clean, have mercy on me, according to your great love

Create in me a purified heart; renew yourself in me
Cast me not away from this place you call your home
The depth of my being needs to come forth, so open up my soul
Wake me from my sleep and I will rise from this grave

Hallelujah to the King of Kings, the Lion inside my heart
Hallelujah to the King of Kings, the Lion inside my heart

Let this be a sweet, sweet sound

Bare-Naked Living...

2010-11-15T00:37:00.003-05:00

Ever had an accountability partner? Or someone you told "everything" to?

I have had several, all close friends of mine and people who are still in my life today.

It's funny, accountability works very well, except when it becomes a social event...When all you do is get together and talk about the surface stuff of life...

Within my accountability partners, I have had these moments...Times where I say what they want to hear...Times when I basically leave out what really needs to be talked about...

For the longest time I almost didn't even realize I was doing it...Putting up barriers and walls so it become instinctual to block someone out...

Then one day a friend of mine grabbed a hold of me and but right through those walls and barriers...He called me out on them...Told me to stop coloring my wording and get right to the root of it...He reached in a grabbed my heart and twisted, whether I wanted him to or not; and that was the point...

Here I was thinking I was a pretty blunt guy, and I am, except for that last little part of me I wasn't letting anyone see...Things I had hidden and justified away...

I won't forget that day. Ever.

But I still have to check myself when I talk to others, or myself, about who I really am...Even when I journaled, I found myself writing in such a way to look better...Now when I journal I even have to check what I wrote and make sure I am honest with where I really am at, not where I think I want to be in that moment...And who reads my journal? No one but me...But if I am not honest with myself, then how can I be honest with another human, or even God?

The most hilarious part of life is when we try to present ourselves to God in a manner other than which is true in that moment...As if we will trick Him into thinking we are somewhere and someone we are not...I still try to do it sometimes though; I still try to tell God I am living for Him and doing things for Him when I really, truly, am not.

I would now like to tell you that I have found freedom in honesty...

When I stopped justifying my life for my close friends when they asked, and started conversations on walks with God on a cold, dark, starry night where I would just tell Him how I really felt, where I really was in my life and relationship with Him, even if it was absolute garbage, I felt more alive...

Of course I am more naked and vulnerable...But that's the point...

The more I am this way with my close friends, the more they are the same in return; hence our friendship progresses to a deeper level...The same applies with God...The more I am honest with Him, the more I can let Him in my life and let Him do work on and in me...And the more I feel like a child talking to someone he loves...

In short, I could not express to you how honest you must be in your life...I will not say you should tell the whole world your darkest secrets, because I believe those are reserved for a few of your closest friends and God...And when I say close friends, I mean people who care about your soul and love you no matter what...This is not a conditional love either...When I found these friends I hung onto them, and it was the best decision I have ever made for myself...Don't settle for a friend who doesn't give two cents about who you really are...You are better off without them...

...And be yourself.

If you don't know who you are, ask God. Ask a friend. Then see if the two answers line up.

And if you need a friend who knows you deeply (a biblical mandate), then pray for one, and get some courage and seek one out.

If you really wanted it, you would make the effort for it.

But be honest on whether you really want it or not.

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load. Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor."
::Galatians 6:1-6::

We Are All Just Ragamuffins...

2010-10-24T23:27:00.003-05:00

I have been chewing on this for a few days...

"Over the years, the growing consciousness of radical grace has wrought profound changes in my self-awareness. Justification by grace through faith means that I know myself accepted by God as I am. When my head is enlightened and my heart is pierced by this truth, I can accept myself as I am. Genuine self-acceptance is not derived from the power of positive thinking, mind-games, or pop psychology. It is an act of faith in the God of grace."

::THE RAGAMUFFIN GOSPEL::
::by: Brennan Manning::

...oh how I want to live every day of my life in this Truth...

...where do I obtain my self-acceptance?

Pick A Title...And Then Run Away...

2010-09-25T00:39:00.007-05:00

I have these times, more often than sometimes sadly, where I feel out of reach...I think I have done something or gone somewhere where God can't follow me...Where I think I can't get back to Him for a little while...

How familiar is this for you: You "screw up" or sin in a "big" way, and then you feel ashamed and wait a few days or until you "feel better" about it to talk to God...

Well, it's familiar for me...And something I want no part of anymore...

I've messed up bigtime in my life...In ways very few, if any, of you know...Even after I found God in high school some of my old vices stayed with me and I did not trust God to deliver me through...I relied on the flesh and thought I could handle it...

This in turn has make me think a lot about grace in my life...I don't feel as if I should be coming to God with my crap sometimes...Like I have to follow a formula or be a better whatever before I can speak...But come on, we all know that is a lie ...For He is the author of our lives and is impossible to hide anything from...Satan will make you and I feel like we have no business with God over even the smallest thing...

But check out 1 Timothy 1:15-16

This is nothing most of us have not heard before...In our heads we know that Jesus Christ died so that we may live a crazy life...But do we believe it in our hearts? Do I truly let my head and heart knowledge connect?

See, there is no way Timothy didn't know what Paul was telling him here...Timothy, while young, was a leader in the church and knew that Christ died for sinners and rose from the dead, for that is the very foundation of Christianity...Paul didn't need to tell Timothy that...But he did...Why? It has to be important then...

See, Paul admits he is the worst of sinners, and he was, so to say...He killed people who died for Jesus, a man he would end up suffering for himself...But Paul recognizes the mercy he was shown in order for Christ Jesus to be displayed...Paul recognizes that he is but a mere tool used by God in this world to do His will, and he counts it as a huge privilege...

This "trustworthy saying" is the very hinge that Paul puts his life, and finds it important enough to state to someone who already knew it...

What do you already "know" that needs to be said and/or reiterated in your life? Do you need to be called out on sin that no one knows about? Do you need to sit and hear the gospel message again in order to find your roots again? Do you need to get away from people and sit in the middle of a field or on a hill watching the sunset and stars to remember that we are NOTHING, but God still chooses us and wants us...Maybe sit there and do nothing except silently worship while you stare millions of miles away...Or maybe just sit and listen...

See, Grace is something that is hard to grab...I think I need to earn my life...It's how I was brought up...But dang it man, it's free.

My times when I "feel-bad" and don't want to talk to God because I have "screwed-up big" are nothing for God to wash over...No way does this excuse me to abuse the grace again, but my pity feelings are such a slap in the face to God, so to say, that I may as well spit at the foot of the cross he was nailed to...

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.'"
2 Corinthians 12:9

So, I am weak. It is true. I have no power in my own self to withstand temptation.

But the same power that conquered the grave now lives in me.

And you too, if you have chosen to follow Jesus Christ until the day you die here.

There is NOTHING you can do to to get away from God.

NOTHING.

WE SEEM TO THINK THAT THIS ABUNDANT GRACE CANNOT WIPE AWAY OUR DARK SIN.

I don't care what you have done, who you hurt, and if God is the one you have hurt the most...His graceful love goes beyond what your human mind can hold onto...

Sorry you and I can't understand that fully.

You won't be able to.

So don't think you can.

Just accept it...Even if you hate free things, charity, or handouts.

Swallow your pride.

It's not worth keeping anyways.

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience and an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."
1 Timothy 1:15-17

Forget About His Will For Your Life...

2010-08-18T00:39:00.005-05:00

"I just wish I knew God's will for my life."

Hear these words before?

Speak these words before?

I have.

Here's the problem: as I search the Scriptures, I can find very few people who knew their life plan ahead of time in any amount of significance...

I wonder if maybe God doesn't care as much about His will for us as much as He cares about our hearts being abandoned to His Spirit...About us being open to hearing the Spirit and acting on it, rather than sitting in one spot, waiting for an epic voice from heaven to tell us our life plan, mapped out in front of our eyes...

Let me share my dream(s) with you. I would absolutely love, I mean absolutely love if I could be in a band with some guys, touring around, spreading the news of God in music scenes that do not hear about the love of Christ very often...I have a passion for it...I have a little God-given talent in it...But does God want me to do it?

Ah.

Here enlies a problem...with all of us...

We sit paralyzed in fear that we would make a mistake and accidentally miss God's exact plan for our lives and head down that "just not quite the will of God" road forever...So we sit and do not move...

But have you thought about the next twenty minutes? And what God wants you to do in that time? See, it seems safer for us to commit to God SOMEDAY instead of TODAY.

Living for God out of fear of disappointing Him or missing the mark is way off...Yes we should fear God in reverence, but we should not fear that we will let him down with our decisions in life...We are going to anyways...We are human...Living in fear of failure is the quickest path to uselessness...

Uselessness in the sense that people create their own plan, then ask God to join them on it...As if God is their puppet and "feel-good" button...No one in Scripture who is a great person in the Bible lived a safe life that required little faith and trust in God to work in crazy situations...

See, we are never promised a certain plan of action for so many years...But we are promised to never be forsaken or left by God...

Instead of searching for the will, we need to be searching for the Spirit.

Once again, my DREAM right now, is to take music and do something crazy with it and see God move through it...To write and "perform" only to show people there is someone greater behind it all...To hold a microphone and/or guitar and jump and scream around whatever stage area exists for that night...Is this passion and dream something God instilled in me? Or did I create it out of my fleshly desire?

But at what point does God stop caring about what you are doing as long as you are doing it completely for Him?

Don't get me wrong, I believe God has things he has ordained for us, He says so in Scripture...But He never promises to reveal them all at once, in advance...

Yes, trust is hard. Yes, patience is not easy to obtain all the time.

But you show me an example where God has let someone down in an eternal way, and I will say that trusting God is not worth it...

Until then, I will continue to chew on this "will" thing...

"Jesus Christ did not die in order to follow us. He died and rose again so that we could forget everything else and follow Him to the cross, to eternal life."
-"FORGOTTEN GOD" by: Francis Chan

Wake Up The Sun...

2010-07-22T15:00:00.002-05:00

It's like screaming your head off and no one can hear...

Actually, that's exactly what it is.

I can see the potential inside of me, but I can't get it to come out all the time...And then I wrestle with wondering if my vision of me is even close to God's vision of me...Obviously I can never see the full potential of what God wants me to be, nor would I ever know one hundred percent if I was there, but man alive do I want to live for more than I am sometimes...

I can feel something inside me that can change the world for Christ...Not in a selfish way, but under the grace and mercy of God, provided he chooses to use me in whatever endeavor I partake in...And what an honor it is to be used by God, for anything, big or small...

But do you get what I am saying? I've said it before...I want so badly to do something that is destined to fail unless God intervenes...

Sadly, I am not willing to be patient enough sometimes...I am not willing to be disciplined enough...I am not willing to quiet myself and listen...I am not willing to pour into His word to find my place in this grand scheme of life...

What a wretch I am.

But He saved this wretch.

He still wants me to do His work.

He still wants me to carry Him inside me.

But more importantly, He simply wants me to love Him, and love others.

See, I get ahead of myself...I want to do the "cool" "fun" work, without doing the "harder" more "disciplined" work...I want to have my cake and eat it too...

Yes He has grace and forgives me, but that gives me no excuse to sit and do nothing, expecting to be used for great things when I am not as willing as I say I am...

However, this does not change the fact there is a passion inside of me, and maybe you, to change the world...And by world, that could mean anything from the smallest of families to the largest of countries and continents...We could live our entire lives and never see the fruits of our labor...But would it still be worth it?

Of course.

There is no question.

But now we must wake up.

We must not sit down and be idle any longer.

I cannot sit down and be idle any longer.

We must rise from the dead.

I SIMPLY WANT TO BE ALIVE.

"Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."
Ephesians 5:14

The Summer Continues...

2010-07-07T22:13:00.004-05:00

Finally.

I feel like I am progressing and growing.

Not that I hadn't before, I think we grow everyday...I really do...But I have this problem with believing that I am moving in forward motion in my life sometimes...I tend to feel as if I am failing at something or I am failing to be someone...

I am my own worst enemy...Whether it is myself or Satan telling me that I am not good enough for what I do, I listen more than I should...

This summer though, has taught me a lot about myself, and how to lead and communicate...See, my normal means of communication are not the most effective all the time, and especially in the position of leadership I am in this summer...Different people means different personalities, and some of those personalities are different than what I normally have this close to me...

But let me say that it is not easy to adapt/change/switch/think differently...When I have those miscommunications or read a situation in a way it was not meant to be read, I get discouraged and think I am failing...Not true though...

I am a point where I have realized that all the hard times and all the times where I feel as if I am not doing well are times where I grow and learn the most, and where God gets to be involved even more...

Of course God should be involved in every second of my life...But sometimes I don't let him in, or I take charge for awhile and think I know what is best...

But my track record when I take charge of my life and end up successful turns out to be a big zero.

See, my lack of confidence in myself does NOT come from God...That would be against His nature...There is no way God wants to make me feel like an ant...I feel like that already when I look at the stars...He wants me to recognize my weakness though, and let him become the strength in that...

I know I will continue to be pushed and stretched as the summer progresses...I know I will have hard days, and days where I feel ineffective...But I know I will also have days where I feel on top of the world and like I am right where God wants me...

Either way, God is in control...

Whether you believe it or not.

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:10

He Must Believe And Not Doubt...

2010-06-14T23:27:00.005-05:00

My first week of my summer job is done...Six or so more weeks to go...Our first camp was a great time...We met some amazing people, lead worship for the whole camp, and hung out with a ton of kids...Once again I found myself looking around and going, "I'm getting paid to do this?" It's great :)

My last post was on how I wondered if I was going to lead well, and if I was going to lead in a Godly way and be a Godly example for everyone...Even just a week into this, I have a better perspective on it...While I still wonder if I am leading my team in the best way possible sometimes, and I still wonder if I am serving God with my whole heart, I take comfort in the fact that it's ok to not know everything before God...It would take out the entire awe of being a created being if I knew...

This past week I was asking myself how I was going to lead this team I have been placed in charge of, and it just so happens I was in James...I made in 5 verses in and God decided to show me how that was to happen...James 1: 5-8 is what is hitting me over the head this week...

I am told that if I would like to know how best to lead this team, than I am to stop stressing out about it and ask God for the wisdom to do that very thing...

Oh.

And...

I am told that if I truly desire that wisdom, when I ask I cannot do it halfheartedly...If I really don't believe what I am saying, than I am not who I say I am...I blown around by life's circumstances and I double-minded and unstable in everything I do...

Well...

I suppose that simplifies it a bit...

Give it to God. Ask him for wisdom on the situation. Believe what I say.

Well then Jake...How much do you trust God to come through when you ask for it? Enough to feel good about yourself? Or enough to feel like you have no control and God is going to have to show up?

I would love to live the latter out...

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."
James 1:5-8

A Continuing Journey of Passionate Passions...

2010-06-01T02:37:00.006-05:00

Tomorrow I start my summer job.

I get to lead a team around the Midwest with seven other people and lead worship at youth camps for eight weeks.

I get to help be a counselor at some of these camps.

I get paid to do it.

What a deal.

Another journey begins in my life tomorrow, and yet I feel as if I am unprepared and definitely not qualified for what I am doing...

Maybe that's why I'm doing it.

And while a new journey does begin, it also is about to merge with the main journey of my life, meeting at the complex, yet simple intersection where hundreds of other roads collide and mesh to create the walking, breathing, living human being called Me...

It has taken me many years, and many hits upside the head to realize how much my life is a product of a grace-filled plan, and I am able to see how it is filled with my passions, my loves, and my gifts...What a privilege and humbling experience to be able to serve God in the areas I love...

I am fully aware that I am passionate about my passions because I was designed to be, but nonetheless it is an amazing thing I am able to be in that weave of loves...Especially over these next eight weeks, as I will combine many of those passions: Music, Youth, Ministry, Counseling, Camping, Outdoors, People, Sports, Mentoring, Acting Stupid, Acting Crazy, Worshiping Through Music, Jumping Off Things, Flipping Off Things, Laughing, Sleeping, Yelling, Singing, Teaching, Socializing, Meeting New People, Stargazing, Serving, Dying To Self...

Get the picture? See the intersection forming?

How a kid who can't sing well, is mediocre at guitar, has self-confidence issues, and has trouble keeping his voice below one hundred decibels :)...is called to do what I am doing this summer, is flat-out amazing from my perspective...
I do not state this for desires of sympathy and/or affirmation...That is the furthest from my intent...I say state this to put, at the forefront of this, a statement which shows God having to show up or the whole thing will fail...For the last few years of my life, I have wanted to do nothing more than something that was destined to fail unless God showed up...Of course, this does not excuse me from putting my full effort into the matter, and definitely does not excuse me from using my brain to make decisions...But it also does not excuse me if I try to do it on my own...

Thank God.

If but one human life is changed this summer, then I call it a success...

And why not.

Jesus cared for nothing more than each broken, frail life he encountered while he was on earth, and every other life that has ever been, and ever will be...

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13
(My life verse)

Wretched? Useable? Fruitful?

2010-05-24T01:30:00.005-05:00

For the last four years of my life, I have been a youth leader at my old youth group...I started with the teens when they were freshmen in high school, while I was only a freshmen in college, following them throughout high school...When I was a junior I took over specifically as the boys small group leader, which for me meant I could finally talk about guys stuff around them without worrying about girls hearing anything :)

That was the preface...

Tonight we had senior night, and all of them graduated from youth group...So I was able to say goodbye to them in the small group capacity in front of all their parents and some church members who attended the banquet we had...

I'm twenty-one years old...I was in charge of some spiritual development of boys who are barely four years younger than me...What a daunting task now that I look back on it...

Tonight all the seniors were able to share something about their experience with the youth group and thank people who helped them on the journey...It was really great to hear how all of them have grown and matured...

When my guys were sharing though, they singled me out...They told me that I influenced them...That I was a consistent person in their inconsistent lives...That I meant something to them...

It was as if four years of investment came to a single point in time in the cosmos and suddenly I realized that I did matter more than I thought...Now, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God doesn't need me, not at all...But tonight I saw how He used me...Not only for a single event for short time...But in many lives for a LIFETIME...

I heard their testimony for evidence, which is indisputable...Nothing can change what they or I experienced...

My thoughts are all over the place, which I apologize for...But what I want you to be able to see, is that you really do matter...

I stood there listening to people say that my life was intertwined with theirs for the rest of eternity...

That's all I need to hear...

Now, I don't presume to say that I am some amazing awesome teacher/leader/mentor...I honestly could give a laundry list of reasons of how I failed those guys...But that's not what they talked about...And that's not what God talks about...

What I do presume to say though, is that I matter in the kingdom of God on this earth...And so do you...If God can use a wretched, screw-up, idiot like me to affect a handful of teenage guys for the rest of their lives, then, my friend, you are used as well...Even when you don't think you are worth the dirt under your feet...

So wake up...And realize you are important in someone else's life/lives.

It is formally the end of my journey with these boys...

But don't think I won't visit them at college and crash in their dorm rooms, letting them know that their life is more to me than a program title at a church...

"Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them."
Matthew 7:20

We're So Far Away...

2010-05-02T01:06:00.004-05:00

It's simple really...

We fall down.

He picks us up.

Stop complicating it.

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
Ephesians 2:4-10

My Life at Four in the Morning...

2010-04-18T02:22:00.006-05:00

"WAKE UP O SLEEPER. RISE FROM THE DEAD."

...Those words haven't left me for two months, when I first REALLY read them...And how have I adhered to them? In my eyes, terribly...Still though, I feel like taking over the world when I read them...The problem enlies with the action to back up the emotion...

It's three-thirty in the morning...I'm in my dark dorm room...My roommate is sleeping, (or at least close to)...And I'm left wondering how I have let myself get to the point I am at...

Maybe I'm too hard on myself...Maybe I don't let God's grace cover me enough...Maybe having an earthly father who doesn't say "I LOVE YOU" has affected me in some area of my life...Maybe I see every flaw in my life and focus on it until I dislike myself...

Well shoot, that doesn't make any sense...If I focus on the problem, then it's like driving a car...If you focus on the ditch on the side of the road, your car will end up in the ditch...

Well...How many times has my car gone into the ditch?

A few weeks back my buddy Brad and I spoke at a youth weekend thing in northern Michigan...I decided to start the weekend off by telling the story of Job and how Job thought he knew what was best...

See, all this crap happened to Job that I'm not sure we could all handle...So he questions God's motives and asks where God is at...He doesn't renounce God, only questions Him...So then chapter 38 comes, where God replies to Job's questioning...In short, God calls Job out, asking...

"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you, and you shall answer me.
Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone- while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb,
When I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness,
When I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place?"

Wow...And there is another three chapters of God replying...Calling Job out...Questioning what ground Job has to stand on to question God...

Here's what I'm getting at...

God doesn't need us.

But He wants us.

But wait...I've screwed up hardcore this month...this week...this day...My confidence is the size of a peanut...I'm not worth using for anything meaningful...I can't even call my sisters once a week to tell them that they are worth much more than this world tells them...I can't even stop my struggle with lustful thoughts...Why in this world would I be used by God?

Oh wait...because 2 Corinthians says: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG."

Well crap...

Looks like God uses broken, defiled, small, weak people for His glory...

GOOD THING HIS GLORY IS THE GOAL.

Adieu.

Bí Thusa 'mo Shúile

2010-04-02T08:06:00.001-05:00

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Glorious....

2010-03-10T23:16:00.002-05:00

It's those nights...The ones where you can feel the air on your tongue...Feel it fill your nose when you breathe in...The thick night air...Then you look up and get lost...Lost in world you will never understand...Lost in a world that was created before you were even thought of by any human being...Each star seems to be there just for you...In that second, you feel a thousand different emotions and suddenly realize that there is more to life that you will never figure out, and you're ok with that...

You just want that moment.

In that moment, that brief window of time, God lives.

Don't worry about tomorrow.

You might miss what He just did.

I want to stand under the sky forever...But, I have responsibilities and obligations...I have a college degree to obtain...family to invest in...weddings to be in and help with...friends to share life with...

All of these are good things of course, but my boy-like nature just wants to stand in awe for awhile...

What is the balance between growing up and having faith like a child? I'm 21...I have no idea... I'm on my way to figuring it out more though...Everyday...

The journey is it...The people you meet along the way...The ones who attach themselves you your life as you cling to theirs...

Stop looking to the next thing.

Realize what you have in the here and now.

This very moment is sacred.

So stop and look up at night.

I don't care if you don't feel these emotions often.

It's time to start.

"Awe is a way of being in rapport with the mystery of all reality. The awe that we sense or ought to sense when standing in the presence of a human being is a moment of intuition for the likeness of God which is concealed in his or her essence. Not only persons; even inanimate things stand in a relation to the Creator. The secret of every being is the divine care and concern that are invested in it. Something sacred is at stake in every moment."
--Abraham Joshua Heschel

::::
I can feel the way you are and I want more
Like a warm summer rain or the quiet after a storm
Rain down on me your glory, Lord
Let my heart know the wonders of your ways
Cause I remember being lost and alone
But before you know, I find myself with hope
Hope to dream of endless fields
With waves of green and be taken away
I'm taken away with you

As I look up at the sky on this glorious night
I can sense you here with me
Oh, I couldn't count the times I've allowed this sky
To remind me that you are glorious
God, you are glorious
It seems every single day I'm amazed
At the way this world reveals your love
I couldn't ever find the words
To explain the ways in which you are glorious
God, you are glorious

::Ever Stays Red::
::"Glorious"::

Help! The Arm Of The Mighty

2010-03-07T01:46:00.001-05:00

Sing with me tonight
Let's tear open the skies and leave it all behind by singing this tonight
I would never leave you for a chance, for a moment
I would never leave you for a chance, in this lifetime
So leave it all behind...leave it all behind

::Life In Your Way::

Post Number One Hundred...

2010-02-09T00:34:00.006-05:00

My 100th post of my life on this blog...Wow...It's been awhile...Awhile since I last posted...And while since I started this shenanigan I call a blog...

Way back in 2006, my graduating year from high school, and my first year at community college, I decided to copy my good friend Jeremy, who started a blog when he went to Africa.

I had no idea what I was doing...I would just write whatever I thought was genius at the time, or copy other people's genius and call it my own...Most of this writing, then and now, took place after midnight (which is the time I say I think best) Ha...I look back now and see that some of what I wrote was really just plain dumb and not worth reading... :)

But throughout these years, I have developed something that I love to do...Something that sits in the very pages of my own journal and in the corners of my heart...My thoughts are mine, and hopefully God-inspired a lot of the time (and inspired with whatever music I listen to while I'm blogging, currently my musical choice is Sigur Rós), and I always hope to at least provoke one thought/idea/contemplation in one person's mind.

I never really knew how many people read this blog...I never wrote it for them anyways...But along the way God has brought some great people into this journey through my blog, even ones from around the world...One of the coolest being my friend Carly Dudley in Australia, whom I hope to visit someday...She started a blog called To Write Their Names In The Sand in honor of her stillborn son, Christian, and God has taken that blog and used it in more ways than I have ever seen anything else be used in my entire life...So many women and parents have been able to find support in the wake of their infant's death/stillbirth/miscarriage...Truly, this is and continues to be an insanely blessed thing...

I always wonder if I have been able to bless anyone with my words (hopefully the God-inspired ones)...Whether I have or not is not my concern though, although being used by God and being aware of it at the time is such a freakin' amazing thing to encounter...

I have thought about quitting blogging, especially on a note such as this, but then I slapped myself...I enjoy this. It helps me process what the crap goes on in my head. God gets the glory. I know at least one person in the world has been helped my at least one thing I have said. I simply love to write (sometimes I think i should have been an English major). I honestly don't care if another soul reads this (but it would be cool :)

Tonight I took a walk down the road and into the park by my college. To contemplate life. To talk to God. To listen. To think about how the last month of my life has been crazy and almost as life changing as when I began to follow Christ in the middle of high school. To think about how broken, feeble, and frail I am...Yet for reasons unbeknownst to be, I have been given the ability to be in a place I love and be myself, while influencing people around me...My family hopefully has seen something that is worth going after...I know that one of my sisters recently has...

All this to say, thanks if you read this...If you read it on facebook, go to my actual site and check out some of the links I have to other people's/organization's blogs and websites...These people are God-gifted with plenty to say and plenty of action to back up what is coming out of their mouths...

Adieu.

"Tell God you are ready to be offered, and God will prove Himself to be all you ever dreamed He would be."
-Oswald Chambers

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me."
Philippians 2:14-18

Molding...

2010-01-06T23:57:00.006-05:00

We feel the need to define ourselves in life...By what we wear, by who we know, by what title we have...Our need to feel better about ourselves seems to override the truth about ourselves...A snowball effect then occurs...Maybe we don't realize it, maybe we don't see it, but in time our life becomes more about outside forces than internal ones...Our gratification comes from seeing physically instead of seeing with our hearts...

But what happens when we no longer have those clothes, friends, or positions? What happens when what we are defined by is gone? Does a swift wind blow and knock us over? Do we have enough resolve and character backing these things up to be able to stand when we are all alone? When no one can see?

Do people truly see who we are?

When all is stripped away, and you no longer have what you thought you had...And you no longer can be who you thought you wanted to be...When you are put down a path where you had to mature and be honest about where you stood in this expanse of a universe we live in...Will you accept the opportunity to grow, even when it looks nothing like that? Will you become stronger in the ideals you stood for?

Will you be open to how God is going to mold you, even when you don't like it?

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God."
Romans 8:18-21

"The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out."
Proverbs 10:9

Potential...

2009-12-28T01:27:00.005-05:00

We all have it in us...To what degree I cannot fully say for everyone, even myself sometimes...I hear all the time that I have it in me, even more than I let on...I see it in other people, and I see them fall well short of it...

To define exactly what the word entails proves more difficult than we imagine...See, things that are internal, and not physical, cannot be touched...They cannot be measured with a cup or ruler...They are relative, and in the eye of the beholder...The things that the human being is capable of when these elements are maximized is amazing...

The potential to do something is quite extraordinary...First we start with nothing, a problem...Then there comes along a solution...And it is up to the owner of that solution to contribute themselves to solving the problem or not...Now, how much they want to contribute is up to them, and how they want to go about it is also up to them...Free will seems to be the main theme, or at least it appears to be...

See, sometimes I think we don't give potential a chance...We aim low...We aim shallow...We aim blindly...There is so much inside of us that we don't even know is there...I would argue that we can get help to fully bring that potential out...We were created, and that Creator knows exactly how much potential we have in us...He knows more about ourselves than we know ourselves...He knows what we love, what we dislike...He knows what flavor ice cream we enjoy and He knows what movies we like...He knows what we really want, deep down in our heart, and He wants to help shape those desires around His image and His will...

Do you ever have these flashes where you can see yourself doing something that you have wanted to do your whole life? Or you imagined yourself becoming this person you dream of, this person who could change the world, or at least change a life...You imagine yourself as this person who is a rock, someone people come to because you turn them to Hope, to a Solution...Or maybe you see yourself just being plain satisfied with how you turned out someday...

Is there ever an end to the work? Can the "dream person" really happen?

I don't think there is an end...I don't think there is this definitive point where we can stop and be done with working on ourselves...This "dream person" we see ourselves as someday, it is attainable...Sometimes I think the flashes are God letting me know that we still have work to do together, and that He is more than delighted in digging in deep, rolling up the sleeves and going at it...

This doesn't mean who we are now is bad, or less than the attainable...It just means we are on a different stepping stone in life...

I have begun to learn that we have to start picking our eyes up from looking down at our feet to make sure we don't slip off our stone...We have to pick our heads up and trust that God will guide our foot to the next step...This is not to say that we go blind all the time, that we don't take responsibility for our feet...Instead we grab Help's hand as It holds us up as we pursue the Truth of our desires and loves...

We are worth so much more than what we think.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me
You know when I sit and when I rise.
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down,
You are familiar with all my ways
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before.
You have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
Too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there.
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me,
Your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me',
Even the darkness will not be dark to you.
The night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being.
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place;
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Psalm 139:1-16

"SEARCH ME, O GOD, AND KNOW MY HEART.
TEST ME AND KNOW MY ANXIOUS THOUGHTS.
SEE IF THERE IS ANY OFFENSIVE WAY IN ME.
AND LEAD MY IN THE WAY EVERLASTING."
AMEN.

Quotes on Prayer...

2009-12-17T03:24:00.007-05:00

"Scripture is full of stories of people who brought their deep natural longings into the presence of God, and found them answered by being taken up within his purposes."
-NT Wright, The Lord and His Prayer

"We do not overcome evil by concentrating on overcoming evil. We overcome evil with good. We fight wrong desires best by replacing them with the higher desire for God. Hearts set on the kingdom and on the mission of Jesus give evil no lasting opportunity."
-Art Simon, Rediscovering the Lord's Prayer

Everything Starts Where It Ends...

2009-11-15T00:07:00.006-05:00

There is a place and time where you grab for everything and come back with nothing...When all you hope for and all you dream of can be seen in the distance, but stays on the horizon and sets with the sun as the day becomes night...When everything you want to happen becomes but a mere vision as you realize it is not what is best for the greater mass of humanity...For who are we to determine the stones upon which we step? We can choose them sure, but we didn't put them there in the first place...

Why are the emotions and feelings we have so disconnected with reality sometimes? We love what we love for a reason, that holds true, but we also do not get along with patience...When we feel as if we will burst, we hold back and keep it to ourselves, choosing to share little if nothing of what we truly feel...We are afraid to become vulnerable...We are afraid to fail...We are afraid that our true self is not good enough...We are afraid that our true self is our true self...For who we are and what we want to be is not in vain...Sure we're human and can be misguided, but we are who we are...

But we must start with today.

If we look ahead too far, we miss the grace offered in the very breath we take every other second...No matter if we hate or love that very moment...We are not accidents...We are on purpose...

We struggle everyday to believe what we tell ourselves is truth...We struggle every day to believe in what Truth is...We have believed what a temporal source has said about eternal matters...We have believed our own worst enemy sometimes, ourselves...

We see life as a timeline, with a start and an end, with a little fluff in the middle...But maybe we should see life as a winding road...A path that never stays in a rigid, structured line...Climbing over mountains, jumping off cliffs, running in a field, sitting and starting as the very expanse above that seems to give even more freedom to the journey than could ever be conceived at the beginning...Where we get lost in our thoughts, and lost in the wonder of how we found ourselves without ever speaking a word...Without ever hearing a word...In the quiet of the nothingness we see a light...And then a few more...Soon the nothingness is alive with the breath of a Creator, and our breath in gone...We no longer feel that we are worthy to breath the very air surrounding us...

This is the place where we truly find ourselves...

This is where we no longer live for anything but what can fill us whole...

This is where we started.

This is where we live.

This is where we end.

"SOMETHING SACRED IS AT STAKE IN EVERY MOMENT."
-Abraham Heschel

Sweet, Sweet Sound...

2009-10-24T10:41:00.006-05:00

Oh Lord
Come whisper to me in my sleep
Come pour yourself out over me
Will you draw near?
Oh Lord, you're calling me back to your heart
Restoring the innocence lost
Will you draw near?
I pray

Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound

Oh Lord
Remember your call to your own
Remember your promise to come
Will you draw near?
Come pour your life, oh this offering, all over me
Come with your grace that is cleansing and restoring me
Come with your angels, cover the earth
And hear your people sing of your worth

Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound

It's your voice I hear calling my name
It's your grace that pours out like the rain
It's your hand that erases my shame
It's your word that is everlasting

We lift our voice to you
A sweet, sweet sound in your ear Jesus
We raise our voice to you
With one sound, to you
We rejoice

Let it be a sweet, sweet sound.

::The Glorious Unseen::
::"Sweet, Sweet Sound"::

Patience...

2009-10-07T00:25:00.011-05:00

Theme from my life lately: Patience.

Not that I have lived in it one hundred percent, but more so that I realize that this is what I am going to have to hang my hat on for awhile, probably the rest of my life...In my last post I talked about all the desires and wants I have, and how I'm not sure what to make of all of them...There are so many things I want to do and be, and even just tonight another opportunity for a great summer job came my way...It seems that I have so many options in life, but have no freakin clue what one God wants me on the most...

I'm not dumb...I know God has a plan...But I'm human...I want that plan now...I want all the things that I want to be, to happen now and/or soon...I want to tour in a band, be a youth pastor, be a camp director, be homeless, did I mention be in a band?

I feel like when you read this it seems to have the maturity level of a middle schooler...Maybe I'm right...It's not that I am approaching my dreams with a sense of the carefree...I realize that my plan is not God's...

And I'm having a heck of a time realizing that school is where I'm supposed to be, in the realm of academics...I love my classes...All of them...I just hate homework (who doesn't) I enjoy digging deeper into the meaning of prayer and the Bible...I enjoy learning about church history...But for some reason I just can't make myself sit down and do all the work the professors want done...I keep thinking of what I want to do when I get out of college and I forget that I am called to be in the very seat I am sitting in right now...

Patience.

Waiting on God.

Prayer.

All I have left.

We raise our voice to you
With one sound to you
We rejoice
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound.

::The Glorious Unseen::
::"Sweet, Sweet Sound"::

A little taste of what I get to do every Monday and Wednesday morning:

Sustain...

2009-09-27T23:13:00.003-05:00

Man, sometimes you just have those days...You ever have those days where you just feel emotional is every way you possibly can? About everything...School, future, girls, and everything that falls under it...For some reason I've been sitting there for a few days...This past Friday the band The Glorious Unseen came to my school (Spring Arbor University) for a worship night...It was soo great...These guys are legit and have their hearts in the right place...They sound what I have dreamed about my ideal worship sounding like for the last six years...To top it off they are super chill and were cool before and after the "concert"...

Since that night, I have realized just how large my desire is to tour in a band...As naive and immature as it can sound, I seriously just want to go and play music with a bunch of dudes after college...Share apart of who I am with people and have them connect in their own way with it...

I struggle with knowing if this is part of God's plan...Trusting Him is so hard sometimes...I'm sure maybe you know what I'm talking about...I know I don't the future...But I cannot deny that I have this innate desire in me for music...I know that desire is from God...I can't get away from that...And everytime I see a band live I just want it so much more...Especially after this Friday...The Glorious Unseen knows how to connect with the emotion and the little nuances behind the music...The little things that cause us to worship God in a raw, authentic way...Not that they are the only ones getting it right, It's just that they are on the top of my list...

I love music. I love playing guitar. I love people. I love sharing who I am. I love sitting with my eyes closed while listening to music, going to a place that I know cannot physically being touched...

Matthew 6:33 is a staple verse for me right now: "Seek first his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

So hard to believe one-hundred percent of the time...

If I scream Your name again
Will you reach my bloody hands?
God I'm holding on to You
For You can make me new
If I scream Your name again
Will you reach my bloody hands?
God I'm holding to Your arms
I've been holding on so long

::The Glorious Unseen::
::"Sustain"::

The Paradox of Prayer...

2009-09-17T18:53:00.002-05:00

This Henri Nouwen quote is what one of my classes this semester has as included content...The professor believes without a shadow of a doubt that prayer is central to anything else in the Christian life...Everything else falls under prayer...I really hope to fully be in that mindset by the end of the class...Prayer is admittedly one of my weakest points as a followers of Christ...

"The paradox of prayer is that we have to learn how to pray while we can only receive it as a gift. It is exactly this paradox that clarifies why prayer is the subject of so many seemingly contrasting statements. All the great saints in history and all the spiritual directors worth their salt say that we have to learn to pray, since prayer is our first obligation as well as our highest calling. Libraries have been written about the question of how to pray. Many and men and women have tried to articulate the different forms and levels of their impressive experiences, and have encouraged their readers to follow their road. They remind us repeatedly of St. Paul's words: 'Pray constantly' (1 Thes. 5:7), and often give elaborate instructions on how to develop an intimate relationship with God. They say that we cannot truly pray by ourselves, but that it is God's spirit who prays in us. St. Paul put it very clearly, 'No one can say, "Jesus is Lord" unless he is under the influence of the Holy Spirit' (1 Cor. 12:3). We cannot force God into a relationship. God comes to us on his initiative, and no discipline, effort, or ascetic practice can make him come. All mystics stress with an impressive unanimity that prayer is 'grace,' that is, a free gift from God, to which we can only respond with gratitude."

-Henri Nouwen, Reaching Out, p.123-124

Twenty-One...

2009-08-06T13:21:00.007-05:00

I wrote this song last night...Right before I turned twenty-one...I've come a long way in twenty one years, and a good chunk of that in the last five or so...Here is a part of my story...

"Twenty One"

From the very first day out here
I was so small, so weak and so pure
And then life left from there
I lived without my heart in yours
For myself and only me
But in that corner I met you

Thank you for the twenty people that I've met
Thank you for the twenty places that I've been
Thank you for the twenty faces that I've had

As I sit and look back now
I can see that the path I walked
Was for me and only me
I'm sorry that it took me so long
To get here
But for what it's worth
I'm glad to be me

Thank you for the twenty people that I've met
Thank you for the twenty places that I've been
Thank you for the twenty faces that I've had
Thank you for the twenty sunsets I've seen set
Thank you for the twenty stars in the sky
Thank you for the twenty footsteps that I've had

And if I left tonight
I would be ok with me
Because you are in me

Thank you for the twenty times that we've met
Thank you for the twenty things that I am
Thank you for the twenty-one years I've had

Wellspring...The End.

2009-08-03T23:23:00.013-05:00

So the end is here...My summer job/ministry/calling/life is over...for now...

This summer brought out a lot in me...Good and bad...I grew as a musician, a friend, a brother in Christ, a speaker, and a Christ Follower...

God grabbed me by the suspenders in the middle of it all and thrust me into my calling even further when I was the youth speaker at a camp, and then threw more opportunities at me as the summer came to a close...

I met some fantastic people...Awesome men and women sold out for God, admitting their weakness as a human and strength in Christ...I was taught by some of these people how to be myself and own up to how God created me...

I broke a barrier I had in trusting God's faithfulness and my honesty in prayer...

I realized that just when I peg someone as something, they drop to their knees and raise their hands towards heaven in surrender- to the music I am playing for God...Probably one of the most humbling things I have ever experienced...

As the summer went on, I realized how much kids looked up to me to see what a Godly man looks like...I didn't take that as pressure, I took it as an opportunity to be in God's plan in their lives...God opened and shut my mouth at just the right times...

Guys, I was apart of something this summer that is no better or worse than what you did...I am simply glad that God was in the center of it and that I was able to be apart of the process...Who am I? What makes me qualified to be in the middle of God's plan in this way?

NOTHING.

That's the beauty of grace...

To go back to who I was would be a disgrace to the name of Jesus Christ...

"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you as an example, that you should follow in his steps."
1 Peter 2:21

πάντα ἰσχύω ἐν τῷ ἐνδυναμοῦντί με

2009-07-24T15:46:00.006-05:00

One more week till the end...

I'm sitting in the staff lounge at Covenant Hills Camp in Michigan on one of the most comfortable couches my butt has ever touched...This week has been great...We play for the youth in the morning and we had a worship concert on Wednesday...That was so much fun and so cool to be able to play with that many people around worshiping with us...

With only one week left I'm starting to reflect on the last six or seven weeks...How much I have been blessed with and how much I was able to be apart of...I also realize I have been apart of things that I have no knowledge of...I still have never been able to help anyone receive Christ directly...But I am content in knowing that I have been a piece of the puzzle for some...Maybe in a line of fourteen I am number six or number ten...Who cares...As long as they see Jesus...

I am happy with where my mindset is with God...This summer has taught me to break down walls of doubt and walls that made me second guess my motives...I have started to just tell Satan to shut up and really believe that God can protect my heart and mind...This may be elementary and trivial, but it's something I needed to conquer...

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
Philippians 4:11-12

Sanctitatis...

2009-07-17T18:41:00.007-05:00

So this week went well...I was the speaker for the youth at the camp we are at this week...

Who am I? That is what was running through my head all week...God spoke through me this week guys...It was awesome to see how the teens responded as the week went on...We didn't do any altar calls or anything like that...I would have loved to, but with the service being in the morning the kids already didn't pay attention half the time...But I tell you, I loved it...I was sitting in a coffee shop half the week for internet doing research and looking up the New Testament in the original Greek language...And I loved it...I'm a nerd...Diving in like that and preparing a week's worth or stuff was awesome...

It was great to have the free time this week to do it too...Being at a family camp gave the whole team time to rest, which was well needed...Awesome to see God's plan for our summer in that way...

But I've been fishing around in this calling as well...I know I am called to youth and maybe college age ministry, and speaking this week has helped affirm that calling and also made me realize I love to stand in front of people and bring the Truth on...With my personality, I don't like to beat around the bush, even if I may say something that someone is not the fondest of...So this week I did just that...I told it like it was, and it went over well...God shone through...

If you prayed for me this week, thanks so much...God is faithful eh?

"God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called."

The guys on the team:

A Calling Explored...

2009-07-11T18:30:00.004-05:00

So it's been awhile...Hard to get internet often and have enough time when we do to post here...

To catch you up...My summer job is touring around in a worship band to a different camp every week...

It's been a wild and fun ride so far...I'm still in awe everyday that I am getting paid to do what I do...It really makes me look at the future and want to really make sure I don't have a desk job...I would be ok with the traveling lifestyle for sure...The last few camps have been really different but good in their own right...We were at Sky Lodge in Wisconsin a few weeks back and I loved it...We were counselors as well as playing the music and I didn't know how I would handle the little free time, but I was fine...Living with and investing in the kids' lives was so rewarding...It fits who I am and what I want to keep doing with my life...The boys in my cabin were all solid and really wanted to make a difference in the world, especially one of the kids...I got to spend some extra time at night one on one with him and talk with him...Seeing how young they are and how they want to do so much is encouraging...

Last week's camp was way smaller and had a completely different style...A lot of the kids come from broken homes and less wealthy backgrounds...Most of them thought divorce was just another part of marriage...And some of the kids in my cabin were awesome too and had a desire to be more than the average Joe...They wanted to look different than the rest of the world...

The camp this week will be way more laid back...It's a family camp and we don't have to be counselors...Free time will be higher than average...For me it will mean preparing for the next day...I am the speaker this week for the youth...Everyday I speak after we lead worship...I feel like this a step towards the calling I am living in right now...For now and for the future...I understand the gifts God has given me and I am excited to explore this one even more...I love to share God and the Bible to anyone, especially to a room full of half-attentive students...

But I ask you to pray, if you believe in it, for me...I'm pretty sick right now and have been for a few days...I just honestly want to speak God's words and truth...So whether I am in good health or not is secondary, although it would be nice to not feel weak and have a fever everyday :)

Peace and Love in Christ,

:jake

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in an and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Phillipians 4:11-13

For Lack of a Better Title: Wellspring 2

2009-06-30T16:19:00.003-05:00

Sooo sorry it has been so long for a post...It's been hard to get good internet and free time to be able to post...

I'm in my third week of going to camps and playing the worship with seven other people...We form a band called Wellspring...This job has been awesome...The previous two camps gave us a lot of free time because we weren't camp counselors, just the band...So we hung with kids whenever and practiced a ton...Musically our band is pretty tight, as well as friendship-wise...Everyone in the band has a similar mindset and it makes things soo much better and easier to work with...

These last three weeks have been the coolest and in some ways hard for me...I am living my dream job...But I am also struggling with staying focused all the time...I am not 100% sure where my role is on the team all the time...It's not really because everyone else fills every role I have ever had either, although that IS part of it, the main reason is my lack of identity I have gained from Christ...Not that Jesus has changed at all...I have just lost some of what has made me who I am...

In a few weeks I am the speaker at one of the camps we go to...If you read this, I need prayer...I know God is here...I just seem to be missing a gear once in awhile and can't quite put my finger on it...When I speak I want to be filled with The Spirit and say what He wants me to say...And everyday I want to do what He wants and minister to these kids in the way He wants...

Time is short and I must go, so more on this later...Thanks for reading and don't worry...I am having a great time!

Peace and Love in Christ,

:jake

WELLSPRING...

2009-06-11T21:30:00.005-05:00

So...Here begins a journey...For the next 2 months my job is traveling around Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, and Wisconsin in a worship band...We go to a different camp every week and lead worship and help as camp counselors...Basically I am on tour with some of the coolest people ever...We have been training this whole week, working on songs and sitting in meetings about camp stuff...Our name is Wellspring...

Logistics and technical stuff aside...Oh my word what a great opportunity I have this summer...This is like a dream job for me...I love to play music...I love to worship God...I want to maybe work at and/or own a youth camp...Once again, right up my alley...

Basically it comes down to this though...I have been in a lull/rut/hole/whatever is the last bit...I have lost who I once was...

Not that I am looking back to the past trying to relive it, but more like trying to find God in THIS VERY MOMENT...

So here is where I ask for a favor...I don't care what you believe, but I would appreciate it so much if you would pray for me...Guys, I HAVE to be transformed more by Christ than I let Him...No more settling for getting by...It's time to step it up and be who God intended me to be...

I want to be myself, but a more sanctified version of myself...

Right Here. Right Now.

The journey begins.

I want to look in the mirror and see the mold I create to not be one of myself, but the reflection of Christ...

"SOMETHING SACRED IS AT STAKE AT EVERY MOMENT."
-Abraham Heschel

The CO...

2009-06-07T14:03:00.010-05:00

Wow...What a trip to Colorado...Had a great time...Jerm and I drove out and hung out with Abe for a few days...Whitewater rafted, 4-wheeled up a mountain with Abe's 4Runner at 1 am and talked about life for a few hours, and played my guitar 12,000+ feet above sea level on top of a mountain...Great to see Abe in the place his heart is and see the maturity this past year has brought the kid...Funny how all of us friends want to change the world somehow...Good to spend time in the car with Jerm too...Had so many discussions about God, Faith, and Religion that I wouldn't even know where to begin...I guess with twenty hours in car, you tend to talk about stuff below the surface :)

Here's some pictures from it...

Off to the CO...

2009-05-30T22:26:00.003-05:00

So me and my buddy Jeremy are taking off here pretty soon to head out west for the week...Stopping in Kansas for a night at one of his friend's houses and then off to Colorado the next day to see our buddy Abe who works at a whitewater rafting company called Noah's Ark...

Should be a great time...My family used to go out west all the time for vacations every summer and I loved it every time...There's something about the smell out there...The mountain air is like home...I miss it and am glad to be heading back there for the first time in a few years...

On a different note it will be the last time I have time to myself until I leave for my summer job, which consists of touring in a worship band and being a camp counselor at every camp we go to for that week...Definitely gonna take advantage of the quiet time and hopefully reconnect with God on a few things that I have let go lately...

Anyways, hope you all have a good one and I'll let you know how it goes...

:jake

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
Matthew 6:33

And just for you Abe-

My Name Is Peter...

2009-05-18T01:27:00.004-05:00

Oh how often we identify ourselves with people...People we have known, people we have heard about, or people currently in our lives...When I read a story, especially one in the Bible, I often do just that...When Jesus was pissing off the Pharisees because he was merciful to the lowly and poor, I thought at times I was the lowly and poor that Jesus has compassion for...After awhile I realized I was dead wrong...I was the Pharisee. I am the Pharisee.

Funny thing, I'm watching Prince Caspian as I type...I have realized how much I am like Peter; in the book/movie, and in the Bible...I feel like I have it under control and I feel like I'm fine...I take charge and imply my own set of standards and rules, thinking I know best how to handle something...

Then I fail.

Hard.

The worst part is...Sometimes I don't feel bad...Sometimes I don't care enough that I failed...

There is a scene where Peter sits in front of a statue of Aslan...This is after he has tried a slue of things on his own, making his own decisions for whatever he thought was best...They were all made with emotion and little decision-making time...Well, Peter sits there and wonders how his sister trust even when it seems like Aslan is not there...Like Aslan had abandoned them...Aslan didn't abandon them though...When Peter asks Lucy how she knows that Aslan is real and alive, he begs for proof...Lucy's answer haunts me: "Maybe we're the ones that need to prove ourselves to Him."

I want to be so many great things and do so much...But I am unwilling to prepare in the way I have been asked and commanded to do so...I fall and fall and fall and feel no remorse...I set myself up for failure...I watch as I lead myself down the wide path...I am my own worst enemy...

I give credit to the evil...I let it have a personality, a mind of its own...Letting it take root in my heart and grow from a seed...I listen to its whispers and its chants...I let it have my feelings and senses...I let it have me...

How minuscule and incomplete my understanding of grace is...Not grace because I want to feel better after I fall...But Grace because I want to understand life before the fall...

I want to recognize that the hole can never be completely filled with black...

I want to recognize that the hole can only be completely filled with RED.

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."
Philippians 3:7-11

Seven Second Chances

2009-04-20T10:27:00.003-05:00

So my friend and band mate Brandon recently shared this story on his blog on facebook...I think it's straight up awesome and so I want to share it with all of you...So here it is, word for word...He speaks wisely in this...
God works folks...Period.

"Seven Second Chances" -Brandon McCarrell

"Do you believe in second chances? I sure do... but do you believe in getting seven chances at something? Ya, sounds totally ridiculous right? Most people do not get even a second chance at things such as school, a job, a relationship, even life. But that is the topic of me writing this... LIFE.

God gave humanity Life through Adam and Eve and let it prosper, but we have also seen his awesome power take many lives away... For some reason I don't think he wants to do that with mine.

As most of you know I have been... in a way... blessed with numerous medical issues. Now, do not get the wrong impression that I like all that has gone on in my life because believe me 25 major operations, hundreds of procedures, and countless tests is not something I would wish on anyone, because it is not fun at all. But these obstacles have molded me into the person I am today. Through others I know I am meticulous, caring, I persevere, work hard, am loyal, and love family and friends etc... through all of this though; forcing me to grow up fast, and make hard decisions has only brought me closer to God, or at least given me a deeper understanding of the importance of Faith in ones life.

Above, as I listed a short summary of what I have been through I left out one detail... the second, third, forth, fifth, sixth... chances... not at a job or some worldly experience, but Life. No not a life in Christ, but actual, breathing, heart beating Life. For those of you who do not know already, this past week I had another run-in with my body trying to stop working... On Wednesday I went in for one of my routine, every 4 month IV Iron infusions, but things did not go as smoothly as they normally do. The doctors wanted to try a new drug that they could administer over a 3 hour period one time... not the 2 one hour treatments I normally get. So as things were going normally, I then felt a burning in my ankles and had some joint pain... Knowing the joint pain was normal I blew it off... Then I Blacked Out... About halfway in I had an Adverse Reaction to the medication and my body seized... As I came to with six doctors around me I was then given a heavy dose of Benedryll... At this point I feel great, well that was the meds talking... My parents were called and my dad was able to be by my side! An hour later as I was about to get the Ok to head home... I started to feel weird and Blacked Out again, but not seizing. I was then induced with a huge amount of steroids to stabilize my bodies reaction the the IV Iron... After the second attack, my mother then was able to come up and sit with me and talk to the doctors. After waiting it out another hour... had been there from 8:30-3pm already I was feeling Ok, able to walk, and was good to go home.

I am not writing this so you guys will be like... Oh Crap, and feel guilty or pity for me... not at all... but more because I amazed myself...

That day I was supposed to have band practice with my two bands and the next day, Thursday, I was supposed to have Fitness Class, 2 other classes, then work. Now, some would have taken the rest of the week off to recover... because every joint in my body was stiff and sore, I have felt dizzy since then, and am on steroids till this Tuesday... so, it would have been understandable... But somehow I did not care what had just happened... I mustered enough energy to get through the band practices, fitness class, and 3 shows with my bands this weekend!

Some may see this as being stubborn, or thinking of others before myself, but I feel like I recover faster if I stay active or keep my mind off of what happened... Also, it was just only a few days ago that I truly understood how Lucky I was to walk out of there.

I was told by a friend that, "God wants you here for some reason, you may not know yet, but not everyone would have made it through half of the things you have been through." This is the reason I think I did not cancel anything this week, or just sit on my butt and relax... God has given me another chance at Life... at making a difference in someone else's life through my testimony, my struggles, my music, or even just how I live my life... And I want to do this to the fullest of my ability.

Because not everyone gets "Seven Second Chances"

They're On The Bottom Of The Ocean Floor....

2009-04-06T00:08:00.004-05:00

Wow...Got put in my place tonight...This past weekend hasn't been the best, but whatever, we all have a bad day here and there...Tonight I realized how much I have been thinking about myself, even in the past few days...In a bad way...Selfishness is the main theme I can think of for the last little bit...Today all I could think about was myself and I pretty much threw a pity party without even realizing it...I thought I deserved more than what I had...

First of all I deserve nothing, which is why grace is flat out so amazing...

It's nuts how much we stop loving ourselves and believe lies for so long...It's crazy how we think we are supposed to be happy/joyful/peaceful/excited/etc...And then we feel guilty when we get these things...What a lie...Jesus shed his blood so we don't have to...We have such a small obscure view of God and grace...We try to put it all in a box and then get mad at God when he doesn't fit into it...

I love how when you pray and really feel like you have no business talking to God, that he brings forth words from your mouth that seem to be the perfect words for the time...

All I could think of tonight was this song...It was the song that really impacted me when I first became a Christian five years ago...I will always hold a place for this song...

The Mistakes I've made
That cause pain
I could have done without
All my selfish thought
All my pride
The things I hide
You have forgot about

They’re all behind you
They’ll never find you
There on the ocean floor
You sins are forgotten
They’re on the bottom
Of the ocean floor

My misdeeds
All my greed
All the things that haunt me now
They’re not a pretty sight to see
But they're wiped away
By a mighty, mighty wave
A mighty, mighty wave

Your sins are erased
And they are no more
They’re out on the ocean floor

Take them away
To return no more
Take them away
To the ocean floor

Your sins are erased
There are no more
They’re out on the ocean floor

::Audio Adrenaline::
::"Ocean Floor"::

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."
Philippians 2:3

Music Speaks...

2009-03-30T00:28:00.005-05:00

Here's a song I wrote...I have been feeling this stuff lately...Sorry for not posting much either...Especially stuff of depth...I have a lot to say but little time to say it...But I will for sure try to get on that...God is good...That is constant...

I don't have a name for it yet...Working on that...

I've put my hope in broken things
I've put my hope in shattered things
And all these thoughts I have are mine alone
All these hopes and dreams are mine alone

Who am I that I might speak for You
Who am I that I might walk for You

I have all these things on my mind
But none of them seem to lead anywhere
My heart seems to be the only thing
That I can feel tonight

Who am I that I might speak for You
Who am I that I might walk for You

I can't go back
I won't go back
To the day I fell

Who am I

Desolate Earth :: The End Is Here

2009-03-19T00:14:00.003-05:00

You said
There was nothing left out here
Well I roamed around the wasteland

And I swear I found something

I found hope
I found God
I found the dreams of the believers
The dreams of the believers

Oh God, save us all...

Alone In The Wilderness...

2009-03-13T14:15:00.002-05:00

So, throughout this school year and especially since I got back from Cambodia at the end of January, alone time has been scarce...I am in charge of a freshmen floor at my college and the demands are high...Everyone has a need of some kind, which I am totally cool with...I signed up for the job knowing what I was gonna get into to some degree...The problem is, I have had almost no time for myself...I blame myself some for that, I definitely missed opportunities to get that when I could...But with spring break this next week and no students around, I have decided to get that alone time...I'm going to go backpacking in Shenandoah National park in Virginia for a week...During the day when I'm going to hike alone and then camp at night with the buddies I am driving down with...I am stoked and scared for the alone time...I don't know what God will say or even if he will say anything...I know it may take a few days to clear my head of all my thoughts too...

I ask that you pray, if you believe in it...I just need to hear from God or at least feel Him a little again...I know He is there, but discouragement has been a theme for a bit now...I feel like I am a terrible student leader at college a terrible leader for my high school small group guys...I know it's Satan, but the lie has deceived me on occasion...

One more prayer...A guy close to me lost his dad a few nights ago...The family has a heavy burden now...Pray for them...

So here I go...Into the wilderness for five days, semi-alone and ready to just be free...

-Sinko

My Head and Heart...

2009-03-03T01:19:00.004-05:00

Something has been bugging me lately about how I have been handling my relationships...Not just female, but those in particular I guess...I have had an agenda with them...This all sounds so middle-schoolish too, but with girls, I have maybe talked to them or given them attention not just to make friends, but for potential for a girlfriend someday...Now that I have been thinking about it, I don't think that is a good approach or a Godly approach...They are my sisters in Christ...Made in the image of God...

Why then, do I think like a middle-schooler? My first thought when I see my sisters in Christ are not honorable to them as such...Instead, I need to be looking at them as friends and people who can be a part of my life in such ways...

I've been in this place in my life where girls are on my mind all the time, and none of the time...I honestly feel like I am 14 years old or something...What's funny is that I just can't connect my heart and my head...In my head, I know that dating is not a necessity and that life single is great as well...I have lived in it pretty much my whole life...I love it...But for some reason, I can't tell my heart that I don't want to feel like I want to have a girlfriend...It's odd...

At the center, God is there...I know that putting this and any part of my life in his control is the only way to go...And I know that looking at His daughters with pure intent and a solid heart is the only way to go as well...He'll show the way for sure...

Man, reading this back to myself makes me think I have a longer way to go than I thought...Sorry if you had to read this and the maturity level was low...I'm not sure why...

Tonight The Stars Speak...

2009-02-21T01:52:00.002-05:00

My word...The stars...They speak with no noise...I am struck dumb...How does something so big seem so small, yet still make me feel insignificant? You see, sometimes I think I am pretty awesome...Sometimes I tell myself that I am really good at this thing called life and that I can do no wrong...These times are not Godly...These times result in one cocky, arrogant dude walking around...Man, I look back on those times and wonder who I am...How and why do I think that I am so special? Now I know that I am special to God and that I am made exactly how He wanted me to be...But I am talking more about me thinking that I am pretty big stuff around other people, whether it is true or not...Humility is something that I know I have had to work on and will need to continue to work on...Some of this may seem pretty elementary as far as a thought process goes, so let me expand...

It was a clear night in Indiana tonight...I looked up at the stars...The problem was that I merely looked at them...I didn't immediately go beyond the looking and into the wondering...You see, the stars are huge balls of gas millions of miles and light years away...Just stars...Well, here I am on earth, small and insignificant...I didn't ask for them to be there, they just were...Praise God in heaven I can stare up and be lost in something soo much bigger than myself...

I still am struggling to get what I want to say across, so let me try one more time...

I looked up and got slapped...Stars everywhere...Far away, but still there...There for me to look at and wonder...I has no answers for why I was able to see what I saw, but I saw God in this creation...I want nothing more than to serve God on this earth...Not God plus anything, but just God and God alone...God is so much bigger than I ever planned on Him being...The stars prove it...I'm small, but God still wants to use me and love me...He doesn't need me, He's powerful enough... but He wants me...What? Why? What love is this?

This place we live in is soo big yet we can't see past the end of our noses sometimes...Who are we? Who are you? Why do I get this feeling in me that I can't explain in words every time I look up at the stars? What is driving me to stay up at night and not think, but just wonder...This is worship...Sitting in wonder...Trying not to speak, but just listen in the vastness that surrounds us all...

Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have means nothing at all
Compared to your glory, Oh lord

How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelope me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please

My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak
I cry in your arms now
God grant me the strength to rest in you
I lift my hands and cry

::The Glorious Unseen::
::"Tonight The Stars Speak"::

Pain and Blankets...

2009-02-10T01:57:00.003-05:00

How do you combat evil when it hides itself in a sheet of pure white? Even when that sheet has visible stains on it...When someone is blinded by emotion and has allowed Satan to hold them fast, while Satan disguises himself in a blanket of lies...

Ever felt completely helpless? Like, truly helpless...To the point of knowing that if God doesn't show up, the whole thing is going to fall apart...Man it's a crazy place...

I have personally have been humbled...Thinking of myself is no option right now...Souls are at stake...

I know this post has mad no sense...So I will get to the end...

If you believe in it...I ask for prayer...Pray for a brother...He needs guidance and love...I will leave it at that...Pray however you wish from that...

Cambodia...The Last Days...

2009-01-19T01:41:00.003-05:00

Hey Mom! This may be the last email you get from me...We take off tomorrow night...But I hear there is free internet in Seoul so maybe not...We'll see...Anyways...
This past weekend we went to Siem Reap, which is the most touristy place in Cambodia...But it was pretty sweet...We visited temples there, the most famous being Angkor Wat, which was huge....One of the other temples was where parts of Tomb Raider was shot...My buddy Ben and I were like little kids hopping around all the ruins tryng not to get caught by tour guides who didn't want us on stuff :)... It was awesome...I can only describe these temples to you with pictures, so I will show you those when I get home...That night we went to dinner at a place that had traditional Khmer dancing...That was pretty cool...At the end I got my picture taken with one of the Khmer girls :)...One thing about Siem Reap that is bad though is that because it is a tourist place it also brings in the sex industry...There were a ton of massage parlours in the area, and they were not just for that...It was pretty bad to see like four guys sitting outside of one of these things at ten at night...We knew what most of them were there for...There is a lot of underage prostitution too, which a place like IJM, which I explained to you in the last email, tries to combat...
But overall it was a good weekend, even with long bus rides...Today we went to the national museum and say a lot of the art from the 11th century and so on...It was pretty cool...Tomorrow is our last day and we will say our goodbyes to all the awesome people we met on this trip...I have emails from some of them and hope to stay in contact...

This trip has been an amazing experience...I never though I would ever make it out of the country and now that I have I do not regret it...I came here thinking it would bring me out of my lull with God...I thought for sure something like this would shake me awake...It has some yes, but I realize I have to take care of stuff and be with God at all times and not rely on events and experiences to do that for me...I have now seen extreme poverty and seen what daily life is like outside the U.S...Through conversations with my teammates here I have begun the process to get rid of my ego and selfish ways...I have no idea what I will feel like when I get back home...But excited to get home too...I will be back Wednesday afternoonish and I will give you a call when we land...Thanks so much for sending my emails out to everyone and thanks for praying too...I may send you one more email in Seoul if need be...So get back to me quick if you want any info...Ok, I'm off...

Voohey::
::Jake

Here's some pictures from this weekend....

Cambodia Part 4...

2009-01-15T01:50:00.000-05:00

Hey Mom! Here's another email...

I can''t remember where I last left you, but I think it was at the end of last week...So, here is this week's news....
Monday we got to meet with the people at IJM (International Justice Mission)...We were lucky enough to be able to meet them at their headquarters here...It was so cool to hear about what they do...Here in Cambodia, they focus on the sex slavery and brothels and such...They have people who are undercover investigators who go in and rescue underage girls from the brothels here in Cambodia, with Phnom Penh (the city we stay in) being a big target...They not only rescue the girls, they care for them and teach them that they are valueable people...In the brothels they lose a lot of sense of themselves and face stuff I would only have nightmares about...Everyone working there is very smart and they don't make decisions without doing their homework....
Tuesday morning we went to an orphange named Happy Tree that is specifically for children with HIV/AIDS...That was awesome...As soon as we walked in the kids were all over us, just grabbing our hands and just wanting to be touched...It was pretty overwhelming at first...I brought my guitar out and I swear like twenty-five kids flocked to me...After I played for a few minutes I let them strum while I did the chords and played my harmonica on the harmonica brace you got me....It was soooo much fun...The kids loved it and just kept passing the pick around...There was also this kid I met named Mein there whom I got pretty close to...Near the end of our time he was dressed for school and he brought out his school supplies and workbooks from his backpack and showed me all his assignments and smiled and pointed to the pages he got 10/10 on...I knew very very little Khmer and he knew no english, but that barrier was completely surpassed by love and care and something as simple as a smile...
That afternoon we went to a place they call Rubbish Mountain, which is their dump...The crazy thing is that there are a ton of people living there in communities...We brought in some water and food to give away, and people just rushed to us to us and in a matter of seconds we had given everything away....Then we left...It all happened so fast I still can't process it...Now, I know there can be critics on what we did, and we were some of the hardest ones ourselves...We realize that just giving stuff away sometimes can be super selfsih on our part and relationships are where it is at...Those people will not be rescued from poverty by us visiting...They will be rescued by being educated or learning a trade and going somewhere with it...There was nothing wrong with what we did, but it was not the most effective, and we know that...There is so much we talked about pertaining to this I really cannot type it all...I will tell you more when I get back home...
Yesterday (Wednesday) we visted a place called RDI (Rural Development International)....This place was something I was really interested in...A chemistry professor at a college in Buffalo started this project to create water pots that filter water and a well drilling project....But he was different than the big organizations you hear about...They are not dumb...a lot of the time big organizations like UNICEF drill wells and don't test the water, resulting in something like 7% of their wells being contaminated in Asia....They more or less throw money at the problem...RDI staffs people who know what they are doing and do their homework on locations and then keep cost down on the projects so villages can split cost and afforda well or filter...They also create job opportunites for ladies with pottery and alos teach farmers how to have self-sustaining animal farms and help them start those...In the afternoon, we actually go to helkp make the filter pots and package them, which was cool...

But I have to go now, so sorry...I will try to get pictues up tonight if I can...Tell everyone I said hi!

P.S....I am going to the Royal Palace in 10 min... :)

Voohey::
::Jake

Cambodia...Part 3

2009-01-11T03:01:00.002-05:00

Hey Mom...Sooo nice to here about stuff back home...I did see those pictures Bobby posted...Looks like a good time...I really miss the ice and snow, hockey, and for sure burgers, ice cream, cookies, milk, sloppy joes, and cereal...Rice and tea are apart of me now...And I really wish I could have been there when Uncle Matt brought over all that venison and whatnot...But it's going good here too...

The days are definitely long and I am getting more tired...But it's ok...Since we last talked, I visited two places on Monday that were a place for children to go for school and meals and stuff...It was amazing...The kids were freaking cute and they loved to play with you and just be around you...I honestly didn't want to leave either place at the end of the day...
On tuesday we went to the U.S. embassy in the morning and got to meet with the second in charge here in Cambodia...We got to have a discussion and ask questions about what the U.S. is doing here and how that is taking place...For the most part they are doing ok, but politics were an underlying theme I could tell...That afternoon we visited some sweat shop workers at their home who were fired because they formed a union for better pay and treatment...When we were waling down the alleys to their homes I felt like I was on the Discovery Channel and we were in the documentary on third world countries...It was crazy...They were very nice ladies though and definitely had their head on their shoulders...We asked them how much they make and they said $50 a month...Even with the exchange rate thats nuts...Rent is $15-$20 a month for something even small...
Wednesday was a long day in the bus, but I got to see dolphins! We took a longboat out in the Mekong River and just chilled around while river dolphins came to surface within 15 feet of us...It was awesome...I was feeling sick that day and being out on the water with the warm breeze helped a lot...But I still had the runs for a few days after...Don't worry, I'm better now :)...
Thursday was a long drive too...We left from Kreche, where we were with the dolphins and continued on to Boung Long in the Rhotanakiri province...It definitely was nice to be in the country...The city was chocking me out some...Saw a pretty cool sunset too...We visited a village where the people don't have much contact with the outside and played frisbee with some f the teenagers for awhile...That was fun...It's amazing that even with the language barrier a smile and laugh can communicate just as well...
The day before last was one the best...We swam in a waterfall...It's was freaking awesome...I climbed behind it and we found a tunnel thing that we went a few feet down...So cool...Then that afternoon we went and swam in Crater Lake, which is an extinct volcano bowl...It was warm and a nice sunny day out...Perfect for the lake...Made me miss Michigan summers on the lake...

And God has been working on me these last few days...I have been pretty cocky and selfish and prideful lately...I've been reading a book called Crazy Love and it has helped me get back to the place I was at a awhile back with God...I am starting to go back to when it wasn't all about me and that is soo huge here...There are 15 of us and we get on each other's nerves sometime...But I have to remember that we are here together...And I am sooo ready for God to make himself more evident than has before...I have been in a lull and am sick of it...But pray that I find God here and that this last week, which seems like an eternity, can be all about Him...There are people here I can serve in these last days....I'm sick of living for myself...It has left me worn out and tired...

But I have to go...Time to go back to the hotel...I have been having a blast and this has been way worth it so far...Thanks for letting me go and tell everyone I said hi...I will write at least once more before we leave next week...So...until then...Joom Reap Leah!
Sorry... I will try next time!
Voohey::
::Jake

P.S....I tried to add pictures but the computer wouldn't pick up my camera...:(

Cambodia Part Two...

2009-01-05T05:38:00.000-05:00

Another letter to my mom from Cambodia :)

Joom Reap Sooa!
Hey Mom,
Greetings from Cambodia again...I have no clue where to start on telling you about all the stuff we have done already...Just today we went to two places that take in kids for the day and halp educate them and feed them and whatnot, and I couldn't have had more fun hanging out weith kids who had no idea what I was saying, and I had no clue what they said...I have sooo many pictures of them and every single one is freaking cute...The new camera is insane too...It takes pictures that make me look like a frickin professional...
Rice, Me, and Tea has become one...Not one day and rarely a meal will go by where I do not have one or both of them...I'm guessing by the time I get back a good old burger on the grill at home is in order... :) Oh, and I am keeping a journal...We have to for this trip to get credit...

Over the past week or so I have taken a ferry across a huge river...ridden on a bud down the bumpiest road in the hisotry of humankind at eleven at night while trying to sleep and sitting in the back past the rear axle (not fun)...Eaten at a ton of restaurants that serve many different things...Gotten to know some of the college age guys from here at the nearest church and they were real cool...played Amazing Grace on guitar with everyone from our trip singing for the church...Ridden in the back of a pick-up down one the busier roads in Phnom Penh...visited some families waaayyy out in the countryside and crashed a bridal shower where there were a ton of women and children that we hung out with for awhile...And it's different here with that...People love it when you stop by and just talk and visit...The sense of time is not like in the states where everyone is to the minute...It's a little easier going out here, especially in the country...Also, we went to the Toul Slang Museum and the Killing Fields where we saw some really heavy stuff...I learned so much about the stuff that went on in 75-79 here and I have never been more disgusted with humanity before...I have no idea how no one knew about Pol Pot and his regime...It was so sick and so bad here during that time...And reading stories from peopel that survived through the Khmer Rouge Regime is insane...Comparitavely and Ratio-wise, this was worse than the Holocoust...Cambodia lost 1/3-1/2 of its people in four years...We had a guide at the Killing Fields who lived through it and he quietly told us about his experience and about watching his family get killed and tortured...He was very brave and you could see hoe much it hurt him, but he wanted us to know...He wanted us to see what no one else knows a lot about...Of course emtionally I was charged and still am, but I feel I have to educate people on this too, in some facet or time...

And keep praying for me, for all of us, and for God in this country...There aren't a lot of Christians, but the ones I have met are so loving and kind that I am challenged to put aside my petty crap sometimes...I need to push throught junk and simplify it down to just love...I have been to legalistic and technical with my faith...Sometimes, not always, but sometimes it is as simple as God working and you loving...

So, I have to go again and it's dinner time, while Dad would just be getting up for work...Not sure when the next time is for internet so until then, joom reap leah! (goodbye in Khmer)
Oh, and I am really missing that cold weather and ice rink right now...Tell pop thanks for getting it back going again...And let my friends come over if they want to :)

Voo hey::
::Jake

Cambodia...Day One...

2008-12-31T05:40:00.001-05:00

So here is the email I sent my mom as I am sitting in an internet place in Phnom Penh, Cambodia...

Hey mom! I'm sitting here in some hole in the wall internet cafe shop thing on the busiet streets I have ever seen in my life....I don't have my cable to upload photos or I would show you some of the stuff I have seen so far...It's still surreal for me...We got here safe and I decided 20 hours of traveling kinda sucks...But I did sleep more than I was awake on the plane...I would have called right now too, except I am 12 hours ahead and it's 5 am there...So maybe next time I will call, but that won't be for awhile...And sending a postcard home is almost pointless because by the time you get it I will be almost home, so I may just hold off on that stuff because internet is cheaper...

So far we have seen major parts of Phnom Penh and been to a majpr Buddhist Temple, eaten lunch in a cafe where I had some awesome burrito thing, and I have shopped in on of the major markets in the city, which was crazy busy...Since I didn't bring enough dress shirts I bought two name brand shirts here for half of what it would have cost me back home...But the traffic on the streets is nuts...Abosolutely no order but somehow there still is some messy organization to it...Our bus driver is awesome...

We have this dude named Issac who's affiliated with the local church here and he is showing us around the city and he's hilarious...Doesn't speak English the best, but that's what makes it funnier...I'm staying a room with the other two college guys on the trip and it really isn't too bad...We have air conditioning that works pretty well and a couple of lizards in our room keeping the bugs away...Not kidding...But they are harmless...No worries...

Kinda weird with all the Buddhism around though...A lot of people bringing offerings to all sorts of houses and idols and such...Something like 97% of the country is Buddhist, but I just haven't been exposed to it like this before...Around the temple was cool because there were monkeys just playing around in the trees and stuff

So all of this is random stuff, but there is my first day so far and I think we will get to write again by the weekend or so...Remeber, no news is good news, so don't fret if you don't hear from me...I'm taking my meds and stuff and so far am fine...Forward this email to everyone who's interested and please pray for all of us and especially me, that God changes my heart while I am here and that He rocks my world over these 23 days...

Ok, I'm out...Time to go get dinner...

-Jake :)

Cambodia...

2008-12-28T03:19:00.002-05:00

So, I leave tomorrow (Sunday) for Cambodia for a school cross cultural trip...Actually, I leave on Monday but we are staying the night in Chicago because we take off from O' Hare Airport on Monday morning...There are 14 of us going, counting the two instructors....
I have no clue what is going to happen or what I am really getting myself into...I have never left the country in my life, not even to Canada...Weird considering I have played hockey my whole life...But anyways, This is a huge step for me...I know God is gonna rock my world over there and I know that this will be a solid point in my life that defines who I am...So I ask for prayer, which I hate doing, but I know that we are all here as a body to be there for each other...I ask that you pray that we are safe traveling, that we are safe from the different diseases that are over there, and that we just let ourselves be there and be fully into what we are doing in every moment...There's this quote and I can't remember who it's from, but it says that, "Something sacred is at stake at every moment..." I want that to be truer than ever in Cambodia...

If I can manage it, I will try to blog when I am over there and update you on some stuff, but I'm not sure how the internet situation looks...So, if you don't hear from me withing the next 30 days, I will let you know how it was when I return on January 21-22...

Peace.

-Sinko

A Man of God...

2008-12-25T02:25:00.003-05:00

Where do I start...

There is this man who was a big part of my journey into becoming who I am now...He invested a ton of time in me and sat and listened to me and my stupidity every week for who knows how long...He has a daughter whom I consider to be one of my best girlfriends ever...His name is Randy Shafer and he is the man...The only bad news I bear on this is that he passed away on December 22...3 days ago...It was expected for the most part...he had been struggling with Stage 3 Melanoma cancer and it got really bad in the last few weeks...But it still doesn't take away the pain and sting that comes from losing someone close to you...I have never had anyone die who I was this close to before...I'm kind of numb to it and don't know what to think all the time...And if I feel like this, then his kids (Emma, Ian, and Jenn) and wife (Beth) are feeling it x10...They have gone through so much seeing him in pain and suffer throughout the last year or so...I mean, to think of my dad or mom dying right now is straight up frightening and weird...I have to tell you though, God is God in this...God is so present in this it's insane...Kind of weird to hear that kind of positive talk when someone dies eh? I don't care what you think, first off, Randy was one of the most Godly men I have ever met in my entire life...He radiated Jesus through his pores...There was no way anyone could know him even a little and not be in tune to how much he loved God...He is such an encouragement for me to be like that...What is also awesome is how Jenn has handled it, just because I am closer to her than the other siblings and so I know more about how she is doing...Watching how she has handled it has brought me to a better understanding of what it means to lean on God...She is a monstrous encouragement in my life...Here is a note she wrote...

I wanted you all to know that our sweet daddy, Randy Shafer, passed away last night (Dec 22). He’s dancing and laughing in heaven now....no more struggle. Thank you so much for all your thoughts and prayers throughout all this. As my mom said, “This has had a strange beauty, and we are in awe of what God can do.”

My family and I are so peaceful, but it all seems very surreal at the moment. We’re celebrating his life on Saturday, December 27th at 3 p.m. at Westwinds Community Church. (And it REALLY is going to be a celebration!) There will be a visitation on Friday, December 26th also at Westwinds. Because of the holidays, weather, etc., the service will also be livestreamed on the web at 3 p.m. on the 27th at www.westwinds.org

Here’s a link to his obituary, which gives directions to Westwinds and a little more info. It should be updated soon.
http://obits.mlive.com/Jackson/DeathNotices.asp

So.....YEAH.......

I'm numb.
I’m wrestling with God.
I don't understand.
I have so many questions.
My heart is breaking.
But still, God is showing up every step of the way....Just a few moments ago we looked out our front window to see a huge group of people with candles praying outside our house in the freezing cold and snow! I could go on with stories from these past weeks, but it wouldn’t do them justice. Like I said before, ask me about them, and I would love to tell you with tears of joy in my eyes.

I am left with no doubt in my mind that there is a powerful God who loves people passionately.... who fills you when you’re empty.... who carries you when have no strength to stand.... who is your father when you’re fatherless.....

......And that my dad is sitting in His lap right now as I type.

I love you, daddy. My words and tears will never be enough. Your eyes will forever twinkle in my mind and heart. Your gentle voice and arms will cradle me to sleep. I am so proud to have been your daughter, and I will brag about you until the day I die!!! But most of all, I will live my life for Jesus. Because through you, He has instilled A RAGING FIRE IN ME THAT CANNOT BURN OUT.......

Jenn ;)

this is the link to my dad's blog if you feel like an amazing read:
http://fogparty.blogs.com/

I really can't think of much more to say right now...All I ask is that if you believe in prayer that you do just that for Beth, Jenn, Ian, and Emma....They need strength from God now...And thanks for reading this long one...

::Sinko::

Tonight The Stars Speak...

2008-12-14T23:43:00.002-05:00

Holy mother it's been a bit...So sorry....School got nuts with exams and such at the last few weeks...But I am now done with my first semester this year...I could have done better with my grades, but I dug my own hole on that one...

This weeekend I went with some of my best friends to a lake house in Indiana...We had a good time hanging out, but the coolest things that happened was the couple conversations we had throughout the weekend...We just talked about everything and anything...I'm pretty sure we discussed every major problem in the church and what can be done to help it...We also talked a lot about our generation, like birth years 1985-1989ish I think, and how we have so much potential for real change in the world...Like, this wasn't just another pump up talk or speech either...We realize that the generation before us didn't care a lot of anyone but themselves, and the generation after us is too addicted to technology to get outside of the front of a screen to want to do anything...I know this is me for sure...I know I want to do something insane for God in this world...It's freaking possible...There are so many opportunities and places in this world and I have too much dang desire to do something insane for God...There is sooo much freaking power in just trusting God to work in you without reserve...He is too big for us to contain in our bodies...There is no end to it...I have no clue what I am supposed to specifically be doing with my life really...I know what I am gifted in and equipped for, but I really don't care what exactly I do...I know that whatever I am doing and wherever I am, God is gonna do something nuts with me...I just hope I stay as open to it throughout my life...

P.S....If you have never heard of a band called the Glorious Unseen you need to check them out or I will personally cut off your ears with shears :) This song sends me into a state of worship and serenity I didn't know existed...

Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have means nothing at all
Compared to your glory, Oh lord

How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelope me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please

My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak
I cry in your arms now
God grant me the strength to rest in you
I lift my hands and cry

::The Glorious Unseen::
::"Tonight The Stars Speak"::

Pray Without Ceasing...

2008-11-25T00:53:00.002-05:00

Hey...It's been a spell...And I don't know what to write about...I just feel like I should write something..........
Throughout the last week or two I have been pretty overwhelmed...School and everything that goes with it takes my life up and leaves me no time for anything...Including, it seems, God...Not that I haven't had time for God, but I have just filled my day with all kinds of "good" stuff...It's not that anything is that bad, it's just that I need to keep it centered around God instead of steering my own path through the day...

My biggest revelation has come this week though...I was stressing about prayer and about how I have a HUGE list of people to pray for and I feel like if I don't pray nothing will get done and nothing will go right...And then the light bulb went on in my head and I realized that God is not going to alter his cosmic plan just because I forgot to pray for it...Now the danger with what I just said is that people will never pray because they think it doesn't matter and God will do His thing anyways...I have no real answer for that other than to say that we shouldn't be looking for how much we can get away with, rather we should ask how much can we do to get closer to God...

I used to think that if I couldn't pray for everything that I wouldn't pray for anything...Stupid...I would need an hour or more to get through everything and I can't find that kind of time in the day sometimes...My revelation is that even though I can't spend an hour or two silent with God (it would be nice if I could though) I can be in constant prayer throughout the day...My day doesn't hinge upon a quantity of spiritual time...I should be in constant prayer and awareness of God throughout the day, praying as things come to mind and worshiping as I walk...

There is nothing wrong with a devotional time...They are still important...I just need this too...

If anything I have said is off, theologically or spiritually, etc... let me know...I am still trying to figure this out as I go...

Fleeing From Sexual Immorality...

2008-11-10T01:45:00.003-05:00

Here you go Jerm.... :)

So throughout this school year I have steered clear of something that has brought me down in the past...This thing has been the root of my downfall into a spiral of sin-repent-sin-repent...For some reason I just decided, before I went into training to be a resident assistant at school at the end of the summer, that I just didn't want to deal with pornography anymore, and everything that goes with it. I am a junior in college now, and have a real possibility of a serious relationship sometime in the next few years...I want to honor whoever that women is with every aspect of myself...After all, I want to date a girl so centered around Christ I fall in love with the Jesus inside her...Well, if I want that in her, I need to be the same...I want her to fall in love with the Jesus inside of me...

If you don't know me, I have had a perpetual struggle with porn since I was about 10-12...It is just my main struggle in life...I know it seems super bad or way worse than some things to a lot of people, but all sin is the same in God's eyes...My sin just happens to affect someone else, someone I may not even know yet...It kills me to know I will look whoever my girlfriend is someday in the eyes and tell her how I have sold myself for something short of her in the past...I could possibly have all that crap affecting how I look at her, not because I want to or because it is supposed to be like that, but because I made stupid choices in the past...

Now I know God is bigger than anything, ever...I know he can and is helping me overcome this...Maybe he can even take away how I have this past affecting me now with girls...I know I just need to keep my eyes on God and let the rest fall into place under His plan...

Since I haven't fallen into any physical sexual temptation in so long, I find that I can look at women in a cleaner way now...I can stare at them in the face without thinking twice and let them know I am interested in who they are, not what they are...My thought life is more pure...

In church today, Pastor Mark talked about how Joseph straight up fled from Potiphar's wife...He saw temptation and just fled, before he gave himself a chance to think twice...He has every reason to give in to her, but he didn't because he was conditioned to flee temptation...He didn't make excuses or try to justify all of her advances...All he knew was God as truth and answered her with, "How could I sin against God?"
Genesis 39

The way out is the presence of God...The way out is prayer...The opposite of addiction and sin is fullness...Fullness from God is the only thing that will make it full enough to leave no room for sin...

God has entrusted me with him, which means I have been entrusted with EVERYTHING...

If you know me, keep me accountable to this...I have come to far to fail and don't want to fall back to where I was for the last 10 years...It was hell at times...This one sin, with everything that goes with it, has single-handedly kept me farther from God than any other sin in my life...

Thanks for listening to all my random thoughts...Sorry if I am too open...

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body."
1 Cor 6:18

"But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people."
Ephesians 5:3

"Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry."
Col 3:5

"It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality"
1 Thes 4:3

Lord, Save Us From Your Followers...

2008-10-23T01:33:00.006-05:00

So tonight was awesome...If you have ever heard of it, the film "Lord Save Us From Your Followers" was shown here at my school and we brought the filmmaker in with it for some Q & A...I'm telling you this film affirms me and brings me back into my mode where I think I can do crazy things for God and its ok...The documentary was pretty much challenging the way things had been done in the past or in large by the church in America today, led by the right wing evangelicals...The filmmaker, Dan Merchant went around just asking a lot of people what they thought of Christians and interviewed and featured a lot of cool things people around the country were doing for Christ, as well as showed the crap that gets represented by the church sometimes too...All the stuff people hate about the church and how it turns them off to Christianity...I don't do this thing justice by trying to explain it though...You have to watch it if you can get your hand on a copy...It's one of the best documentaries I have ever seen...

In recent times, I have really become fed up with the way the evangelical church is represented by and large here in the states...I do recognize though, that I came from the church and just ripping on it does nothing for the kingdom of God here on earth...Tony Campolo said something in the movie that struck me, "The church in America is a whore, but she is also my mother." Dead on. As screwed up as the church is, it still is God's people...I wouldn't ever leave it, after all, who is going to change it if everyone who wants the change leaves? But I have found something inside myself I lost...I used to be freaking nuts for God and had no problem thinking of doing crazy off-the-wall things that were destined to fail unless divinely intervened...I want to completely trust God first and let everything else pour out of that...I want to just put God in my sight and leave it there with nothing else on the horizon...I want to love people just because I love them...Out of God's love for me pours love for anyone, ANYONE...No matter where they are at, how poor or rich, what color they are, or how much patience they drive from my body...I want people to see my love and joy in life and attach it to God without question...This is definitely freaking hard, but sooo worth it...

"Hear O Israel, the Lord is out God, the Lord is One. Love the Lord your God will all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these."
Mark 12:29-31

Frick. It's so simple...How do I manage to complicate this? All I sincerely want in life is to love God and love people...It seems so weird to, but I need to ask God to help me love Him...Weird...And out of that I need to ask Him to help me see Him in everyone I see...That is by far going to be the hardest part...How did two commands given 2,000+ years ago by some Jewish carpenter get to be so hard, but yet at the same time bring the most satisfaction from life?

Redemption...

2008-10-17T19:12:00.003-05:00

This isn't anything profound or whatnot, but it is a song that has been speaking to me for awhile now...It is for sure in my top 5 favorite songs of all time...This is a song called "Redemption" by the band August Burns Red...

I trust in you for life to live, and air to breath.
Purity fills my lungs.
I no longer live in solitude.
No longer bound.
My heart beats with great devotion.
This is the start to a new beginning.
On my knees praying for mercy.
Hands raised high, humble and broken. Wanting your grace.
Wanting your security.
Memories of laying facedown, motionless, with such a hollow feeling inside.
Soon I would end this life I was living.
I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands.
I am a fallen victim.
Lord, show me the way. I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way. Take me in your arms. Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.
Be my strength. Be my voice. Be my glory. Set me free.

:::August Burns Red:::
:::"Redemption":::

Prayer Life...

2008-10-07T23:58:00.004-05:00

Yo...Welcome back to my life...The last week/two weeks has been alright...What's funny is, I am sitting here not exactly sure of what to write about...That's weird...Usually I can't shut up...Maybe that's part of the problem...Lately I have heard some things about prayer and how important it is to spiritual life...One of my professors says that you can tell, for the most part, the state of someone's spiritual life by their prayer life...I sat there and mulled over those words when he spoke them, realizing the lie I was living...I sometimes think I am doing well spiritually, but I have almost no prayer associated with it...I fill my life up with "Jesus Things" and put a label on it that says "Good Christian Work"...There are so many things I need to be in prayer for: The guys on my floor, my unsaved family, my best friends and the stuff in their lives, stuff in my own life...I think that God will just take care of stuff automatically, which can be true sometimes, but I also realize God is waiting for me to ask for stuff He has in store...He gives us free will, ergo He will not force us to do most things...

Then it hits me that prayer is a two way activity...I must listen as well as speak...James calls the tongue evil, and that's what I feel like mine has brought in on occasion...I have failed to just sit and bask in the presence of God waiting for Him to speak without my interference...And then I walk through my day not entirely positive if I am following his plan for the day...Now I know it isn't as simple as A-B-C...Like God has this perfect plan for the day and I have to follow it second by second, word for word...But I know I need to sit there the day before so I can walk the next day more open to little prods from God throughout the day...

I know He hasn't stopped doing amazing things with my life, they just seem a little farther away since my prayer life has slacked...I refuse to call that a coincidence...He wants to talk to us, just like a best friend you may have that you haven't seen in months...He wants to just be with us and help us along this journey called life...We can be in tune with him throughout the day while "Praying without ceasing", but we must also take that time where we just sit and meditate on God, The Word, And what our day was like...

This amazes me: After Jesus fed the five thousand, he retreated by himself to pray...Before he went into the desert for 40 days, he fasted and prayed...Get that? He got ready for something with prayer and fasting...What am I to do if I haven't prayed and such and something big comes along? Prayer should be a daily thing for the sake of daily stuff yes, but we also need to be in communication with God so we can better handle the crap that is coming our way...

I don't know if any of this fits or makes sense, but its what has jumped into my head...

Seek God First...

2008-09-25T01:09:00.003-05:00

So, this year so far has definitely been way different than any of the past...I am basically in a full time leadership position, and it's considered a job by title...Of course I don't think of it like that, but I have never been paid to invest in lives before...It's kind of cool...Also something I have been realizing is that I have not been trusting God with my future like I thought...One of the areas revolves around girls...I have never dated as a Christian, and I really saw myself cruising through school single, which I have no problem with...My problem lies in the fact that I kept feeling this pressure by something, maybe campus, maybe the nice atmosphere, I can't quite put my finger on it...I kept feeling like I was supposed to be pursuing girls...Not saying that it is wrong to do so, but I was starting to lose my view of trusting in God for the future...I want so badly to have a God-centered relationship to the fullest that I am scared out of my mind to date...There are a few girls here on campus I would love to get to know better, because in no way do I know them well enough to think about dating them...But then I think about other areas...Am I to marry a girl from home? From high school? Someone I don't even know yet? I hate not knowing the future, yet I love the mystery...What I am realizing is that my problem lies in my lack of seeking God and nothing else...Matthew 6 tells to seek God first and all other things will fall into place...Where did I lose that mindset? So much pressure gets taken off that God did not intend me to have...I won't think the girl problem is such a big deal because God's plan is bigger than everything going on around me...I long to be in the middle of that plan, not just for the girl issue, but for everything else as well...This is weird...I haven't had the girl issue at the forefront like this for a long time...I haven't made a big deal about it before...Never was worried...Basically I want to flat out just seek God and not worry about anything else...I want my longing for God to radiate and attract anyone for anything...If I want to have a wife someday with these traits I admire, I better make dang sure I have them too...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

Why is it so hard to trust that?

Cruising Along...

2008-09-17T23:23:00.003-05:00

So it's been a bit since I let you all know how things are going...I'm freaking loving my RA job here at school currently...I have a huge range of personalities and its totally cool...Every guy so far thinks I'm cool (Shh....Don't let them know the truth :) But it's just cool to have guys that hang and love being around you and each other...They are from all walks of faith too...I have some dudes who just don't give a rip about God...And I have a couple dudes who put my faith to shame...It's solid...From my "outside" perspective, I can see some of how God is working and moving and how his plan is...I can see why certain people maybe were put here on this floor and why certain roommates are paired...Now I obviously don't know everything going on in God's head, but it's just cool to see how God works and then responding to that...I will talk to dudes about their personal life, about their girlfriends back home...About what they want to be...About how they like this college...About the sport they play here...It's amazing to me how open people will get when you just make them feel comfortable where they are at...Maybe that is part of the problem with how we go about Christianity today, especially in America...We think we are going to bring someone into a church they have never been in and have been slightly scared of, and we think we can convert them in 5 minutes...A personal relationship with Jesus takes time to grow...You don't become the thirteenth disciple overnight...I think that is how we have to approach anyone at all...It's gonna take some freaking time to get close enough to someone so that you can share things about God that you really wanted them to know in the first twenty minutes you knew them...They weren't ready then and we just need to practice something that we all suck at: Patience...Waiting for God's will is probably one the crappiest most beautiful things ever... God's timing is perfect...We have to be able to see the spectrum of that and how we fit in the middle of the beginning and end...We need to realize that our timing here is a blip in the grand scheme...Investing a year or two, or more in someone's life with no strings attached is nothing compared to what the end result will be because of that investment...Stop caring for ourselves and possessions and start caring for people...Wherever they are in life...It is kind of what Jesus did...Where have we gone wrong? When did we lose sight of what mattered? I struggle with this everyday...I am guilty as you...Seriously have some prayer for it in your life, for people close to you on this...I want to stop caring for bullcrap that doesn't matter and start caring for eternal stuff...

Thanks for listening...

Here We Go...

2008-09-03T01:15:00.004-05:00

So...My floor here at school is insane...75 % of them are loud, stay up late and love to talk...Move in day was nuts...I don't sleep anymore...And I love it...I have 25 freshmen out of 28 total dudes on the floor...At one time on move in day there were 17 families moving there kids in at once...Packed...I had to get out of there and get some food...My good buddy Austin covered for me...

So far, even after only 2 nights with these guys I love them...I know God put love in my heart for them even before they came here...I know they will look up to me in some facet, no matter how short I am :) I realize I will have to watch how I do some things and make sure I am a good example...What is so cool about that is that it is keeping me accountable for my actions...I know I need to watch what I do therefore I watch...I love it...I am the kind of person who thrives when people look up to me, and I want to lead them down a good path and be there friend, mentor, brother...I am staying clean as of late and not so much feel God around more, but I am more aware of the truth that he is there and that all I have to do is ask, pray and believe for him to lead me down his will's path...I know I will develop relationships with some of these guys that may last a very long time...I want them to be genuine relationships that I would be proud to say God is a part of, in whatever way that may be...So therefore I officially start this year as the RA of Ormston 4 at Spring Arbor University...I know there will be rough times when I don't want to do the hard stuff, but I know they will be outweighed by what God accomplished through me on this floor...Amen.

Plans For Hope And A Future...

2008-08-30T01:46:00.003-05:00

Hey! It'e been a bit of time since the last one...My bad...I have been freaking busy...I moved into school about a week ago for the start of RA training...I am going to be an RA of a mostly freshmen floor here at Spring Arbor University...I'm freaking stoked...I get paid to invest in lives and maybe become a part of their cherished memories...Solid...

Basically all week we have been training non stop and I have learned so much about what it means to care for the needs of people...It has started to hit me that I will have twenty seven different personalities all within one hall in a building...Not to mention, two in the same tiny room...I have my own room, but I will have to understand what the guys are going through...There is going to be a ton of things going on that I can't even begin to fathom...Some good, some bad...Some stuff that I know I won't want to have to confront...I am a people pleaser and hate it when anyone is either mad at me or perceives me as someone I am not...I guess you could say I am a softie sometimes :)

Besides all this rambling giving a brief overview of what I am doing this year, I can't leave God out of it...I am confident he called me into this position for the year...I will have to cut back time with other people and invest even when I don't want to sometimes...I know God is gonna teach me some patience and management this year...I can't just skate by and be somewhat lazy and make it through...I definitely can't do that alone...

Throughout this training I have met some amazing people...Our RA staff is awesome this year...Everyone is committed to a life for God and serving...And they are mature about it...I have learned so much from just watching and listening to other RAs this week...A common theme that keeps hitting me over the head is that so many of them have followed the process of seeking God first, always, and everything else will take of itself...It is so simple yet so hard...For the past year that has been my hardest thing...I have been worried about the future hardcore...Will I date? Who will I date? Will I pass this class? Where will my college money come from? Where and how am I to serve? How will I manage my time? One of the RAs blew me away when I listened to her talk because she always kept saying things along the lines of, "I'm not worried, because if we seek God it will work the way it is supposed to..." That thought process is starting to infiltrate my life and has taken some stress and pressure off to be perfect and worry about tomorrow too much...

I don't really know where I was going with this one...But I had to share how a simple truth has made life living for God clearer for me...Not so much easier, but now I feel like I can just live with God and go with him down this path, knowing that no matter the plan, it will be the best for me, even if right now I want something totally different...

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares thre Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
Jeremiah 29:11

Serving Leftovers to God...

2008-08-14T21:54:00.003-05:00

So in this book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan, my current read, I have come across what Francis calls the hardest for him to write...This is because it is something that we all almost don't want to believe, but something that is painfully true...It is the subject of lukewarmness in the Christian faith...The main point Francis makes is that there really is no such thing as a lukewarm Christian...It can't exist...

"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see."
Revelation 3:15-18

"Spit" out? That's is pretty harsh language...In he original Greek it means gagging, hurling, retching...Holy crap...That is hardcore...There is no middle...Either hot or cold...And if you are lukewarm, God says he would rather have you cold and against him....Wow....Basically, Jesus wants us as a whole package...All or nothing...Whoever thought of calling themselves a "Christian" without being a devoted follower of Christ was out of their mind...Ad this isn't my opinion or Francis Chan's...Read it for yourself...Search the scriptures and see what God says about following him...

"You believe there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that, and shudder."
James 2:19

"We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, 'I know him' but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him."
1 John 2:3-4

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for me will find it."
Matthew 16:24-25

"Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:33

Some people say we can be Christians without being "disciples"...Why did Jesus say this then? "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20

This does not mean we are all screwed because we fail...I will be first in line to say that I struggle every single dang day to give myself to God wholly and let him guide my ways...I beat myself up for it, which is not a godly thing, and I have written about that before...We cannot forget that his grace covers us. Every single one of us has lukewarm areas of our lives, and scripture shows that there is room for failure and sin in our pursuit of God. If you sin, get over it. Humble yourself and come back to God.

"The distinction is perfection (which none will attain on earth) and a posture of obedience and surrender, where a person perpetually moves towards Christ." (Chan 86)

Reflection...

2008-08-05T22:59:00.003-05:00

So...Here I am...One minute away from turning twenty...It's almost midnight and...wait...Now it is...Happy Birthday to me... :) I sound conceited but I swear I'm not :)

What this all brings me to is reflection...Who am I now and how did I get here? I have been a Christian for about four and a half years...I have drastically changed who I once was before that...If you knew me before I changed schools in 8th grade, the first part of high school, and then met me now, I am not the same person...I am convinced I have been given a new life by God...I still have influences and love that I had the life I did before the fact, but am glad I am where I am for the most part...

I still am struggling with what I call a "main sin"...It's just something that has hung around and pops up and grabs me when I least expect it, and I stay in it for awhile and then get out...Then I go back in for a bit, then out...I hate it...It sucks...What is even worse is that I let guilt take over too...A good friend hit me over the head last night with profound knowledge I felt stupid for having forgotten...Guilt is not from God...Even if it seems to be...Guilt is not an attribute of God...So when I fall once, then feel guilty and continue for some odd reason, God is not in any of that...I lost that thought...Somewhere along the line I lost the simplicity of Grace...I feel as if I should know this, being a leader in "church things" and whatnot...And I should know it...I just put unneeded pressure on myself to try to conquer sin on my own and be a big strong leader for everyone...I cannot conquer this on my own, I have tried and failed...Many times...It is hard for me to fathom right now that this struggle can be taken completely from me...After all, we are human and we are going to fail...That doesn't excuse it, but we have to realize we will come up short...It's our nature...We are not perfect...But we can strive to be...We can strive to be like Jesus, as corny and cheesy as that sounds...I believe though, that we cannot reach for those kinds of goals alone...Satan will be right alongside us too, trying to turn us bassackwards on ourselves and make us forget who we are and where we have come from...We are all on this journey towards somewhere...I like to think that I am on this road and there is no end...I have a goal yes, but the road doesn't end...That's the beauty of it...Somehow, we get to be in God forever...On earth, it is in the form we see with our eyes...Human flesh...I love who I am here...But I also know that after this we will be a little different, but still God's creation and child...Maybe none of these thoughts make sense together, but right now find comfort in knowing that I can be who I am here, and overcome these struggles that hinder me from becoming that person...And I'm not alone...So I reach my hand for help, not knowing what the heck is gonna happen or how...All I know is that I want to be who I am...

God is Big...Period...

2008-07-28T23:12:00.003-05:00

So...I have been reading this book called "CRAZY LOVE" by Francis Chan...It's flippin amazing...You must read it sometime...I am not very far in really...Only a few chapters, but that is because I have to keep stopping and write stuff down because it is all so awesome and I don't want to forget...Recently the focus has been on how big God is...Now this sounds stupid and obvious...But stop and think about how many times a day you stand still and actually try to comprehend what is going on...There are so many things in this world that are so intricate and complex..."The caterpillar has 228 separate and distinct muscles in its head, the average elm tree has about 6 million leaves on it, and your heart generates enough pressure throughout your body that it can squirt blood up to 30 ft. (Don't try it :) God didn't have to put hundreds of different kinds of bananas, but he did...He didn't have ti put 3,000 different species of trees within one square mile in the Amazon jungle, but he did...How about the way plants defy gravity by drawing water upwards? Did you know spiders produce 3 kinds of silk? When they build webs, they create sixty feet of web an hour, simultaneously producing special oil on their feet that keeps them from sticking to their web...What about the simple fact that plants take in carbon dioxide (harmful to us) and produce oxygen (we need to survive)? You knew that, but have you ever marveled at it?

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world."
PSALM 19:1-4

This is our reason for worshipping him...The earth is the work of his own hands...He is the King of Kings, Alpha and Omega...I know you have heard this...Just don't miss it...So, how do we respond to this? Do we look at a sunset night after night, forgetting the next morning what beauty we saw just hours before? Do we look at the stars in the sky and ignore the millions of balls of insane light that have been created light years away? Or do we see the world everyday and get blown away with how everything seems to work, no matter how good or how bad it looks? Do we realize that God doesn't really need us to do anything, but He wants us...He wants to use us as his medium on this earth...He can and does speak to people on his own yes, but he also chooses to let us be a part of that process...HOLY CRAP!!?? I feel freaking honored when I am used by God to do something to further his kingdom here...We are so small, yet so beautiful...Don't lose this...Don't forget that God is bigger than the universe itself and he created every corner...Breathe it in...

Quiet and Rest...

2008-07-21T00:06:00.004-05:00

Tonight in my bible study, I arrived a good amount of time late, like over an hour, but I got there in the middle of a time when everyone was on a 30 min walk...We were supposed to just be reading Psalm 23 and reflecting on it...What it meant to us, part or whole...The first verse of course stuck out to me and was familiar: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." Then I read verse 2 and 3, which weren't so familiar...They spoke of rest and quiet with God...That hit me hard...One of my biggest struggles is staying quiet before God and just trying to listen a little...I read that God restores my soul and guides me in a path of righteousness FOR HIS NAME"S SAKE...Not only do I get my soul renewed by God, it is done so that His name is glorified...I am in the position in my life where I get stoked whenever God gets credit for anything done by me, which is just God using me for his plan...That excites the crap right outta me... :)
God takes care of us...We have to remember that...He doesn't pressure or force us to let him do that...He just wants to...He also doesn't force us to follow Him, whether that be a total surrendering or just a little hang-up in our lives where we get off the path a little.....He just waits for us, patiently...Waiting for us to say, "Ok God, my way sucks and I want to be in on your plan..." Just chill and let God take over...You will have to discern, yes, but you will also not be failed by Him...If any of these random thoughts I just spilled out made any sense, hallelujah...

PSALM 23
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me besides quiet waters, he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my sup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Woman of God...

2008-07-13T23:59:00.003-05:00

In our lives we people we admire...We have people who we aspire to become...Sometimes it is out of jealousy we want to be them...Sometimes it is because we can see God shining through them so clear it blows us away on occasion...There is this woman whom I met about a year ago in person...Her name is Carol Wilson...She is the grandmother of my best friend Jeremy...I can't even think of where to start on her life, even as little as I have known it...When I first met her about a year ago she was well into her cancer treatment and was trucking along as if nothing hindered her...When she was first diagnosed with cancer she was given months to live, I believe...She outlasted that prediction by about two years...Through it all, from the outside I heard about her personality and how she just lived life...I was impressed about her joy and happiness in her suffering of course, but I was blown away by her persistence in glorifying God with EVERYTHING...Whether she was just spending time with her family, neighbors, friends, or serving in her church back home in NC...She always pointed her situation, if that is a proper term for it, towards God...She found God's plan in it all...She realized that her journey was God's plan and she was right in the middle of it...With this she wasn't afraid to share...Her blog was and is read by people all over the world...Seriously...From reading her comments on her posts, there were people from all over being impacted by her words and her perseverance in her cancer...

Carol Wilson, affectionately known as "Mimi" by some, has shown me what it means to live a full Godly life...She showed me how to commit to the ones you love...How to live a solid marriage built around Christ...How to live a life in Christ...

If you read this, you need to go to her blog and read back on some of her stuff...There is a lot, so you may want to make it a daily read for awhile or something... :)

http://carolwilsonupdate.blogspot.com

"Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy praise
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
I'll praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above"

Redemption...

2008-06-16T22:25:00.002-05:00

So, I know I these aren't my actual words but this song's lyrics are shaping to be my life and the way I view my relationship with the Big Guy...It's a song called "Redemption" by August Burns Red...If you can handle some screaming it's a great listen...:) Basically I am sick of things not of God controlling my life...I don't want Plan B, as Rick would say...I want God's Plan A and I keep being thrown down to the ground by the devil...He knows just what buttons to push without me even knowing it...I won't even pretend to fully God's grace and I know he gives it freely...I have heard that a thousand times...I know God overpowers the devil...All these things I know and I still fail...How does God keep going to bat for us? Why does he keeping fighting for us? There is a love I will never understand...I could get married and love another human as a spouse...I can love my family...I can love a friend...I struggle with all these for sure, but I never will completely get how someone who gets backstabbed so much by people who know they are doing it can keep standing in front of bullets for them...I believe God loves me more than my brain can physically and mentally comprehend...I don't always feel it, I'm not gonna lie...Sometimes I wonder where God has gone...I suppose it's in those times God has wondered where I have gone as well...

I trust in you for life to live, and air to breath.
Purity fills my lungs.
I no longer live in solitude.
No longer bound.
My heart beats with great devotion.
This is the start to a new beginning.
On my knees praying for mercy.
Hands raised high, humble and broken.
Wanting your grace.
Wanting your security.
Memories of laying face down, motionless, with such a hollow feeling inside.
Soon I would end this life I was living.
I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands.
I am a fallen victim.
Lord, show me the way.
I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way.
Take me in your arms.
Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.
Be my strength.
Be my voice.
Be my glory.
Set me free.

:::August Burns Red- "Redemption":::

Questions...

2008-06-01T00:29:00.004-05:00

Who have I become? Am I who I want to be? Am I where I want to be? More importantly, am I who God made me to be? Did I miss the fork in the road and go left when I should have gone right? Did I pick the right path? So many things are already set in motion that I hope I am down the right road...I have failed so many times and I feel like I don't deserve what I don't even understand to have been given...I think I want something, and then when I get it I feel like I picked the wrong wants...I feel like I was blinded by wanting the easy way out...Whether these are convictions or just truths coming to surface I do not know...They could even be false feelings that have no meaning...I even feel like somewhat of a pansy complaining and talking about this...I am between a rock and a hard place...I cannot see the parts of my future I want to see, yet I am strangely ok with that...I want awesome things to happen, but I also know it is not the the time for them...Then again, God works in a timeline that I won't even pretend to understand...

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11

End Of A Chapter...

2008-05-16T01:52:00.004-05:00

Wow...So long since my last time writing...Sorry for that...School has been insane...I was involved in a few big things here near the end of the year and it took some toll...For example, it's 3am and I am still awake and probably won't go to bed due to finals and studying...That brings me to a point...Tomorrow is my last day of school here at Spring Arbor...My first full on-campus year (I went to community college last year)...It makes me wonder...Have I grown like I should have during this year? I mean, I was around a ton of good, solid people, profs and students, who befriended and stretched me...I know I have grown, I just hope I have grown in the direction God wants me to be...I know for a fact that there were times I turned my back on that path...I regret most of them...Something Ron Kopicko (Chaplain) and Rick Morgan (Youth Pastor) have drilled into me this year is the concept of Plan A, or wanting the main plan God has...It's not so much me wanting to great things FOR God, which I sincerely want to still happen every day, it's more like me just wanting God's will to be done, and if he chooses to use me, then how awesome that is...How awesome it is to be used by God to make his perfect plan happen...This past year I let myself get distracted sometimes with crap that didn't matter and I missed it...I missed God calling to me...

Overall, this year, I had a good time...I met some amazing people whom I hope to continue relationships with next year and get to know them deeper...I will miss hanging with a completely new group of friends everyday...And I will miss staying up until ungodly hours of the morning doing nothing worth that lost sleep...Praise God I have at least two more years here...

I know this blog had little depth to it and such...I just felt like sharing some feelings with y'all anyways...Hope you have an awesome week :)

P.S. Check out this band by the name of EVER STAYS RED...They have played a big part in my music life...Some of their lyrics that have been running in my head all day...

How our eyes burn bright
Back in the day when
Our dreams were all that kept us alive
Now we can't stop now
We're gonna make it
We're standing on the brink of it all

:::"On The Brink Of It All":::Ever Stays Red

Community...

2008-04-23T00:33:00.003-05:00

So...Here I am chilling and being whatever...Not being who I should and who God made me...Hiding in my shell of fallen humanity...Then it hit me...STOP IT...Now, I havent been terrible, just a tweak off of who I know I should be...
Tonight I went up to a friends room to give him some info about an event on campus we are in and God rocked my world...Me and Steven (my buddy) ended up talking about past and present struggles we both had and have and it was freaking awesome...We just shared what was going on with each other and some friends and family and we were super real...I haven't had that in awhile with someone...It was refreshing...I just felt like I was really listening to God...He totally spoke through me to Steven...At the end we just hugged and prayed super intense for each other and the stuff we talked about....Through it, God showed me and is showing me how important it is to be in community with one another supporting each other...Too many times I have tried faith by myself and I always felt I was trying to climb out of a hole I had inadvertently dug myself into...I didnt get support from other like minded people as well as I should have...And if you don't think we need community to have a solid faith I would then have to ask you to read the Bible...Check out Acts...That church was insane...Community at its finest...People living in each others lives and they were constantly expanding...The fact that they grew shows they were doing something attractive to people...I have realized that while it is still good to have solitude and alone time with God, we need to take what stems from that into others...Who I am, that is, who God made me to be, requires me to share who I am with others...I long to give a part of me to people in hopes they do the same in return...I just want to love people and be there for them...No matter what...I understand not everyone is open, but I will love and pray for someone just the same...God gave me that gift...AMEN.

"It's remarkable that solitude always calls us to community."
-Henri Nouwen

Need Prayer...

2008-04-09T10:05:00.004-05:00

Prayer...Need it...Got some issues going on in which I am going to have to step up and be the solid man of faith for some people to lean on...I know God can do everything on his own...I just have this feeling he is going to use me here soon...Just wondering if any of you all who believe for real in prayer will do just that for me...And for sure also pray for the situation itself...There is some pretty hairy stuff going on...And please, if you have anything in your own life, I would love to pray for you too...That's how this whole community of believers thing works...:)

-Sinko

Untitled Revelation....

2008-04-05T01:30:00.003-05:00

So...Along the way in my walk with God there have been quite a few people who have helped and directed and shown me where God is working and evident...Inside that big group of people there were just a handful who really impacted my life in a total way and were people I looked up to...They were people whom I thought lived lives worthy of Christ's name....When I first started my relationship with God they supported me and showed me how to live that very life...As time went on however, they seemed to start to loose this foothold they had...They made small compromises that led to bigger mistakes...They did things that they first taught me did not coincide with a life sold out for Christ...I was confused...I did not understand how a person could lose what they once knew to be true...Did truth change? Did God change? Or were they all of a sudden choosing to not do what Christ would have them do? No way, I thought to myself...They are too solid, it's just a stint...They will come around soon...Well, I am still waiting for them to come around...The tables have almost flipped and I seem to be the one that needs to help someone in their journey with God...I am just so afraid to...They have been so close for so long and my "heroes" for so long I don't feel like I have the authority to...A lie...James 5:19-20...."My brothers, if one of you should wander from truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins." Well, there it is...I need to suck it up and realize that someone not liking me confronting them is less important that their relationship with God...What a wise man James is...:)

So...here is a song by buddy Mike and I wrote about this...Come see us perform it Sunday April 6th...

You turned your back and walked away
Leaving your faith and those who cared
You left me to fight alone
You left me to fight alone

This path you tried is broken and wide
This life you live will only promise death
Come out of the darkness
There is still true love
There is still true truth

I'll be standing here
He'll be standing here
We'll be here forever

Washed By The Water...

2008-03-27T23:16:00.002-05:00

So, I know a few of you commented about it already on my last post, but this past Sunday I was baptized...It was Easter...And it was awesome...Everyone that had invested in me since the beginning in high school was there...I was dunked by my high school youth pastor who is now my boss and friend...I felt like it was the right thing to do at the right time...I'm just interested to see how it affects my immediate family, who is not Christian...But for those of you who read this and were there to support me, thanks soo much, and if you weren't there, thanks for being a part of my journey as well...Thanks for the encouragement

The words don't fit exactly with my situation, but it's a great song...Check it out:

Daddy was a Preacher
She was his wife
Just tryin' to make the world a little better
You know, shine a light

People started talking

Just to hear their own voice
Those people tried to accuse my father
Saying he'd made the wrong choice

Though it might be painful
You know time will always tell
Those people have long since gone
My father never failed

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Even if the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even if the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won’t never ever let you down
I won’t fall, I won’t fall, I won’t fall as long as you’re around me

:::Needtobreathe- "Washed By The Water"::::

As The Sun Sets Tonight...

2008-03-19T00:12:00.004-05:00

So...I am getting baptized this sunday, which is is Easter...Mixed feelings on it...I am excited and stoked of course...But curious as to how some of my family is going to take it...I was baptized as a Catholic when I was something like 4 months old and now I am going to be baptized again in a not-Catholic church...:) (I became a Christian when I was 15 and still am the only one) I feel like it is the next step for me for sure...Anywhere in the Bible, especially in Acts, anytime someone starts believing in Jesus, their next step is to be baptized...I just think that this is another step in my journey with Jesus and I am ready to take it...I wish a few more of my friends were around for Easter to be a part of it, (some are stuck at school) but its cool, because I am getting baptized in the church where people are who supported me and helped me along the way...And in the church where I became a Christian...So needless to say, I am stoked to be dunked in a cold tank of water teeming with Jesus :) And if you want to join the party, come to Spring Arbor Free Methodist Church in Spring Arbor, Michigan on Easter to the 11:15 service and join in....:)

Oh, and if you want to, a little prayer for the event itself and how I will use this to share stuff with my family would be awesome :) Thanks sooooo much!

Lyrics to a song that has been loud in my head for awhile now...

Exchanging Beauty For The Ashes
Given My Heart To Nothing Real
I've Given My Heart Away
To So Many Things
So Many Times I've Failed
Help Me Stop This Endless Cycle
Remind Me Of How It Can Be

Take Me Back I Surrender All
Without You My Heart Is Broken
I Never Should Have Let You Go
I Never Should Have Let You Slip

Through My Arms

As The Sun Sets Tonight
I'll Hold You With All That I Am
I Never Should Have Let You Go
Promise Me Youll Stay With Me Forever
Forever

Forgive Me
For Running So Quickly To The Outside

::::Haste The Day- "American Love"::::

I Don't Feel Right...

2008-02-17T03:29:00.007-05:00

I don't feel right in my own skin sometimes...I feel like I am not being myself...This is weird for me too, because I usually am pretty open about who I am, and loud :)...For some reason I feel held back lately...I feel like I can't just be my normal crazy self who everyone says hi to and hugs...Maybe it is because my struggle to put God in the forefront has been hard lately...Maybe it is because I am letting myself fall on my own in places I know I need help...Maybe it is because I have no clue what I am doing at this thing called life...Maybe I'm scared of what tomorrow will bring...Maybe I need to stop whining about these things and just ask God daily what plans he has for me...Let God just breathe through me...Who am I to dictate what God's will is for my life? Who I am to think God's will won't get done just because I say no...He'll use someone else then...But deep down in my heart I know I want to be smack-dab in the middle of His plan, because I have been there before and enjoyed life so much at that time...Even if I was going through struggle the same then as now...I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was all God's plan for me to go through what I was going through...I also knew that God was throwing some awesome things into my life...Now these same things may be happening, in fact they probably are, but I can't see them anymore...I can't see His plan as I once could...It sucks...All I want to do is change the world for God...I want to use the passions He has instilled in me and go absolutely nuts...I was like that once...It was sweet...I'm not saying I am terrible now...I'm just saying that I really miss that fire I once had...I know faith is not always about feeling and emotions...I have already learned that the hard way...I just am saying that I miss some of that...

Nonetheless, I know the Big Man Upstairs is there...I have branched my faith out beyond the emotional high stage and have come to the point where I am just going to keep searching for the direction He wants me to go...I will keep holding onto what I love to do because I know those things are there for a reason...I also will make more of an effort to put myself in situations to hear Him and receive this guidance and Love I desire so much...Please Lord save me from myself...

There’s a darkness in my skin
My cover’s wearing thin, I believe
I’d love to start again, go back to innocent
And never leave

Don’t give up now
A break in the clouds
We could be found
There’s nothing wrong with me
It’s just that I believe things could get better
And there’s nothing wrong with love
I think it’s just enough to believe

Rescue is coming

////David Crowder* Band- Rescue Is Coming

A Losing Battle In A Winning War...

2008-01-27T15:00:00.000-05:00

A little song I wrote that my band is playing in a week...

A Losing Battle In A Winning War

It creeps up without warning
Enticing me to stay
I want to run, I want to hide
But I cannot fight
For I have chosen myself
I have chosen false strength
I fall into the pit of despair by my own hand
There was a door of hope, a door of life
But I refused
Help is what I need

All I have is emptiness

I no longer want my way
I want to fight together
I know we will win
Please Lord save me from myself

Total Trust? A Lost Art...

2008-01-12T01:27:00.000-05:00

So...It's been a long flippin time since I have written...Christmas has come and gone...The new year is here...Second semester is starting...which brings me to the reason I am writing...I almost didn't have a second semester...About a weekish ago I got a letter in the mail saying that I needed to come up with a lot of money or I would not be permitted to attend interim term or second semester at Spring Arbor...So...I started looking for loans and such online...Everywhere...I was striking out on almost everything...Getting denied loans and such because I have no credit personally...Never have taken out a loan or had a credit card or whatever...Even with a co-signer...So I got an email today that said the business office needed to see me about my account...I was ecstatic of course...Knowing what it was about anyways...My ridiculous balance...So the gal in charge of whatever it is was super nice and I had known her from delivering mail before over their and such...So the first thing she says is that it looked like I was going to get an extra four thousand in loans because some parent plus loan was denied...So I went, "Ok God, here we go."...So then she says I need an extra lot of money on top of that...I told her I had tried a ton of places already and been denied mostly because I had no personal credit and now would most likely need to get a loan with no co-signer...She told me to check out this one site that gives loans to people most of the time in my situation...And I was blown away to the fact that I had just submitted an application 30 minutes before to that company...She said to come in early monday before my class and let her know what the outcome of the application was, and so I received an email from the company saying I got a loan in almost the exact amount I owed to the school...

So here's the point...You knew I was getting to one eventually...All the stressing I have been doing and all the crap that I have been feeling like I was in: Was it valid? Shouldn't I have done what everyone said to do and trust God for it to all work out if He wanted me to stay here at Spring Arbor? I had an arsenal praying for me on this thing and I feel like I let them down by not believing what I asked them to do would actually work....I had soooo much trouble connecting my brain and heart this week...I wanted to believe God would work it out and I even KNEW that it would happen...In my head...But I struggled every minute to believe it in my heart that God would do it...Even more...I didn't even think that whatever happened would be ok because it would be God's will anyways...If I was to leave here and go back to community college or whatever, I should know that it would be ok because it is in His will...My wants and my view of the way things should have been got in the way of a Godly mindset...I fail again....Praise the Lord for redemption and forgiveness...

Screaming for Jesus...

2007-12-04T18:08:00.000-05:00

So...I'm in a band with some buds...We call ourselves Untitled Revelation...It's fun so far...We just started together a month or so ago...At school (Spring Arbor University) we have this chapel service every semester called Talents for Christ and anyone can sign up to play and show the school their talent God has given them or whatever...So I signed our band up for it and we were told that we could do it a few days later and such...Our band hasn't played a "real" show yet, except for at an open mic night where we only played one song, the same song we played here at chapel...Needless to say, I was a little freaked out, before we went on...Not because of the large crowd we played for...Because of all the types of people we were playing for...There just happen to be a large group of seniors from high school and parents visiting, and I knew that this would show what the school is about a little...And there are people at school who really don't like this type of music, which is normal...If you are wondering why this seems like a big deal, just listen to us in this video...Needless to say, I had a blast and went nuts...Even when I lost my strap at the beginning...And I also realized that worship to God can be in many forms (guitar swinging, screaming, headbanging, etc...)...As long as the heart is in the right place...And when people cheered at the end I realized that more people enjoyed it than I thought would...I'll be darn... :)

The video is too big to put on here...So check it out at either

www.myspace.com/untitledrevelation

or

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DshRpZGdC_U

Abusing God...

2007-11-23T00:27:00.000-05:00

I have a confession...I have abused God...I have sinned over and over again...I have fallen into SIN-REPENT-SIN-REPENT and it's killing me inside...You see guys, Satan want you to do a few things...Numero uno is that he wants you to feel like you are not worthy of being forgiven by God and that He will not want to forgive you...To a degree, we are not worthy, because we are fallen humans, but God wants us soo bad, and wants us to be cleansed by His blood...But we must ask in sincerity...We must totally want Him to flush us out of sin...Another lie is that you are alone in struggle...That no one else does that bad thing you are afraid to talk about...Bullcrap...I guarantee you that there are least a few going through almost EXACTLY if not a similar situation and are just as lost as you as to who to talk to about it...You see, they are afraid to tell God too...That or they already have and they need some earthly accountability too...Just seek out...Put yourself out there and ask...What's the worst that could happen? You get mocked for wanting to follow Jesus? I believe these kinds of people are praised in the Bible...

Now...I have experienced all of this...I have fallen and knowingly done it...I have thought about something that was wrong before I did it and gone ahead with my heathen plan...I have finished my plan and then sat there in utter bewilderment as to what pain I have just caused God as He is crucified again by my sin...I sit there wondering who I am and why I did what I did...I feel like burying my head in the sand and never coming out...I feel like doing anything but trying to talk to the One who can forgive me of what I have just done...I run...I try to hide...But then I turn to Psalm 139 and I read this:

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

....Wow...So then I sit there and say to myself, I say "Self, God just slapped you across the face with a realization that you CANNOT hide...you CANNOT run...And it is for your own good...God knows you inside, outside, upside down, backwards, sideways, and all He sees is the creation He started way back before you even existed...Do you get that? He knew you, ALL OF YOU, before you even existed on this mass of matter we call earth...So those sins you wanted to take and run away with, trying to hide them in the depths of you heart-They are not hideable...You are not able to run from God...Sure you can block Him out if you choose; He gives us that choice...But as soon as you ask, He is there, like a kid in a candy shop, wanting to be a part of whatever you are going through and struggle with...It doesn't matter what the world says about how bad your sins were or are...God doesn't care...He will wash them away and make you so clean you won't even know what to do with yourself...A TOTAL TRANSFORMATION..." He wants to pour out His love on you that will overwhelm every sense you every imagined you had...Not any love you have experienced before through a human...You see, no human could ever love you as much as God...No...He has this love, which in it's original Greek has it's own word "AGAPE"...Get that? There is a completely separate word in the original language because the other words for love weren't good enough and couldn't describe it properly...It's so great and so large, you could spend your whole life seeking it, chasing it, and you will be filled to the brim with it and there will still be much more never explored by our feeble minds that cannot comprehend the magnitude of God here on earth...

So then I am back to my self-contemplation and self-wallowing in what I have done and wonder if I can ever be the same and be back in God's "good graces" after what I have done...And as I struggle with wanting to think that what I have done is not of Him, I just let go and know that if I question it or don't know if I want to stop it, then I need to ask for help...God loves this too...He loves when we come to him in weakness and admit we CANNOT do it on our own...That is the way it is intended to be...We try it on our own, we may get by for awhile...Maybe our whole life...But what is the price of pride compared to eternity with the creator of anything you look at? Think about it...FOREVER...If you didn't know, that means it never ends...EVER...:) In the words of Ron Kopicko, "HOW EXCITING!"

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
Romans 7:15-25

God Needs You? Ha...

2007-10-26T01:02:00.001-05:00

Quit running...Quit thinking it can all be done on your own...He's right there...Right in front of your face...You are just too blinded by your own pride, ambition, and attitude towards life that you fail to realize what it means to truly live for a God so big that even the stars bow to Him in adoration of His creation...What makes you think He needs you anyways? God is up there, creating the universe, and you think He NEEDS you? Haha...No, He doesn't need you. He just WANTS you...He wants you to be part of His plan for this earth...For this lifetime...He wants to use you to do His holy, perfect work...And that my friends, is the most amazing thing ever...

"If a man cleanses himself fromt he latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work."
2 Timothy 2:21

For He Knows Our Plan...And He Knows Us...

2007-10-04T00:03:00.000-05:00

So here I was at Consuming Fire again...This time God hit me with something else...He didn't knock me off my feet...He showed me how much He really cares...Let me tell you...

I was just chilling watching people getting prayed for and then two dudes on the prayer team came up to me named Jono and Austin...They asked if I was just chilling or if I wanted prayer or something, and I just told them I was kinda just hanging out, wondering about this whole spritual gifts thing...You know, I was just curious if I had anything like that or if God had this special thing for me or something...I was kinda curious about their ability to pray for healing on people and such...So they said they would pray for me just to see if God has anything in store or whatever...My friends, be careful when you have people pray that specifically for you...Stuff might happen that changes you... :) Jono started praying and was going on about God revealing a gift for me and asking for a blessing on me as I follow God's call into youth ministry and such...Then Austin took over the prayer and said similar things, that I just am open to God's direction and heart...While he was doing this though, I listened to Jono a little as he prayed in the background a little...One line was in english and I could hear what he said...The next line, straight up in tounges...Now, this i the first time I had heard tounges for real so I was a little freaked, but it was cool too (sidenote)...Also while Austin was praying, this other kid named John was just kinda following these two (Jono and Austin) around so he was praying over me as well...He was new to this whole thing but wanted to serve ad pray all the same...While Austin was praying I heard John whisper to Jono that he thought God spoke to him and told him something...So after the prayer form the guys, John wanted to tell me something...He told me that God gave him a few words...the main one was "warrior"...He said that I was to be a warrior for God and such, but the way he desribed it seemed to fit my personality perfectly...It was nuts...If you don't know me, I am a passionate, intense person who likes to go nuts...Then friken, Jono came back after a walk around the room and told me God was giving him the word "teacher"...Like I was going to be a teacher of some sort, teaching about God...That was crazy too, because I am already in that process, helping with a youth group and going into youth ministry...And I love to give advice...If that wasn't enough, Austin told me God gave him a picture of a lion cub with his father, who is a huge, king lion...He said that I was the cub, young and small, and that the Dad wanted to nuture me and raise me to be the father in his life...He wanted to make me courageous and a warrior for Him...I told Austin that was crazy because became Christian only a few years ago and that my mentality was that of which he was describing...

They both basically told me that God uses us in our weakness most, because I had shared some struggles with them and such...And that God wanted to take me under His care and nuture me into a great man for Him and to serve Him on this earth doing great things...By the way, none of these guys had ever really talked to me before, so they had no idea what I was like...All the personality stuff they shared had to have been from God...No kidding around...

Needless to say it was a night when I realized how much God loved me NO MATTER WHAT...He wants to take me on the ride of my life...The only ride I will ever be on...His ride...He has a plan and it is the right one, no matter how long it lasts or where it takes me...If I latch on, I may fail because I am human, but only if I let myself get in the way...

So...what is God's plan in your life? Do you know? Have you even asked? Have you been in a realtionship with Him so intense and solid that everyday you wake up thanking God and asking Him what he has in store? Turn your heart on Jesus and earnestly seek Him, and He will lead your direction...In His time, not ours...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

The Power of Christ Compels You...

2007-09-21T02:06:00.000-05:00

My friends...I have just experienced something so incredible and insane that I really don't think words will do it justice...It's 3:30 am and I just can't sleep....here's why...By the way, this may be a long story...

So...At school (Spring Arbor) there are these student run and led worship programs...Wednesday night is called Deeper, Thursday night has The Call and/or Consuming Fire...They're just at different locations around campus and such...Well, tonight I went to Consuming Fire, which is one that is more focused on spiritual gifts...We first started with some worship which was cool...There was a lot of crazy worship going on...i.e. dancing, yelling, praying...all at once...It was cool...Then the professor who was in charge of the thing stood up front and said some stuff about getting the chaff out of your life and letting God cleanse you through an through...He then called his ministry team he had of about eight students to the front and told everyone else that if they wanted to be anointed and prayed for, to come up front and have one of the ministry students pray over them...A good number went to the front and the praying began and worship music still played...Through this I kept wondering if I should go up and get some prayer...I also was waiting for an open person to pray with...When one finally did open I stalled for a minute and then said screw it....I went up to a dude named Frank who lives on the floor above me...I told him that I needed prayer because I keep bouncing around in the "Sin-Repent-Sin-Repent-Sin-Repent" mode, and also that I knew faith was not based on feeling, but I really just wanted to feel God for real, because it had been almost like 3 years since I had ligitimately felt God...So, Frank anointed me and started to pray that I be cleansed and handed over to God and that He could help me stop my pattern of sin-repent-repeat...He prayed that I would feel God in my life like never before...

Then something goofy happend...My neck started to lower and I bowed my head without actually making an effort to...I started to shake just a bit and lose a little strength in my limbs...I had no clue what to think...I had never had this happen before...So Frank kept praying and I slowly started to lean back, so I caught myself with my back foot...Then I did it again...Next two more guys ame over and prayed over me with Frank...One prayed that I would just let go and not fight it anymore...So, when I leaned back again, as much as I maybe could have stopped myself if I really, really, really wanted to, and if I would have tried insanely hard, I really didn't want to and just fell and they caught me and lowered me to the ground...Like, my whole body went limp, but it wasn't heavy at all...Just like I was falling on a cloud...Then they continued to pray over me as I lay on the ground with my mind racing as to what was going on...Pretty much the Holy Spirit moved...I just prayed to God that He take me and cleanse me where I was...I didn't want the crap in there clogging up the clean stuff...After a few minutes I stood up, hugged Frank, and realized I was a little off-balance...I had some trouble standing, and walking back to my seat I was a little wobbly...I just laid on the floor at my seat in awe of what happened and prayed to God like crazy that He just take all of me and change me in an insane way...Shoot, my legs are still a wee bit like jello as I sit here typing....

I just sat there for awhile contemplating, praying, and going insane over what happened...I started to shake some and shiver and chatter my teeth like I was cold...Only thing was...I wasn't cold...The room temp was fine...For some reason I could not physically settle down...I chilled there for a little bit more, got prayed over again by one dude, and prayed with another...I haven't prayed that much in a long, long, time...So I left and went for a walk with God...Stood out in a field, looked at the stars, and raised my arms up as if God would beam me up...Kinda goofy, but hey, I really wanted, and still want God to just take all of me, even if I can't feel Him all the time...

I know in a few days this feeling may wear off...and I have to be equipped and ready to stay on track with God by obedience...That means devotions everyday...Praying randomly everywhere...Almost changing my mindset to one of complete sight on God and what He has planned for me that day...Changing my attitude into positive all the time so as to rub off on people...Act like a freaking Christian is supposed to act and stop messing around with my eternal life...

Lopsided Relationships...

2007-09-12T23:40:00.000-05:00

So...Here I am at college finally...Not just commuting...A week or so in and really liking it so far...Pretty much convinced that even though I would do great at a few other places...I am best fit here in Spring Arbor...The first week was easy...Almost no classes and lots of time to hang with people and such...Then classes started and I realized how hard it was to get homework done in a dorm...Distractions everywhere...I really am having to learn how to find some quiet space to get crap done...Classes are awesome though...Loving how we pray before every class almost and study the Bible...Are you kidding? Everywhere I have gone to school before you can't really use the Bible as a base source of truth and knowledge...Also, really loving this whole chapel thing we do twice a week...I mean, classes are scheduled around worshipping God in song with 1200 people...How freaking awesome is that? So many people not caring about who's watching them and just worshipping God because they want to...Monday at chapel Tony Campola spoke and the place was rocked...He challenged the junk out of us to start caring for the poor and widowed and to use the education we are going to get to change the world...It really made me sure I was not wasting my time and money being at Spring Arbor needlessly...I am here to use what knowledge I am gaining to change the world for God...That is worth any sum of money in my eyes...

Now...what has happened in the last few hours is really awesome...I went to this thing called Deeper in the student center tonight...It's a student lead worship time and in depth Bible study with out chaplain Ron Kopicko...I have been struggling for a bit on finding God and being the way I used to be in my faith...On fire going nuts for God and everyone knowing it...I have noticed and been told I am not as joyful as I used to be...I guess I saw it, but unconsciously ignored it...Tonight Ron spoke of wanting to be in a relationship for what we can get out of it...I mean, you wouldn't want to be dating someone who is only dating for them to get something from you right? A little one-sided...You wouldn't marry someone half-heartedly or want them doing the same to you...Why then, do we do that with God? Why do just use Him for stuff when we need it? Why do we want God around to make our lives "easier" instead of just simply wanting to be with Him? Why can't we look in the Bible and see where it says to go out and make disciples? Why can't we start thinking less about ourselves and more about how God wants to use us to change this world for Him...He wants us to be self-less people who are looking for ways to serve others and show true love the way the Acts church did...Not people in a building listening to some dude in front talk and walk out the doors as if life was the same...No way you shouldn't be changed when you listen to God's word...If you are stagnant after something like that...Then you either didn't listen or need a reality check on who God is in your life...

And that, my friends, is where I have been...I have been in the faith for what I can get out of it...How many people notice me doing good things...How good I look...How I look when I worship...How I think someone thinks of me...I, I, I, I...see the pattern? (thanks Aunt Connie :) We have made our relationship with God so much about ourselves and what we can get out of it that we have missed every opportunity God placed on our doorstep to serve and spread his love...

So I took a little walk after Deeper tonight and God and I talked...I talked a little more (something I have to work on also) and I just apologized for being so self-centered and asked Him to let me in on His plan and change my heart to that of a servant and show me how to show others what it means to follow the creator of this freaking universe...I used to be like that once...And people noticed...Not in a selfish way am I proud they noticed, but more along the lines of me being glad to point to God and say this is why I am...This is why I wake up everyday and love myself and love who I am...

God can do some insane things...Whether they are seen by other humans or not should be insignificant...It shouldn't matter who sees what as long as your heart is set on God and you know what you do you do for God...And that my friends, is the only thing that will last forever...

Behind Me Lies Another Fallen Soldier...

2007-08-31T01:47:00.000-05:00

Pretty much how I'm feeling...

I want to bring You all that is in my heart
I want to bring You my everything
But I've failed You so many times
How can I stand here before You
When I begin to steal what only belongs to You
I am able to bring You nothing that isn't already Yours
I am so ashamed of what I ever called my own
Take what I have, take these broken remains
What can I give You that You don't already deserve
You laid down Your life when I refused to give mine

Song By: As I Lay Dying

Gahh...Life...

2007-08-23T21:59:00.000-05:00

So here how it goes...I love hockey...I also love to serve God...In order to play high level hockey, I have to go to a community college...In order to serve God in the way I know how and the way I think he wants me to, I need to go to Spring Arbor University...I will learn a ton about youth ministry and I will grow a ton spiritually and socially, as I will be living in a dorm...I know you are thinking, "Duh Jake, just go to the place that sounds like it will be great." Problem: Spring Arbor cost nine times more than the community college...And money is a huge obstacle right now...I could stay at community college and still hang at SAU...but I will miss out on so much I know...I really miss hockey and I know that even that could be a ministry of some kind...Just maybe I have in mind my needs and wants first, like being able to play division 3 college hockey in front of full stands and have people recognize you...I still can glorify God like crazy through it, just, I wrestle with what I really should already know...

All I really want to do is change the freaking world one kid at a time...I know God has this massive plan in store for me and I know I will go nuts with it...There is now way it will be a boring ride (not that life is about fun)...I just want to know that what I am doing is 100% right sometimes, and I really need to just hang onto God and know that as long as I follow and serve Him I really can't go wrong...

Holy crap life is confusing...

Love God, love others, nothing else matters.

A Letter From God...

2007-08-05T21:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Son,

Before the beginning of time I knew you. I knew what color your eyes would be, and I could hear the sound of your laughter. Like a proud father who carries a picture of his son, I carried the image of you in my eyes, for you were created in my image. Before the beginning of time, I chose you. I spoke your name into the heavens and I smiled as its melody resounded off the walls of my heart.

You are mine. My love for you extends farther than the stars in the sky, and deeper then any ocean. You are my child of great price, the one for whom I gave everything. I cradle you in the palm of my hand. I love you even in the face of your failure. Nothing you say or do can cause me to stop loving you. I will never give up on you. Run from me-I will love you. Reject me-I will love you. Reject yourself-I will love you. You see, my love was slain before the foundations of the world, and I have never regretted the sacrifice I made for you when I died.

When I see every part of who you are, I marvel at the work of my hands, for i have whispered words of longing and desire, and you came into existence. You are awesome, and I take pleasure in you-heart, mind, and body. You are my desire. When you turn your head in shame and despise what I have made, still I reach for you, even if you don't know it. You are my most wanted and I am yours.

Love,
Your Heavenly Father

P.S. Let's talk sometime. I am always here to listen. Anytime. Anywhere.

IYC 2007...Servanthood...

2007-07-24T22:01:00.000-05:00

Wow...what a trip...My friends...I have biked from Jackson, MI to Knoxville, TN...close to 600 miles...And there is no way I could have done it alone...I'm telling you...I have never been challenged like this...Physically, mentally, spiritually...All of it was tested...

When we started off...Everyone just wanted to do the miles to say they did it...By the end...we didn't want to stop riding together...Rick (youth pastor) threw at us the idea that we should be servants on this trip...Getting outside of ourselves and thinking of how we could make the trip better for someone else...Let me tell you...Not an easy task...So many times I wanted to go at my own pace and just get it done...So many times I wanted to stay in my own head and block out the rest of the world as I climbed another monster hill...Somewhere though, I realized that what we were doing couldn't be done alone and we all needed other, as well as God...duh... :) I'm pretty sure that the smoothness of the trip and the good weather were all God...Too many things went right and fit together too well to not lead me to believe God went crazy on watching over us...But yeah, slowly I learned how selfish I am and how much I think about what I want or need in order to get through a day...I mean, crap, how much more could someone benefit from me staying behind to cheer them on up a hill than me getting up it 3 minutes faster? (something I struggled with all trip) Shoot...I still have to wait at the top anyway... Could it be that putting someone ahead of your needs and wants is admirable and pleasing in God's eyes? It's like a punch between the eyes...
The bike trip overall was amazing though...Meeting new people and learning how wonderful it feels to have a bike seat shoved up your bum for 11 days...:) I swear my legs are twice as big as when I left...

When we got to IYC itself it was a little different meeting up with the bus group...You could tell the difference, not in a bad way...Just the way it was...We gelled eventually though...
So it began with a little fire and brimstone from Ron Kopicko...Love it...People were getting saved like it was going outta style...Really learned a ton...The worship band rocked every sock I own off...And Lost and Found is the weirdest friken band I have ever seen in my entire life...And I loved them...I know I am just rambling and most likely you don't care...But I don't care that you may not care...So ha... :)

I'm, thinking next blog I will elaborate on servant hood...Yeah, I think I will...

Really there is so much to tell you that I don't feel like writing it...So let's get coffee (hot chocolate in my case, caffeine gives me headaches) and talk about life, my trip and what I learned and how my life needs to change...And why we are at it...Let's talk about your life and what you are thinking about...